Cycling over and over again

Quote of the day:

"Every year, a lobster molts," the man continued. "It takes 72 hours for a new shell to form and harden, and during those three days, the lobster is the most vulnerable it can be. But, Mrs. LeShan, a lobster can't grow without making itself vulnerable." Time Goes By

It seems that when I clean my house it is in order that it will become dirty again. When I make my bed it is so that it will become unmade again. If I wash the dishes it is so that they may become unclean again.

It's the same with blogging.

As soon as I write a blog-post, I have to write another again. I am cycling over and over, round and round, up and over, in and out, forever on a round-a-bout of living things over and over again. Take my marriages, for example. Each time I entered a new one I found myself waiting for, expecting my failure, disaster, and subsequent abandonment. Sometimes I had to do the leaving before they did to ensure that it was so. Each time I rolled into yet another relationship I took the Tamarika-package of neuroses and insecurities with me and spent the years ducking, waiting for axes to fall all around me. 

T and I are nearing our seventh anniversary of marriage. It will also mark 12 years being together. Heaven knows, he has his T-package of neuroses and insecurities too. And we battle it out, holding on and supporting each other through those ever so dark moments together. But, look, see, something is happening. The cycling is turning down a different path. It seems like I am not a failure, we are not heading towards disaster, nor does there feel like any abandonment in the future. Just constant support and working things through. Facing the pain, sharing the insecurities and holding on. I think we are learning that we are worth it. As T would say, "What a concept!"

So, yes, some things just have to be cycled through over and over again: doing the laundry so that clothes become unclean again or clean the litter box for the cats to soil it a few moments later. Even this blog post will soon be over with the Tamarika blog staring at me longingly for a new post before long.

Ah, but marriages?

Well, feeling solid, methinks we are cycling down a different path ... two insecure, neurotic friends holding hands as we walk, sometimes stumble through the shadows ... out into the light from time to time for a breather.

Comments

[Heidi]

Tamar,

My gosh, my gosh. Being a somewhat recent reader of your blog, I never read the post detailing your emotional abandonment by your mother. I can't even begin to imagine the challenges she had in her chart...

Heidi

[Heidi]

[oops, sent message too soon]

...the challenges in her chart which in turn impacted, shaped and molded your sweet young psyche. Take much, much pride in the service you have been to young children, Tamar.

I'm so happy you have T as a companion in your life's journey...

[Sky]

I plan to read some of the archives when I have time, but just wanted to say how much I enjoyed this post. Happy soon-to- be anniversary and congratulations on getting it right this time! Nothing like support and nurturance to keep us company in this life.

[Tamar]

Sky, thanks for stopping by. Always good to meet a new blogger on our blogging travels.

Heidi, I find your perspective about challenges in a person's chart so interesting. I lowered my head and blushed at the very kind words you say to me. Thank you so much.

[Paul]

My father deserted my mother a few months before I was born. I have never seen a photograph of him or met him in my life. He was the family secret and never spoken of in my presence. That part of me I know absolutely nothing about.

[Joy]

It definitely sounds like you and T have an understanding of one another....I believe the timing in one's life can help to bring us to this understanding. You have experienced a lot of soul searching and discovery Tamar...it can only be a good thing.

[goldenlucyd]

I'm very touched by what you write, though it's a little too close for emotional comfort for me in many ways! Thanks for putting in words so many of my feelings about my past. I don't think I could have done it myself. At least not nearly as well as you! A good week.
ATB
Lucyd

[Tamar]

Paul,
Thank you for sharing that piece about you. So many of us have experienced different kinds of abandonment and pain.

Yes, Joy, the soul, mind searching has certainly liberated me in so many ways and given me strength for difficult hours, that's for sure!

Lucyd,
Thanks so much for stopping by and your kind words. Indeed the writing of my experiences and reading it back has been most helpful to me in overcoming the shadows. I'm glad if it was helpful to you too.

[Paul]

Yin and yang seem to be at work here. :)