Tamarika

Blog a Doodle Dandy (update)

And so here I am early in the morning, up with the robins and little Ada Mae. She sprawls on the table close to my fingers as they tap, tap, tap on the keyboard. She wrestles with a piece of string that lies next to her and every now and again licks her paws. My little buddy early in the morning. She has been up most of the night staring out of the window at the great Fairmount Park. Who knows which animals she sees strolling by under the shadow of the moonlit trees. Her knowing eyes widen to look at me every now and again. Blog - Ada - Ada - blog - tap, tap, tapping ...

Yeah.

A friend and I talked about me and my blog just the other day. We were sipping different beverages. She a cold, chocolate drink and me chai tea. Both munching on some kind of Kellogg's Styrofoam, strawberry-tasting snack bites. "L., I have to give up my blog. I just have to," I said. "No, you must not," she replied, "It is good for you. It helps you. You feel strong and confident after you write in it." Munch, munch, crunch, crunch. Finally she says she cannot eat anymore of those Styrofoam-tasting snack bites. "Can I leave them and not finish them?" She asks politely. Of course! I understand completely. She continues about how at some weblog sites people get into fiery debates about stuff but at mine somehow comments are always kind and supportive. "You need that," she explains.

I think about our discussion this early morning. How kind my blogging community is to to me and ... is it strength and confidence I feel after writing? Sometimes writing a post helps me understand confused feelings. At others I simply love sharing a thought or two out there in space somewhere. Of course, comments are always a special treat. Acknowledgment and validation. But more than that, comments give me the feeling that I am connected to some kind of community. I recognize that the blogging community has served to fill a void that I felt so excruciatingly as I arrived in Philadelphia over a year ago, after leaving my home of 18 years.

Blogging has also helped me process the many years of therapy with Bob. I have gotten to know myself as I share my journal ramblings with cyberspace. Putting it down in black and white for others to read along with me, bear witness and validate, has helped me sort out, confront and face down some of my deepest vulnerabilities. So no doubt about it. Blogging feels like a life-saver.

On the other hand my most productive writing hours are early in the morning and I seem to spend them blogging or reading others when I could (should?) be writing books, articles, other things ... I sense that time is drawing near for me to let go of this kind, virtual community and plunge myself into reality. I am indeed stronger and more confident. So much has become clear about who I am and why I do, think, feel the way I do. Naturally I realize that if I stop blogging I will disappear like a puff of smoke. No one is indispensable and although among my tiny readership some will undoubtedly miss me a tad, the cyber world will happily roll along without me.

And so, my dear, tiny readership, here is my blog-a-doodle-dandy plan. One more week until I depart for a ten day vacation to Greece. While there I will take a break from blogging. When I return, a decision will be made. So, let's have fun together this week. Mother's Day is coming up and other stuff is bound to appear.

The count down begins ...

Update:

Just in. An e-mail from L.

Hey, Tamar, I read your blog today. Have you read people's comments yet? They are still supportive. What a nice crew! I will miss you and them.

Leaving behind, behind, behind ...

I received an e-mail from a colleague today:

Hello Colleagues:
This is, indeed, very disturbing. I think we should try to get the word out about this right away through all our channels. We also need to find a way to track any other such censorship that gets brought to other educators or children’s authors. Any ideas?

I think it’s time for a major mutiny around this No Child Left Behind business. Note the close links with major publishing houses.

Who will take a stand against this type of things? How can we join our voices in protest, not only over this, but the larger issues of the direction our profession is headed?

from Patricia Polacco

To All Educators, Librarians, and Media Specialists

Regarding the cancellation of my appearance at the IRA in Chicago for May 2 and 3, 2006

A few months ago I was approached by The Buchanan Associates in Dublin, OH to appear at the International Reading Association Conference in Chicago on May 2 and 3, 2006. I was to be part of 5 events. Speeches, 'meet and greet' and book signings.

I was happy to accept the invitation which, I assumed, was coming from the I.R.A. and my publisher. It is always such an honor for me to speak and interact with teachers and librarians from around the country.

But, then, a very disturbing turn of events transpired. My staff started receiving phone calls and emails from this firm in Ohio requesting that I furnish them with a detailed written outline of what I intended to include in my speeches. I assumed, of course, that this was asked so that a synopsis of my content could be included in a printed brochure furnished to the conferees.

You can imagine my astonishment when I finally called this firm and learned that this was not the reason. They requested my written outline because their 'client' wanted to make sure that I would not discuss my deep concern about NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND MANDATE...as well as my concern that there is a link between this mandate and the SRA/McGraw Hill Company who manufactures, prints, and profits from the sale of these tests to school systems all over our country.

It was then that I closely reviewed all of the emails (I had not up until this time because I had been doing school visits and was not home until now) I then realized that the "client" that this firm referred to, but never names, was indeed, SRA/McGraw Hill! I also learned from the Officials of the IRA that SRA/McGraw Hill was indeed sponsoring the event that I had been invited to. I was shocked!

This "firm" insisted that my speech be "upbeat, non-controversial, and non-political"...I countered with the fact that the plight of the American teacher is far from "upbeat" and they are caught in the vice grip of the most controversial and political LIE that has ever been perpetrated on the American teacher.

I was also quite mystified as to why SRA/McGraw Hill would even select ME and invite me to be a part of their program knowing how strongly I feel about this entire situation.

My speeches certainly do inspire teachers...I truly believe they are among the last heroes we have in our country... but I always mention the destructive path that is laying wasted to our schools and that is the No Child Left Behind Mandate! I did mention to them that I considered this broaching "censorship" and a violation of my freedom of speech.

Finally, after receiving numerous emails from this 'firm' that got more and more 'insistent'...I finally sent them a written refusal to alter my speeches in any way. Certainly I can moderate their length, but I refused to alter the content. I made them aware if they truly had a problem with this, then they could "un-invite" me to be part of their event.

Needless to say, SRA/McGraw Hill cancelled my programs within the hour!

My main concern here, is that I very much fear the conferees will be led to believe that it is I who cancelled this event. The cancellation was the choice of SRA/McGraw Hill and was generated by a blatant attempt to CENSOR my remarks and the content of what I say to teachers. Which is a clear infringement of my constitutional right to freedom of speech. I pride myself on being an advocate for America's teachers as well as being one of the most reliable speakers at conferences in our country.

My lawyers and I have sent a formal request to SRA/McGraw Hill through their representative, The Buchanan Associates in Dublin, Ohio, to post the following signs outside of each venue at the conference where I am schedules to speak:

DUE TO PHILOSOPHICAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN SRA/McGRAW HILL AND PATRICIA POLACCO, SRA/McGRAW HILL HAS CHOSEN TO CANCEL ALL OF PATRICIA POLACCO'S APPEARANCES AT THIS EVENT

Call anyone you know that was either going to attend my events, or that did and was disappointed and tell them why this happened.

I am very disturbed by this on may levels. It seems that we Americans are losing, by leaps and bounds, our constitution "guaranteed" rights. I am insulted and very offended not only on my own behalf, but also because of these various organizations that seek to profit from the misery for our teachers and school children. Profits and money seem to matter much more that truly making changes to our educational systems that would truly help our children. I have to admit that I have a certain amount of pride in taking this stand on your behalf.

Yours faithfully,
— Patricia Polacco
website

2006-05-05

http://www.patriciapolacco.com/

Oh, and ... About the West Wing

I don't want it to end either!

I wish our country was run by them too.

Here in the Hills says it best though.

Making lists

Thinking about what to take to Greece:

• Swimsuits
• Sunscreen
• Sun hats
• Sunglasses
• Beach towels
• Sandals
• Recommended reading: Gilead, Kafka on the Shore, The Nimrod Flipout (already purchased), and Steps to an Ecology of Mind (on order - should arrive this week)
• Bag to carry stuff to the sea and market purchases back to the hotel
• Camera
• Light airy comfortable clothes
• Light shawl for evening breeze
• Bare toes to sink in the sand
• Journal
• Sneakers for sightseeing
• Money for Greek food, market/tourist/gift purchases and postcards
• Birthday candles

Thinking about what to leave behind:

• Computer
• Cell phone
• Grading
• Guilt
• The past
• The future
• Dubbya

Blushing

Happy Blogging-a-versary to Winston!

Am blushing from his ever so kind words about yours truly:

Everybody’s favorite, Tamar, for being her. And for being big enough to disagree without being disagreeable.

Thank you, Winston.

Feeling groovy

Quote of the day:

Slow down, you move too fast, you've got to make the morning last
Just kickin' down the cobble-stones, lookin' for fun and feelin' groovy

Feeling groovy

Hello lamp-post, what's cha knowing, I've come to watch your flowers growin'
Ain't cha got no rhymes for me, do-it-do-do, feelin' groovy

Feeling groovy

I've got no deeds to do, no promises to keep
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me

Life I love you, all is groovy  (Simon and Garfunkel)

There was a moment yesterday as T. and I walked hand in hand in the brilliant sunshine, when I just had to stand still, stop and breath deeply. My chest was full to the brim and I was overwhelmed by a feeling that could only be described as joy. A large mockingbird flew from arbor to arbor singing every sound in its repertoire. The closer we came to the bird the more s/he sang. And, then, as we turned the corner, an enormous bush of little rose blossoms exploded bright yellow in full view right in front of us. We both gasped at its beauty.

And there it was, that feeling of joy. Tears filled my eyes and I was forced to stop and catch my breath. "Don't look now, " I said out loud, "I think this is what happiness must feel like."

I am talking about relief. If I have not yet reached the other side of my shadows, at least I caught a glimpse of the light. It feels a lot like forgiveness ... goodness ... guilt being washed away. I have always loved the scene in Out of Africa when Denys Finch Hatton (Robert Redford) washes Karen Blixen's (Meryl Streep) hair after a long day of safari. There is a relief in her face and tenderness in his that made me catch my breath almost as intensely as yesterday's feeling of joy. There was a similar feeling when an angel washes Jesus' feet after saving him from the crucifixion in a what-if scene in The Last Temptation of Christ. A moment of enormous relief, a gift of love and compassion to Karen by Denys, Jesus by an angel.

Now this all might sound a little bit dramatic, I know. But it was. Dramatic, I mean.

Out there in the beautiful day, with my life partner, celebrating his birthday, surrounded and supported by years of hard work to understand ourselves so that we might love each other all the more, I was given the greatest gift of all. Relief, joy ... happiness. Even for a moment it was dramatic. For I know all too well the value of moments that build on each other and before you know it they become pervasive and permanent and a part of who we are - who we become.

It has taken years of hard work to drive out toxicities in my brain and replace them with new and different experiences. It has often felt like pushing through an entangled, gloomy forest, bushwhacking my way through in the dark trying to find a path out of there. Advancing small steps forward each time only to regress and return almost to the beginning over and over again.

Yesterday I actually saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Yes indeed. And I wanted to share it with all my readers who have stood by me through some really dark and gloomy days, depressing posts and uncomfortable revelations. I appreciate your patience and support for, Lord knows, there are those who simply had enough of it and chose not to stick around.

More specifically, I wanted to write about it for me too. Because one of my strongest reservations about writing a book for teachers on emotional development and discipline was connected to the fact that I would not know how to describe joy or happiness. I did not want it to become a book only about anger, pain, suffering or, even, the human condition. I reminded myself this morning that back in January I began the challenging journey of exploring happiness. I even changed the name of my blog to enhance the trip.

So here I go ... plod, plod, plodding along ... continuing the journey ... wounded, flat-footed like Frank ... towards the light side of the moon.

Perfect day for it

To Longwood Gardens and back.

And even a Mockingbird accompanied and sang to us ...

... with sounds like a cardinal, blue jay, and ...

... just mocking, mocking, mocking ...

Tonight at 9:00

The Gilad Barkan Quartet on WGBH

May Day May Day

(from the New Yorker today)

 

Peace in the valley

Yesterday Molly and Ada watched as I moved all the plants out of the house and onto the sun porch. First they sat on two sides of the sofa, then they moved to the porch far enough away so as not to be disturbed by the activity. They sat still and silent as cats do, like small statues. And yet their peace and wisdom accompanied me as I huffed and puffed, pulled and pushed, heaved and ho'ed. As the evening descended we sat all three amongst the plants looking out at the trees, watching the goldfinches shining brilliantly in the dwindling sunshine. I sipped on a glass of wine and I think I actually felt real, pure contentment. Am not quite sure what that feels like but I think this must have been it. My breathing was deep and comforting, brow smooth, eyes softened and heart full of, well, yes, peace.

I wrote in my reply to Mary's comment this morning:

I like how you describe the difference between writing from the heart and not the ego. Recently I was looking at my "stats" and realized that in the grand scheme of things I have very few readers compared to those bloggers with hundreds of "hits" a day. I have always been plagued by a sense of having to be great or famous or something - matching up to one of my family's dramatic styles of being in awe of greatness.

Recently I realized that I don't have that need hardly as much as I used to. Letting go of the "ego" is so liberating. The more I allow myself to cut the emotional, umbilical chord, break old bonds, paradigms and thought patterns, the more I am able to let go of my strict, screaming, blaming, high achieving, perfectionist, guilt-ridden, self-loathing ego.

Am slowly but surely learning to live from the heart and to breathe deeply. There are actually moments of pure peace.

Being so alone this past year, armed with all that Bob had given me I faced down those inner demons time and again, over and over, and reached into those intimate places of my soul that were terrifying and excruciatingly painful. Each time I survived, becoming stronger, and finding compassion and forgiveness to greet me at the other side.

But, something is finally shifting inside me. I can feel it. It has something to do with taking a stand for myself. Gentle, compassionate actions rather than agitated and aggressive. Making careful and responsible choices about future work and life partnering. It is all coming together. After all these years, I am allowing myself to visit the birth place of my old father. Gathering pieces of myself I look fondly on all the life lessons I have received from my older siblings: how to be fit and healthy, manage life's crises, experience joy and laughter, or the importance of fighting for universal rights ... the list is endless.

Now, perhaps I can get at the matter at hand. The book!

Blog your process. Blog the reservations and confusions. Post drafts. Liz

Okay, Liz. Reservations coming right up! ... ahem ... soon ...