Surely I haven't said everything there is to say? As I start writing I realize that, in fact, there is so much I want to write! Some of it is private though. About inner feelings and thoughts of one thing and another.
"Private?" I almost exclaim out loud. It is early morning and the house is quiet - even the cats are not stirring. So I contain the exclamation to myself. I have hardly ever been private on this blog. Indeed, I have shared my deepest feelings and fears. Lately, though, I am starting to want to keep things private.
"Don't give too much of yourself away," Ziva, one of my therapists used to say to me. "You give too much in the hopes of receiving the same amount from others. And then, when they don't reciprocate, you are disappointed, and it feeds into your life script about not being wanted."
I have been thinking about Ziva's words from almost thirty years ago. In those days, I never quite understood what she was talking about.
But, lately, I get it!
To my core.
I have decided to tell a different story to me about me. I am literally in the process of changing my life script. I have to, because the old one does not fit the me of now - not in any way. I laugh out loud, alone in the dawn light of my study. It feels right - the slipper fits! Oscar and Mimi sense my joyful emotion, and start running about the room in play - chase and catch, chirping and purring as they do so.
Timing is everything, and I have been traveling toward this moment for many years. Arriving doesn't mean the end. Indeed, it feels like the beginning of something fine.
Dare I say ... happy?
I think I know the days, and moments even, when my journey began. There were catalysts and coincidences, and people aong the way, who opened doors, or gave me the tools to break down walls - some kindly and gently, and others, who through their conscious or unconscious mean spiritedness, rocked and shocked me out of comfortable delusion and denial.
And it fits too - as the season of reflection, forgiveness and gratitude is upon us - that I am genuinely grateful to them all.
And with this new story ... I begin my countdown to Thanksgiving.