And this little yogi went wee, wee, wee all the way home

I once heard Swami Venkatesananda speak at a Yoga seminar in Tel Aviv. Someone in the audience said that it was easy for Yogis because they could sit alone in a cave all day with themselves while "we" all had to work and interact with others. Venkatesananda smiled and said, "Have you ever sat alone in a cave? It isn't that easy you know."

As I crawl back into my cave, two things come to mind as I begin to think and process about the past few days journeying through Western and Central New York.

First, I rediscovered how much I enjoy presenting. And I surely did a lot of that: four in five days. Sharing stories and knowledge is exhilarating for me. However, the rewards are greatest when people participate and share their story as well. There is always something new for me to learn. For example at the end of each major presentation and keynote, young women (a different one each time) came up to me and handed me a brochure that talked about joining the Christian faith. At the end of my presentation about connections between teachers' emotions and children's behaviors, I was given a brochure titled "Faith Not Feelings" from a Baptist Church.  After the keynote on Confronting Our Discomfort yesterday, "God's Plan For You" from the "Remnant of Israel Ministries" was given to me in great earnest. The young woman looked long and hard into my eyes and impressed upon me the urgency that Jesus would save me if only I would open my heart to Him. I smiled as I accepted their gifts of love and did not try to explain that I am an atheist. In a way I was almost honored that they felt safe to approach me, and remembered the conversation a year ago after the gift of a bible.

Of course, none of this has anything to do with me or who I am. It does not even have anything to do with the material I am presenting. It has everything to do with the evangelical spirit of the heads of our country. The State of the Union and message from our administration is clear: "Fear the valley of Terror. Turn urgently towards - ignorance?"

A dear friend e-mailed me today after we had been "chatting" about this issue. "What on earth is going on with everyone? Have we entered a dark age where everyone is running to the Lord in whatever form they can only find HIM?" I wrote. He replied: "We are entering a new Middle Ages, I think. People have had enough of modernity and uncontrollable social change that leave them confused about what they should believe in --- and, in fact, whether they can believe in anything at all. It's hard not to be sympathetic on some level, but the irrationalism and narcissism that accompanies this state of mind are alternately scary and stupid."

How like the watchful eye of the blog to echo some of these thoughts this very morning as I browsed my favorite blog headlines. I suppose it just is not so subtle any more.

The second part of my recent visit had great significance for me. I realized that as challenging and painful as it has been "meditating in my cave" alone in Chestnut Hill these past few months, it has been enormously important and beneficial. Bob the therapist and I had much to discuss. I basked in his encouragement that supported my recent choices and decisions as I move ahead to "claim me." It has been a lifetime coming. I feel reinforced and excited to face a new era in my life whatever it may bring.

I entered our apartment late last night. Ada and Molly wiggled and purred, rubbed themselves on doorways and between my legs. My life partner away at a conference, and for the first time ever, I will spend Passover completely alone this year. My cave feels warm and comforting. Alone does not mean lonely.

Perhaps I will be able to shed this old burden, antique childhood feelings of being unlovable and undeserving, and become less fearful.

I wonder why - but Prior, in Angels in America comes to mind at the end of Perestroika, somehow weaving together for me, the Pope, evangelical State of our Union and my personal growth:

I'm almost done. The fountain's not flowing now, they turn it off in the winter, ice in the pipes. But in the summer it's a sight to see. I want to be around to see it. I plan to be. I hope to be.

This disease will be the end of many of us, but not nearly all, and the dead will be commemorated and will struggle on with the living, and we are not going away. We won't die secret deaths anymore. The world only spins forward. We will be citizens. The time has come.

Bye now. You are fabulous creatures, each and every one. And I bless you: More Life. The Great Work Begins. 

(Tony Kushner, 1994. Royal National Theatre)

Comments

[Julie Leung]

Hi Tamar! I wish I could get together with you and also hear one of your presentations. Through recent opportunities, I am discovering that I enjoy speaking and sharing stories, but I also prefer when others can participate too in a dialogue or discussion. Enjoy your comforting cave!

[Tamar]

Hi Julie,
Perhaps we might meet up one of these days. We make trips sometimes to Seattle to see family.

I would love to have you at one of my presentations!

I loved your Tulip Sushi!
And my cave just became even warmer ...
Be well.