Sue and I talked on the phone this morning. She told me, "Take Bach Flowers Rescue Remedy. I have two bottles of it! Just put two drops on the tip of your tongue and you'll be as calm as anything."
I laughed and laughed. I don't take stuff unless I absolutely have to - like for Lyme Disease or something.
I was telling her how the Chair is going to observe and evaluate me today when I teach my class. In all the past 17 years as a university instructor, although students evaluated me through writing out comments on forms, I was never once observed for my teaching. I have made over 200 presentations and taught college for many years, and yet the thought of this observation and evaluation today makes my tummy ache, neck stiffen and headache cloud my eyes. Where I am now, teaching is regarded as high priority. In fact, I am observed three times per semester by three different colleagues and peers. Come to think of it, I would prefer if they just dropped by, popped in to see me unannounced. The waiting and preparing for it is the worst for me. I go in and out of confidence from moment to moment. Am sure that I will be discovered, uncovered, exposed, found out just as when I go to the dentist I fear him finding that hole, decay, badness in my tooth that I've been trying to hide for years. Each time the dentist gives me a clean bill of health I feel relief wash over my body - safe from exposure once again.
What might be discovered when they observe my teaching? That I don't know enough; I'm a fraud; boring; stupid; ugly; fat; outrageous; worthless ...
Oh, for goodness sake!
Isn't it strange that just writing about Rescue Remedy seems to be helping already? Imagine if they do find out all that stuff about me. So what. I remember a session with Bob the therapist a few years ago. "What are you afraid of?" he asked one time. "Of falling into the abyss," I replied. "Hm ... It might be good to just allow yourself to fall into it then," he wondered quietly. I take a deep breath and feel a softening of the neck muscles.
This too shall pass ...
... Until the next time ...
There is even a Self-Quiz about it.