Feeling Safe (update)

And Quote of the Day (with thanks to Amba):

A Romanian proverb, "You'll die . . . but not in May." 

Many thanks to Plumbing the Deeps for this ...

See below for an updated anecdote received as an e-mail:

In Scolding:Why It Hurts More Than It Helps, Erik Sigsgaard talks about the psychological effects of scolding. Amongst the damages caused by scolding he names, humiliation, guilt, shame, anxiety and stress. He describes philosopher Logstrup's phrase "the zone of the inviolability" or Goffman's "intimate space."

These terms describes a zone that every person has and where others have no admission. [It] is usually respected in the normal social life of adults. If on occasion it is violated [it] is perceived as unpleasant ... while adults normally intuitively respect each other's zone of inviolability, that is not the case in relations between children and adults.

Lately I have been thinking about what it is like to feel emotionally safe with someone.  Does everyone have a person they can feel emotionally safe with? Can a person feel emotionally safe with everyone? What are the qualities and attributes of a person we can feel safe with? Is it the fact that they listen without interruption? Is it their body language? Do they lean forward attentively coming in closer instead of backing away in fear? Do they criticize, analyze or judge? Do they accept and reflect? Is it the way they look? Their age? The shape of their hands or look in their eyes? Do they remind you of someone you know who made you feel safe when you were a child? Is it their smell? Do they touch too much or not enough? Is it something to do with the way they laugh, smile, cry with you or don't cry with you?

For example, hands were important for me when I was a child. The look, feel, texture, even the length of fingers. When I was eight and my mother had to go to hospital to give birth to my younger brother I agreed to stay with a friend of hers only because she had similar hands to my mother. Her hands made me feel safe. They were strong and capable.

What does it mean: emotionally safe? Is it that you can express yourself emotionally and the other person will not be afraid? Is it connected with being allowed to express anger without fear? Does it mean that you can talk about uncomfortable topics like death, divorce, hatred, love, jealousy, disappointment, anxiety, fear, success without worrying that the other person will leave you?

For example, as I was growing up the dominant view in my family was atheist, scientific and rational. Opinions of the significant adults in my life were intellectually cynical about religion. When I was twelve I felt safe to ask only one of my sisters: "Do you believe in God?" I knew she would not laugh at or tease me for asking that question. She was sitting at my bedside as I was going to sleep. I spoke softly so as not to be overheard. She replied, quietly, seriously, respectfully: "No, Tammy. But I know that some people do."

Has emotional safety got anything to do with people validating or believing your experience, or trusting them to tell you the truth?

As I get older and especially since Charlie died I think about who I would feel safe to die with if I became terminally ill. Of course I would want Tom and Gilad to be ever so close by. However, there is one person who I know would be able to tell me the truth about pain, illness and dying. She wouldn't try and make me feel better or cover up the reality and placate me with white lies. She would tell me what was really going on, with love, caring, without drama or sentimentality.

Appropriate emotional guidance is crucial for young children's emotional, social,cognitive, and physical development. I wonder about how teachers view emotional safety for themselves or how they were supported to feel safe when they were children.  I think about how their feelings of emotional safety affect guidance of young children's behaviors and, specifically, expressions of feeling.  Do teachers make connections between guidance of behaviors that make them uncomfortable and their own emotional experiences as children? And if not, how can we help them do that?

Have we all been brought up and educated by adults who have used scolding to shame and humiliate us? Does this make all adults wounded to some extent? How does this affect our interactions with children as we care for and educate them?

These questions are important for me as I proceed with writing my next book. Many of you are parents, all of you have been children, and some may be teachers. Do you have any thoughts, ideas, information or opinions that might answer my questions or generate different ones?

This just in as an e-mail from a teacher of four year-olds:

Great blog entry today. Am still thinking about it. Made me think of the big "religion" talk I had to have with my class a few years ago, among other things. It was the year I had O. in my class, who was being raised atheist, and several children who spoke frequently of the things they had been learning in Sunday school. The one thing I will never forget (and I have the exact conversation written down somewhere) was this exchange:

One child was using a "bad" word or calling someone a name, like stupid or poopyhead (can't remember exactly what it was). Another child said, very seriously, while painting at the easel, "God punishes you for using words like that." (some discussion about that followed) O. speaks up: "Well, it's not like that for me because I don't believe in God." ("YES!", I said to myself!) I think I interjected at some point with something like "Well, different people believe in different things and that's OK." (I use this line a lot!)

Time passed and the religious talk continued.  O. became really interested in some of the things they spoke about, particularly the notions of angels and heaven. Her dad became concerned and spoke to me about it. I came to you for advice and then had a "religion circle" that went very well, I thought, even if it did ultimately veer off into talk about Hercules (when I mentioned people that believe in a whole bunch of gods) and Disney movies. The gist of it was that "different people believe in different things and that's OK. When you're a kid, your parents want you to believe what they believe. When you become an adult you can decide what you want to believe in."

(We had started off the year like I always do talking about how everybody is different but inside we're all the same (we all experience happiness, sadness, need love, etc.) and reinforced it throughout the year.  There are many children's books about this but my personal favorite for that topic is Mem Fox's "Whoever You Are." Simple and to the point with fantastic illustrations. I think it helps children understand or respect individual differences to spend some time talking about them at the beginning of the year.)

Comments

[Richard Lawrence Cohen]

Tamar, I don't have anything in particular to add, because you've said it so well and completely. But as someone who has scolded and been scolded, I want to thank you for saying it.

Also, I too grew up in an antireligious background, and have long felt it to be something I want to overcome.

[Adriana Bliss]

A very interesting and gut-wrenching topic for a mother in the throes of raising three rule-challenging children, and so well-written, to boot! I've often worried about my lectures bordering on scolding - modern parents try so hard not to be abusive, negative. They are mocked often about their trying to discipline using words of kindness rather than angry words (saying, "Please, Tommy, don't hit your sister with the hammer."). Should we spank? How long should a time-out be for? Can I tell my child, "You're being mean!" if he is? What about yelling? When is it right, when is it not? It's all in our words,, right? Recently, I expressed worry to a good friend about cutting my son's hair (he's 11 and wanted to grow it long as is the style) as a form of punishment. My friend laughed and said she doesn't worry about the psychology. If he fails a class, he's loses the hair. End of story.

Oyyyy....

[Tamar]

Richard, thanks for adding what you did. I love hearing from you!

Adriana, I so much want to write a book called "A Handbook of Guilt for Parents." Don't you think it will sell millions of copies? Parents are made to feel guilty all over the place. I'm sorry if my piece did that to you. It is challenging to know how to parent - we all do the very best we can and mostly it's based on generations of parenting in our respective families. We each find our way through it. Parenting is not a profession. It's a way of being with people we are intimately involved with!

It seems to me, from reading your blog, that you work so hard at understanding yourself. That is one of the best things we can do for our children.

Thanks so much for sharing these feelings of care for your children as well as your fears.

[Julie]

I could not possibly find "emotional safety" if I feared that the other person would leave me. If there is any doubt of the other's constancy then there is an absence of emotional safety. Emotional safety finds its definition for me in honesty of intent. I do not mean always telling the truth. It means more like being honest with what one intends the truth to do. It is no good being honest if you know this will hurt.

[Tamar]

"It is no good being honest if you know this will hurt."

Julie, how do we know if the truth will hurt? Could it be that we assume this based on our own interpretation of events, looks, feelings?

And if it hurts? Is that a bad thing? Or could we become closer to one another by understanding each other's pain or where and how it hurts?

[Julie]

Not so much "assume" - more like figure out or decide - and yes I guess it is based on our knowledge of the other person and our interpretation of a relationship.

Sometimes it is a bad thing. I think it is a bad thing if an unadorned truth is told knowing that it will cause hurt. Whereas a retelling that suffers via a sin of omission may not be totally truthful but will support the other instead of destroy.

I agree that we can become closer if we tell the absolute truth but only if that absolute truth is objective. Frequently what is truth is only subjective. Another would not have that as their form of truth.

I think that absolute truth in a relationship is vital. For example, "I no longer love you" is neither subjective nor objective. It is both and the utterer is the only person whose position on this topic matters. However, something like "I really like that cherry chemise on you" is purely subjective. Another: I thought you sang flat tonight. This might be true and there is a good chance that it will be objective. However, what is the intent? To tell the truth come hell or high water? Could you not replace it with, "I have heard you sing better than you did tonight. Is your throat tender?". Instead of saying, "Your opening stanza was nearly inaudible" could it not be replaced with "You become stronger the further into the piece you delved"? This is a sin of omission but it causes less hurt. If we know in advance that it is going to hurt, are we still obligated to tell the whole truth?

[nappy40]

I can really appreciate what Julie wrote about knowledge and interpretation. I have found that the interpretation part is easy--the knowledge part is tricky.

[Tamar]

All interesting questions. Thank you Julie and Nappy 40.

I, personally, would rather be told what the person really thinks and feels without omission. But that is because sometimes I seem to be able to "sense out" or feel if someone is hiding something from me. I know that Charlie wanted me to say the words to him that no one else would say: "Yes, you are dying, my friend." And then he seemed able to share his fears and feelings which no one had allowed him to do for fear of hurting him.

And then, can "Truth" be objective?

Each person, each circumstance is different, I guess - just as you said, Julie, in your post on emotional safety: "There are probably as many forms of this as there are people."

[Danny]

I can relate to Julie's thoughts but I know that so often for me it's the second-guessing how other people will respond to me that gets me into serious trouble. I can't tell you how many times in an effort to avoid "hurting" someone (MY interpretation of what will hurt them) I end up hurting them way more in the end. I can even point to examples from this week!

As for my own "emotional safety," having big issues with shame, I need to feel that the other person isn't going to "make fun of" my emotions or dismiss them. But I like what Tamar said: "And if it hurts? Is that a bad thing? Or could we become closer to one another by understanding each other's pain or where and how it hurts?" I know I often learn best through pain and hurt. And if I spend too much time worrying about how my statements and actions might hurt others (knowing all the while this is my guesswork) I eventually lose myself completely and am useless to myself and the other person. I'm not condoning malicious intent—but I'm learning that sometimes I will cause hurt and sometimes I will feel hurt. So what? Pain is a great teacher!

(Tamar, for the next book, we'll have to figure out how to footnote blog entries!)

[Tamar]

As I see it, one of the good things about pain is it helps us realize where and why we hurt. But that is only if we are allowed to feel and learn the signs so that we are able to benefit from it. If we are taught to hide from, numb out or deny pain, we won't understand what there is to learn. Take anger for example. Anger, if we allow ourselves to accept and understand it, can help us make a stand for personal or societal human rights. It is a productive emotion only if we make peace with it and not see it as something evil. We need our emotions to help us negotiate our lives.

Danny, footnoting blog entries sounds like a great idea. I trust you will initiate its inception!