Mining Nuggets

Gearing up

I wish you a hopeful Christmas ... I wish you a brave New Year ... all anguish pain and sadness ... leave your heart and let your road be clear ...

U2 this morning en route to work ... gift from Starbucks with my late morning cup of coffee.

Taking stock and resolving? (Update)

Quote of the day:

You do not have to be good 
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting 
You only have to let the soft animal of your body 
love what it loves ... (Wild Geese by Mary Oliver)

I cannot help it. This time of the year rubs off on me. Good will and self reflection energy rises up and envelopes me. I find myself joining in the taking stock and making resolutions for the future thing that happens all around. It starts with the giving thanks syndrome during the month of November. 

Returning to therapy surely helps to move along the process of looking back and thinking forward. Mind you, I am not so much in the mood to be looking back lately. Although I understand that old stuff gets in the way of present situations, I thought I had cleared all that out, unloaded the heavy load, left it all behind. Come to find out, not so fast, little Lady. Old wounds twitch and prickle when the cold and rains arrive. Ah, how well I remember those. They are playing a familiar tune. Wavering between 60 and 10 years old, moving in and out of it, feeling surprised when I look in the mirror to discover the reality of right here and now. A relief really - to be in the now.

At this stage all I can do is resolve to understand me more and more. Not reload the heaviness of my past on my shoulders or behind my tired eyes. Just use it to reflect on, like a well known picture with old familiar senses, sigh with an aha, and move on with being the 60-year old me I am fast becoming.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: To sleep, perchance to dream.

Update:

A couple of responses to this post ... to share here ... reminding me how fortunate I am to have such constant, wonderfully supportive friends ...

From one ...

My darling friend, you are ALSO able to fly like an eagle or a swallow with your big heart and clever brain, so swoop around! I am going to send you some stuff for the thinking forward bit. I love you both before and after!

And ... from another ...

Lovely thoughts dear friend on returning to therapy. I wanted to validate that you can call anytime and rant in my ear or laugh or cry and I'll be a listener. Time difference is not a concern for me. Anytime!  

Now, I need to know where you got the shirt you are wearing in the latest picture on your blog (in my humble opinion, the best photo yet)? You are, by the way, looking younger and younger with your new haircut, continued weight management and loss, and shedding more heaviness from the past. But the shirt is to die for and I want one!!!! I'm probably out of luck because you got it in some exotic place in your travels. 

Lists

Giving thanks for:

• My early morning walk, where for the first two miles I get my "ya-ya's" out and then during the second half I see more clearly, notice birds, sky, and trees, feeling the air on my face, and discovering forgiveness, gratitude and joy in my heart.

• Barack and Michelle Obama.
• Loving my siblings and mama: for their working so hard to understand and accept me these past seven years or so, and for their hanging in there with me through some painful times.
• Our glorious Thanksgiving meal that Tom creates, slowly, surely, with grace and love of really good food.
• Music from Gilad's talented soul through piano, or bass guitar, ringing through our home once more, where it has been so silent these past long months without him.
• The saved hibiscus that keeps right on blooming day after day since it was saved.
• And ... finally ... my good friend, Ilene, who sent me the following list of things to talk about at Thanksgiving for dysfunctional family functions ...

Sample starters:

• What song brings up the happiest memories for you?
• If you were a car, what kind would you be?
• If you were given a thousand dollars with the rule that you couldn’t spend it on yourself, what would you do with it?
• What was the best day of your life so far?
• If you could change places with a celebrity, who would it be and why?
• If you could go to a fancy restaurant and price were no object, where would you go and what would you order?
• What is the best way to cheer you up when you’re down?
• What is the one thing you’ve done in your life that you are proudest of?
• What was your favorite childhood game or toy? (For kids – What is it now?)
• If you formed a band, what would you name it? What kind of music would you play?
• If you had the choice of a day: Would you rather choose a day 10 years ago or a day 10 years from now?
• If you could have 1 superpower, what would it be?
• If you could live somewhere else for a year, where would you go?
• If you knew you were going to spend a year in a science station in Antarctica, what 3 things would you most want to take with you to do when you weren’t working?
• What do you think is the secret to staying young at heart?
• When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? Do you remember why? (For kids: What do you think you’d like to be and why?)
• What bargain would you love to find on eBay or at a garage sale?
• What do you really, really hope someone will invent soon?
• If someone gave you a gift certificate for a tattoo, what would you get and where would you put it?
• Which would you rather be: A famous athlete, a great singer, or an important politician?

Happy days ahead to one and all. I give thanks for all my readers, whoever you are, out there!

Quotes of the day: [thanks to a colleague at work for these]  

Thanksgiving Day is a jewel, to set in the hearts of honest men; but be careful that you do not take the day, and leave out the gratitude. ~E.P. Powell

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? ~Erma Bombeck, "No One Diets on Thanksgiving," 26 November 1981 

Remembering friends:

We can do this

A must see ... please watch until the end ... [thanks, John]

More faces of sixty

Quote of the day:

... the beginning of a new life.  Olivier's cuts are not just hair cuts, they are hair catharsis - a combination of style and psyche renovation ... (email from a friend)

 

 

 

 

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Becoming strong to say goodbye

Friends and counting

Waking up thankful. Thankful to be awake. 

Thinking about friends, or as Cheryl and I have started calling us all: "virtual commune members." 

All dispersed, dispersing to different ends of the country, and the world, finding our spaces and places for the next stages of our life journeys. 

Always supporting, ever loving, sharing the deepest secrets of our souls. All striving, ever searching to find out who and why we are, have become, seeking joy in the moments together or apart. Sharing our families, loving each other's, hoping for one another, cherishing each other, milestones and beliefs, sorrows and happiness, all become ours, parts of our lives together or apart.

Being there. Virtually, in reality, through waves of energy - some say - some feel - some know - some believe. Accepting and believing our stories, being on each other's side.

I wonder, how could I ever have become who I am without my friends?

Gratitude counting (Update)

Quote of the day:

Then, when it seems we will never smile again, life comes back [quote on a greeting card given to me by my dear friend, Susan at the end of August]

I have decided to start my count down to Thanksgiving earlier this year. I have much to be thankful for, and as the days become shorter and colder, I find myself withdrawing inward to the warmth and depth of a grateful soul. What a year this has been. No doubt about it, I have had the time of my life on so many levels, I hardly know where to begin. As evening falls I begin the contemplation. The first blog post for giving of thanks. 

Last year I began by sharing my Christmas cactus plants, which bloom in all their glory always a few weeks prior to Thanksgiving. However, on the eve of beginning this countdown, I am thankful for a new addition to my plant fold. While driving up to the farmers' market today I noticed a large Hibiscus lying by the side of the road waiting forlornly for the garbage truck to arrive any minute to throw it away. Leaves were drooping as the plant lay abandoned in the crisp, cold air. I could have sworn that I heard the small tree crying out to me to save it from its imminent demise, and so I swiftly turned the car around, stopped by the side of the road, and carried the ailing plant into my car. Before heading out to complete the weekend shopping of fresh fruits and vegetables, organic unsweetened soy milk, almonds, and other such goodies, I wandered into the plant store for a large pot and new, fresh potting soil. "I've just saved a gorgeous hibiscus from destruction!" I exclaimed to the store owner as she helped me choose the pot and gather the bags of soil to drag to my car. "Ooh," She replied sadly, "Who would throw out such a plant like that!"

I talked to the old plant as we traveled around the town shopping for this and that. "We'll soon be home," I said soothingly, "and then I will give you a nice warm home and lots of water to drink." I could sense the plant lying in quiet desperation across the back seat of the car. As soon as we arrived home, I unpacked the groceries and ran excitedly into my study to make space for the tree. Ada ran around with me sniffing at the new pot and rubbing against it to make it her own. After placing a few small stones at the bottom for drainage, I gently laid the roots into the welcoming soil, and poured in two full cans of water. 

A few hours later, I looked up from the computer and over at the Hibiscus. In a matter of a few hours, its leaves had become strong and shiny, reaching up and out, and one of the buds had raised its head out of its drooping position.

 

Tonight, as the countdown begins, I am thankful for my new Hibiscus.

Update:

This morning, I stumble back into my office, eyes barely opened, carrying my cup of wake-me-up coffee, and when I turn on the light I see that the Hibiscus has thanked me right back:

High anxiety (Update)

On Thursday I realized that I was feeling anxious, manic, yes indeed, I would even call it high. I wondered about that for all I was doing at that moment was preparing to head out for work! I climbed into my car and drove off, humming a tune, noticing the glorious autumn leaves all around. No mistaking it - I was as high as a kite, because, at the same time, I discovered that my eyes were burning as if I had a fever, and there was an underlying anxiety at the core of my being. In fact, it seemed stored right underneath my rib-cage. "What could be wrong?" I wondered out loud to myself in the car. I turned off the radio and focused on the road ahead, allowing myself to hold still, and experience the discomfort of highness and anxiety.

And then it came to me. One of those small, delightful revelations, epiphany-types of moments that make the whole day seem clear and shining. I had started to take care of myself again: Eating right, working out, doing yoga breathing exercises, taking vitamins, having lavender de-stress type baths - but, mainly, and more specifically returning to therapy. 

As I concentrated on the feeling of anxiety throughout Thursday, I was yearning for my blog - I needed to write it down, explore the root causes and understand what was happening to me. For consciousness and awareness do not come often, and when they arrive, I like to be ready and open so as not to lose the moment - to explore the gift that I am suddenly giving myself. The day was way too busy though - meetings, advising students scheduling for spring semester classes, teaching, answering emails and phone calls - the usual self-exploration interceptions and distractions. However, this time, the moment did not get lost, or subside back into my sub-conscious. I have been thinking about it ever since - even managed to chat with a friend at lunch yesterday, sharing my thoughts and wonderings.

The enormity of the discovery for me is this: Inherent in the feel-good mania of taking care of myself is a sense of danger - Like, how dare I? Almost as if I am entering forbidden territory - a place I do not deserve to go. This is not new. I have felt it before. Each time I diet and lose weight, and feel and look good. When I completed my doctorate. After having my baby. When I got married. After a great lunch with a friend I love, who loves me back. When I sing in public. After a great presentation. The list is endless. It has to do with being successful. But, at the moment, the feeling of high anxiety is directly connected to the intentionality of taking care of myself. 

I must admit I have been doing a lot of that this past year. Owning my mistakes and apologizing to loved ones. Making time for pleasure. Allowing myself time to work out or meditate. Taking friends and family with me to celebrate my 60th birthday in Paris. Intentionally choosing to not allow work-stress to harm my peace of mind. Recovering the love for my family members, and allowing them to love me back.

However, there must be some things I still want to take care of, because I have chosen to return myself to therapy. These must be deep and seemingly dangerous issues. Ones that need my full attention, that might be reached only after clearing away all that other stuff I worked on before. 

Of course I have an inkling - a niggling suspicion - about what the issues are. After all, no one forced or required me to return to therapy. I chose to do that myself - for myself! Intentionally.

And, as scary as it may be - I am tantalized and excited too. So, I think I will just hold still and allow myself to feel the joy that bubbles alongside the high anxiety, and see where this new adventure leads me. 

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: America, we cannot turn back

Update:

Yesterday, I received this message from a friend, who gave me permission to print here:

I just read your blog about anxiety - and I thought I would pass on these thoughts ...

You know that masochism has its own defense system ... and one of the ways it puts up a battle, is to cause an internal ruckus that can often feel like anxiety when you actually take measures that counter the masochistic mechanism. Hence all the anxieties about steps of strength and empowerment that are good for you. I have it too - as I am a recovering masochist, who still has masochistic tendencies (every time I put some extra something in my mouth, I reinforce the negative charge I get from looking in the mirror and not liking what I see, etc.) There is pleasure in pain.... All this is courtesy of [a] great therapist, Henriette T. Glatzer ...

The other book I mentioned was The Dead Mother: The work of Andre Green. It has these wonderful chapters like The dead mother syndrome and the reconstruction of trauma and Dead mother, dead child. You know that every time you take these steps of empowerment, you are also betraying the narcissistic bond with your mother. You are going beyond her border. There is a ton in that ... I am sure you have probably touched in this in your own work... but I mention it again, because I know THAT as well ...

Anyhow, I feel your pain. I could also put an astrological spin on it, but I will refrain.

The great work begins

Ah, now I remember. All the different feelings associated with therapy: 

• Anxiety as I pull up in my car, thinking about what I want to talk about
• Amazement at discovering hidden pieces of my Self as the session unfolds
• Bewildered and confused about how, in the end, what we talked about had very little to do with what I originally thought I would talk about
• Stunned and emotionally moved, thinking, processing, mind swirling and whirling with ideas, and beginnings of new understandings, as I drive slowly back into my day
• Energized but exhausted

The great work begins ... again ...