Sometimes I sit in front of the computer, open up the blog posting page and stare at the screen. I know I want to write, and feel a stirring within - a kind of turmoil in my stomach. There are things I want to say about my life, politics, memories, or relationships.
For example, how it feels to be a mother of a grown son, who has moved away and on with his life. Happy for him on the one hand, and, on the other, constantly negotiating with my sense of worthiness now that he no longer needs me. After all, as a single parent, I felt entirely responsible for his physical and emotional well-being for decades. And now, it seems that suddenly I can let down my guard and relax. Instead of feeling joy about it, I often feel empty and lonely. Until I realize that this is how it should be, and that my self-worth is not about being needed, but more about feeling fulfilled and productive in who I am and what I do.
I stop and think about what I have just written, and still the stirring continues.
I have more to say ...
Self preservation for me has always been about being silent and invisible, until I am no longer able to contain the discomfort and anxiety from repressed feelings. What a dilemma, for then my self-expression feels so volatile and dangerous to me, I have to quickly back down and go under again. I feel like a monkey swinging through the trees - between the branches of self preservation and danger. It is wired into the emotional templates of my brain since my earliest childhood. The challenge for me is to find a way to break the circuit. That creates further stirring within, because the image of becoming free of this dynamic is exhilarating, exciting, and empowering.
Now I see the monkey swinging joyously into a wall, which gently opens up a crevice, widely, welcomingly, allowing the little creature to plunge through to the other side and out into warm sunlight. Just like it feels sometimes on my morning walk, when I lift up my face to the wintry sun shining through the clouds to warm up my smiling face.