Stream of consciousness ...

Sitting at my computer trying to write. A block, wall, mountain of silence facing me. I sit really, really still and listen to my mind. Nothing. Waiting. It feels warm as I wait for me to open up. I know something is bubbling up inside. But I'm blocking it, all right. It is not a lonely feeling. There is certainly some excitement. As if something is going to happen. Perhaps it is patience. Just being with the feeling. Uncomfortable. I should be doing something meaningful or constructive - contributing to society, blogosphere, community, home - me: working out, vacuuming, preparing courses, writing my book, feeding the birds, playing with the cats, writing e-mail responses, reading the latest Geneen Roth I ordered from Amazon. Why can't I write as well as this or that person? Why do I become afraid and lonely when chastised for a comment I have made, an opinion expressed? Why this and why that? I hear the woodpecker knocking, blue jays calling and the soft, sing-song babble of goldfinches as they fly exuberantly to and from the feeder, in and out of the bird bath as if with a golden flash of yellow, bright yellow light. Then, "Chick-a-dee-dee-dee," amongst the cacophony of bird songs, and cardinals warbling one to the other as if begging the sun to come out. Ada claws at my chair with great affection. I sigh deeply. Time stands still.

Oh well, I probably  won't become a mega-blogger today. Nor will I contribute to world peace. I guess I'll just plod along, keep on keeping on until tomorrow.

And then we'll see.

Comments

[Always Question]

... but wasn't that a beautiful moment... mindful of the birds outside and Ada and their joy in simple existence?

[Tamar]

Always Question,
Thanks so much for your comment. In fact, it brought tears to my eyes! Well-timed and very supportive.

[fp]

I've read this post three times now, and I'm glad you haven't buried it with the next fine thing.

[Tamar]

Oh dear, Frank.

I just buried it - before I read your comment and saw your link - both - for which I thank you very much.

[Em]

What a beautiful recording of that experience. Maybe (and maybe not) it felt like writing nothing to you, but to me it felt like a small moment full of life.

[Natalie]

Oh that all sounds so familiar, Tamar! I can echo nearly every word (apart from presence of cat and birds. There are plenty, but they're in the neighbourhood, outside my windows).

So glad you're feeling good about going "back to school" .

[Winston]

Damn! I knew in the few days I've been absent that I would miss something important. This was it! But at least I found it on my return. Thanks once again, Tamar, just for being you...and showing us who you are.

[Adriana Bliss]

Isn't it amazing how sometimes "writer's block" can lead to poetry? Beautiful peek into your beautiful mind, Tamar.

[Melinama]

Me, too. Thanks for writing this.

[Cara Fletcher]

I can say that writing that article with a stream of consciousness you've had a great job.The way you've described the atmosphere around you made me feel it around me too. :)