Emotional Evolution

Charlie once told me that I am like a professional groupie. He was concerned for me. I know that now. He was talking about the way I put certain people on a pedestal and dote on their every word. His concern was about what might happen to me when I realize that those people are mere mortal, human beings. How kind of Charlie to worry about that for me. I think he wanted to protect me from the pain of disillusionment. Or was he telling me something about himself?

Young children believe significant adults in their lives are always right. More than that, children believe that adults are immortal with super powers.  When parents say to children things like, "I know what you're thinking," "I am always right," or "You are destroying me," children believe them. They have to feel this way because they depend on adults for physical and emotional survival. We are always surprised, shocked, or full of wonder when teenagers become disillusioned with the adult world, forgetting our own painful period of adolescence, if we ever had one.

In that context, my adolescence happened very late in life for me. It has taken me a long time to shake off the reality that I was taught by the significant adults in my life.  And it is still ongoing. Most people I admire I believe are so much more than I am: more beautiful, caring, intelligent, wise, younger, older, competent, organized, moral, ethical, pure, virtuous, fun, energetic, humorous, charming, kind, compassionate, poetic, literary, prolific, scholarly, spiritual, vegetarian, right, better off, exciting, brilliant, popular - the list goes on. I match myself with all of this and come up lacking most of the time.

Granted, a lot of it has to do with the idea that I am a younger sibling. However, I think it is more likely that I am emotionally stuck when I choose this way of thinking or believing. My emotional evolution seems to progress, and then every now and again draws me back to my inner child of this or that age. Lately I have been think that religious fundamentalism (whether it be Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist - whatever) or orthodoxy, is connected to a person's or society's emotional evolution or level of maturity if you will.

As children we need this type of magical thinking of a super power who knows best and controls us sometimes as a benign dictator, and at others like a cruel and vicious one. The paradox and complexity of human development is that we need them for our survival - life or death. Adults own the Truth for children and that way we learn about reality, right and wrong, good and evil. Children make up rules and rituals that develop a form of justice, fend off the evil eye or create power structures - much like organized religion. Just recently I was privy (as an observer) to a group of e-mails that talked about the necessity of "benign dictators" when "the people" did not know what they were doing. Time and again I hear people talking about God in that fashion. It is not by chance that most of the Gods we are taught to believe in are male. After all we all grew up (and still are) in a patriarchal system. The more we shut out other opinions, beliefs or points of view, the more emotionally stuck, or less emotionally evolved we are.

Dear Charlie, I wish you could hear me now or that we might continue this discussion. I miss you so much because you opened yourself up to me in ways that assured me of your mortality and human-ness, and never allowed me to think that you owned any truth or that you were better than me in any way. You shared your vulnerabilities, fears and shortcomings with great love. Dear friend, there is no need to feel concern for me. Disillusionment is freeing. I am learning that I have a choice in what I think, believe and feel. I no longer fear exploring all kinds of ideas and truths and am thrilled with my new found skepticism about purism.

At the same time, I rather like being a sort of groupie. So many human beings are full of wondrous talents and abilities that never cease to excite and exhilarate, inspire and challenge me. I rather like to hold onto some of their teachings and ideas for awhile - hold them in the palm of my hand and seek out the kernels of truth that enhance my reality. My naivete and surprise at the mystery or complexity of life keeps me energized and alert.

Comments

[Matt]

I very much enjoyed your thoughts here. I especially enjoyed your insights about the need for a means to explain the mysteries of life, whether it be benign or cruel, whether we be children or adults. Very true. By the way, this is "amba" and "True Ancestor"'s nephew writing... Thank you for your comments on my blog, and I look forward to reading more of yours.

[Tamar]

Hey, Matt! Welcome. I have added you to my "Newly acquired blog interests." I am enjoying reading you too. You are one of those rare teachers who care deeply about children. I appreciate that more than you can imagine.

Michal you are making perfect sense. After all, this piece is just my opinion. And you have yours. I hope you slept well in the end.

[nappy40]

I do this too, put people on pedestals in my mind. Usually professors. The disillusionment comes when I see them drunk, which is bound to happen if you spend any amount of time chatting them up to get course advice or letters of recommendation. But they're just people too and maybe I should just get rid of that pedestal.

[Tamar]

It used to be so shocking for me to find out that my heros were "just human." On the other hand, lately, it makes me feel more equal when I know that we are all just human together.

Recently I am interviewing for a faculty position at a number of different colleges. It has been intimidating and frightening for me, to say the least. Especially since I seem to put people in academia up so much higher than me. I have a colleague who reminded me that most faculty are just like me. They too have come from regular working class families where most of them are the first ones to go work in college settings. So much of what academics do is a bunch of posturing and pretending to hide where they come from. In fact, so many of us come from similar backgrounds.

Knowing that has helped me feel on an equal footing and sometimes I feel a glimmer of, "Hmm they are lucky to have me!" Not often - but sometimes.