It's like bird watching. You see what you know

Do you remember Feeling Safe?

This morning I found this reply to it in my e-mail:

What a beautiful confidence you gave me.  When I read in your blog that you would feel safe with me if you were dying, I got that special tingly feeling. My breathing slows, my face glows, there's a warm tingle up my spine--a bit like having a back rub. One of your great gifts is giving tingly feelings. You may go in and out of confidence yourself, but you're very good at giving confidence to others.

You have me thinking about safety.

Safety does have something to do with honesty. A person with an honest self-assessment is a tolerant person. When I unflinchingly look at my foibles and failings, I realize I don't have any reason for self righteousness. The more I honestly inventory my own gifts, the more I pay attention to other people's talents. It's like bird watching. You see what you know.

Looking life square in the face is part of safety. People who love life realize it is finite. Or is it the other way:  people who understand life is finite, cherish life.

No doubt a good part of my feeling safe is rooted in a safe childhood ... R. and I joke about our families: "suspicious of intensity," boring, consistent, "don't make waves," unemotional. Safe, yes, but with a whole other set of problems.

All the things you are--creative, passionate, intellectual--arise from a very different kind of childhood. So you think about fitting in and we think about breaking out.

The little guys (3 and 5) and I like to wrestle. We have one rule: Wrestling is Pretend. They dream up elaborate choreography. Last week (3) explained one move for me: "You knock me down on the pillow and then I jump up, because I'm knock down proof." I hope he's "knock down proof" all his life. They like the game because I never take advantage of my size and I let them create the game.

So, dear readers, can you feel why I would want to die with this person? (spoken in a whisper)

Comments

[Jean]

Yes. and she's right about your gift for giving tingly feelings...

[Tamar]

Jean, thank you.

[Nian]

"We suffer, therefore we joke; we joke, therefore we are happy." I saw this when I was browsing a Chinese website, which I feel is like a gift in you that has reached out to me. I thank you for this generous gift, and also for the confidence many others have had from you too.

[david]

These are such important issues, Tamar. I remember a few times when he was younger, and I scolded my son, how ashamed he was, and how each time I had to learn all over again that his self-directed shame would totally eclipse anything that the scolding was meant to teach. He's very sensitive, and the only message he received was, "Avoid my scolding at all costs."

Great post!
david

[nappy40]

What a lovely post, Tamar. Your blog is a safe place.

[Tamar]

Yes, David, I have always thought that these are extremely important issues. Lately, since the brain research information, I am even more convinced. We are unable to erase our earliest emotional memories, and as an adult I affect children that way - deeply, forever. What an awesome responsibility.

Nappy 40 and Nian, thank you so much for your encouragement and kindness.