Writing a blog is becoming a commitment. I am not sure what kind. Is it a commitment to keeping my audience updated with the latest and greatest? Or a need to please my readers by not disappointing them if I don’t write? Or perhaps it is a commitment to myself. A way of promoting my creative spirit and generating writing exercises for becoming a “real” author in the future. What is it?
Actually, I am becoming exceedingly uncomfortable with this commitment. You see, if I give speeches, make presentations or conduct professional consultations, I feel like I have a duty to be prolific and knowledgeable. In those situations I find it easier to wax lyrical. I am able to go on and on.
However, talking on the telephone or expounding theories at dinner parties, I fall silent. More than that, I become uncomfortable if asked to speak. For example, if someone turns to me and says, “How are you?” or “What do you think about thus and such,” I become quite anxious and while I have learned social skills and am able to reply to these questions, I prefer to remain silent and listen and observe.
Over the years I have learned the source of this discomfort and I am becoming more able to negotiate with it thus making it easier in intimate situations like dinner parties or telephone conversations. One day I might share the source with you – but not yet. I need to get to know you, the reader, better.
Blogging brings discomfort right into my face each time I sit down to create a posting for my web page. Unless I have been asked to speak, present or consult, I feel as if I have no right to my opinion. Mostly I feel that everyone else’s opinion is much more valid, even, more important than mine. At times I even feel that other peoples’ opinions are even more factual than mine. In other words, I have difficulty validating my reality.
I wrote a whole book about “Confronting Our Discomfort.” So I probably should be an expert, even comfortable confronting mine – no? Well, no. I believe we write or teach about that which we want to learn or understand. Confronting my discomfort is excruciating for me at times. It even causes physical pain sometimes through head, stomach, backaches and even chest pains. Yes indeed, dear readers, I am prone to anxiety attacks!
I know that many of my staff, students, colleagues and friends cannot believe this about me. A year ago my friends found me weeping over the sink in our hotel bathroom as I trembled and shook in terror of having to give a presentation that morning. They were amazed and shocked to find that out about me. After all, they thought it was easy for me to stand up and share my knowledge. I mean, people, you should see me! When I present sometimes I make people roar with laughter or weep with sorrow. I probably should have been an actor. That surely would have helped me confront my discomfort more than early childhood education does.
I might not have something really important to say to you every day and even if I do I might not feel I have a right to say it. If I am able to confront my discomfort, I will try to honor this “blog commitment obsession” or I might just quit the whole thing. I’ll let you know!
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