And so here I am early in the morning, up with the robins and little Ada Mae. She sprawls on the table close to my fingers as they tap, tap, tap on the keyboard. She wrestles with a piece of string that lies next to her and every now and again licks her paws. My little buddy early in the morning. She has been up most of the night staring out of the window at the great Fairmount Park. Who knows which animals she sees strolling by under the shadow of the moonlit trees. Her knowing eyes widen to look at me every now and again. Blog - Ada - Ada - blog - tap, tap, tapping ...
A friend and I talked about me and my blog just the other day. We were sipping different beverages. She a cold, chocolate drink and me chai tea. Both munching on some kind of Kellogg's Styrofoam, strawberry-tasting snack bites. "L., I have to give up my blog. I just have to," I said. "No, you must not," she replied, "It is good for you. It helps you. You feel strong and confident after you write in it." Munch, munch, crunch, crunch. Finally she says she cannot eat anymore of those Styrofoam-tasting snack bites. "Can I leave them and not finish them?" She asks politely. Of course! I understand completely. She continues about how at some weblog sites people get into fiery debates about stuff but at mine somehow comments are always kind and supportive. "You need that," she explains.
I think about our discussion this early morning. How kind my blogging community is to to me and ... is it strength and confidence I feel after writing? Sometimes writing a post helps me understand confused feelings. At others I simply love sharing a thought or two out there in space somewhere. Of course, comments are always a special treat. Acknowledgment and validation. But more than that, comments give me the feeling that I am connected to some kind of community. I recognize that the blogging community has served to fill a void that I felt so excruciatingly as I arrived in Philadelphia over a year ago, after leaving my home of 18 years.
Blogging has also helped me process the many years of therapy with Bob. I have gotten to know myself as I share my journal ramblings with cyberspace. Putting it down in black and white for others to read along with me, bear witness and validate, has helped me sort out, confront and face down some of my deepest vulnerabilities. So no doubt about it. Blogging feels like a life-saver.
On the other hand my most productive writing hours are early in the morning and I seem to spend them blogging or reading others when I could (should?) be writing books, articles, other things ... I sense that time is drawing near for me to let go of this kind, virtual community and plunge myself into reality. I am indeed stronger and more confident. So much has become clear about who I am and why I do, think, feel the way I do. Naturally I realize that if I stop blogging I will disappear like a puff of smoke. No one is indispensable and although among my tiny readership some will undoubtedly miss me a tad, the cyber world will happily roll along without me.
And so, my dear, tiny readership, here is my blog-a-doodle-dandy plan. One more week until I depart for a ten day vacation to Greece. While there I will take a break from blogging. When I return, a decision will be made. So, let's have fun together this week. Mother's Day is coming up and other stuff is bound to appear.
The count down begins ...
Just in. An e-mail from L.
Hey, Tamar, I read your blog today. Have you read people's comments yet? They are still supportive. What a nice crew! I will miss you and them.