Today I was reading the "connoisseur of ambivalence" on a subject after my own heart, namely spirituality. I was reminded of an interaction that occurred between a colleague and me during this past year.
After one of my presentations at a conference this spring, I was standing at the elevator waiting to go up to my room before I left that city to return home to Buffalo. There were dozens of people standing by the elevator. As it was the end of the conference there was a sense of urgency in the air as everyone was starting to leave at the same time. Suddenly, a young woman approached me hurriedly. She was holding something in her hand. As she came near she mumbled something like, "I don't know if I should, er, um, but I just think you really need this." She pushed a hard object into my hand. I looked down at it and when I looked up again she was gone. I ran out from the elevator lobby and searched down the hallways. She had disappeared just as suddenly as she had appeared.
On my way up to my hotel room in the elevator I looked at the object she had placed in my hands. It was a bible. In fact, it was a book of readings from the New Testament. There was a bookmark at a page that had been picked out for me and a note which read:
"Tamar, you don't know me, but last year I sat in one of your workshops and you testified to not believing in God. I immediately got up and left your class, and I have not gotten you out of my heart and mind since last year. I pray you will take this book and read just how much God loves you, and that he had his son crucified just for you. You are and will always be lost until you come to know Him. I am praying for you and please do read this! Love in Christ."
On the plane ride home I thought about the note and the gift. I was sorry that the young woman had felt fearful to approach me and yet had expressed so much passion in her note. When I arrived home I sent her an e-mail letter as she had left her mailing information alongside the note. I wrote:
What a pity you didn't stay and talk with me after you had the courage to give me the gift of your bible! Thank you for your concern and good wishes for me. I was touched that you had thought of me and so sorry that I had been a source of "worry" for you this past year.
Of course there are so many things to talk about with regards to your action, feelings and thoughts about all of this.
I did want to tell you though that:
a) Please don't worry about me so much. I am comfortable in not knowing any one truth. My soul searching takes on so many different paths and all seem connected in the wonders of humankind for me.
b) I was born Jewish and lived in Israel for 19 years. Israel, as you may or may not know, was created out of the need for a homeland for Jewish people after the terrible Holocaust in Germany where 6 million Jews were gassed and burned to death because they were not Christian. My father's people came to Rhodes Island, Greece, because they fled the Spanish Inquisition where Jews were forced to convert or were slaughtered and murdered - in the name of Christ.
c) I watched Black African people in Zimbabwe forced to accept the Christian faith in the most disrespectful ways undermining their own beliefs and values and wiping out their entire culture. I am sure you know what was done to Native Americans and African slaves in the U.S. in the name of Christ? If not, I would hope that you have time to read about these events of our dark history.
And so, I think that anyone "Truth" is extremely dangerous when there is no respect or understanding for another person's way of thinking, feeling, and especially, believing. In addition, I feel very strongly that ALL of these beliefs were taught to me by a white, dominant, patriarchal system for all sorts of political and social reasons, one of which, and not least, is to keep women oppressed.
I still have so much soul searching to do. I have not nearly reached my version of the truth. I appreciate and respect your ardent faith and devotion to your God. I can only hope, in my heart and mind, that in time, you will be able to make space for all kinds of people with all their ways of knowing and believing too.
Perhaps one day we can meet up at a conference and really talk about these things together?
Four months later, in the summer, I received a reply from the young woman:
Hello Tamar! I won't take up much of your time, but I just wanted to let you know that I am still praying for you and that I have a book that might interest you.
She suggested a couple of books to me and after researching them I replied the next day:
I see that you are still hoping I will become a Christian! I looked up the book you suggested on-line at Barnes & Noble and this is what it says: "Among important books on the defense of Christianity, this one has few equals. Evidence That demands a Verdict is an easy-to-read, front-line defense for Christians facing tough questions of critics and skeptics. Using secular evidences and other historical sources, Josh McDowell's faith-building book is a 'must read' for every Christian."
It's the "must read for Christians" that was interesting for me in helping me understand what your hopes and prayers for me are. Perhaps I wasn't clear in my past communication with you. I am not Christian. I was born Jewish. If anything would interest me in becoming it would be Buddhist, but even then I feel no need for organized religion of any kind. I saw a wonderful bumper sticker the other day and actually thought of you! It read: People who wander are not always lost.
I am not a critic or skeptic. Jesus teachings are beautiful - especially the parts about forgiveness, compassion and not judging others. I find the Buddha's ideas to be just as powerful and meaningful. Unitarian Universalism has excellent philosophical teachings that have often appealed to me too. Indeed, everyone searches for some meaning to the mysteries of life. I feel comfortable in accepting that people have different ways of finding these meanings - and comfortable in not knowing any one Truth.
I appreciate your concern and prayers for me. Perhaps we could meet up at the next conference and chat about all of this? Have a wonderful summer! I will be traveling to Israel in late August to see my family and shall think of you because it is, too, the land where Jesus was born and lived - as a Jewish man.
I have not heard back. Perhaps we will meet up at our next conference this spring.
As I wander through my spirituality, Thomas Paine's words accompany me,
I am a citizen of the world and my religion is to do good.
Darling Michal,
I hope you are having sweet dreams as I reply.
I am so happy for you that you have a higher power to guide you.
It is good for me to know that some of what I write might be interesting to you.
Sending you love from Philadelphia!
Posted by: Tamar | February 07, 2005 at 05:11 PM
You and that young woman were talking different languages, Tamar. She thinks you will burn in hell forever. She sees nothing wrong with the idea that anyone who doesn't make the same pledge she has made will be subjected to unimaginable, endless torture at the hands of her loving god, simply for the crime of not bowing to the proper authority.
Here's another good bumper sticker I've seen in several places: "God is too big to fit into oe religion."
Posted by: Richard Lawrence Cohen | February 08, 2005 at 05:27 PM
How sad to think of one's God as being so cruel and vengeful. Pure Patriarchy!
Great bumper sticker!
By the way, Richard, I heard from Amazon just now - Joanna Field is on her way!
Posted by: Tamar | February 08, 2005 at 06:08 PM