I belong to it all, it belongs to me

Come to think of it, I have always used writing to help me through difficult times.

Thinking about my favorite age lately because of one blogger or another. But also because of remembering the feelings at that time. Strength, empowerment and independence. There were moments when I was confident from within. I trusted me.

I was thirty two.

Life was hard physically, emotionally and financially. Being a single mother, my only means of transport a trusted bicycle and the Israeli buses. As a preschool, kindergarten teacher (ganenet in Hebrew) I made no more than $500 a month.

I wrote a piece about my bicycle:

I like the idea of riding through my life. I jump on my bicycle - blue and silver, gentle friend - you give me strength, stability, you help me share the world around: the sea, the green, warm, spring days, blistering summer wind, cold, wet winter. On your saddle, wheels spinning round you help me realize my own strength, freedom to choose, to act. I love you so for this. I ride with the wind in my hair - free, so at one with all around me, and slowly but surely I build up the shivering, trembling, frightened me. I learn my strengths, my weaknesses, I learn my independence and to love my alone-ness.

There is something beautiful, wondrous, adjoining with the one and All in loving one's alone-ness. One thing that no one will ever be able to do - take me from me. I might weaken, bleed, writhe in pain, but within remain strong, firm, at peace with the sea, mountains, plants, sky, sands, sun, moon, stars - I belong to it all - it belongs to me. And whoever leaves me - cannot take away, won't ever destroy That within me.

I wrote about separation:

There is something so beautiful in sadness - in parting somehow. Pain of parting is also in anticipation for the new, the unknown. Anticipation and pain together make the over all feeling beautiful and enriching in a way. Fear of feeling, however, sometimes clouds beauty and enrichment.

To bid farewell to past sorrows and resentments is also to hail the newness to come. I feel a reaching out into the unknown future with so much hope that within me something opens up, up, up and out like a flower blooming in the spring - a rebirth. And I tremble with the joy, hope, the anticipation of it.

Eleven years prior to this I wrote a number of poems at the end of a passionate love affair:

It was not a long while ago

That when I turned my head

I was whole.

That the hand that clasped mine

Was, in fact, my palm.

It was not a long while ago

When friendship was true

And warm.

And that two souls

Blended and met quite naturally.

And yet. It seems

I lie and exist as half.

As half a soul I hide

In cold and

I am deceived

By the strength of time.

And this one ...

Rays of moonlight and sonata

As the blue dark envelopes

And caresses.

Soft, gentle blue,

Deep and intense as moonlight

And stars seep into the soul.

Entwining, enclasping, enfolding

As the room spins and twirls

And the thick blue waves

And enriches.

Deep, dark, blue sobs

And an eternity of forever.

Those were sad and lonely times. Writing accompanied me, giving the support I needed to understand the pain and move on.

Last night I had a thought:

If I became completely in confidence what would this blog become about?

Like therapy, should I hang on to neuroses and pain so as never to leave my therapist?

Do I have to stay out of confidence to continue my blog?

Comments

[Alicia]

Good to see your poems posted! And you and I have the same hair! Only mine is darker. :-)

[Barbara from California]

I wanted to say how much I have enjoyed reading your blog and the ways in which it seems to have empowered your thinking.

Continued good success.

[Danny]

Love that top photo of you—so full of emotion! And I enjoyed your rumination at the end of your post. My response is that I enjoy your writing whether you're feeling "in" or "out" of confidence so don't worry about your blog, but, and please don't take this the wrong way since I'm also talking about myself, I don't think that day of being 100% "in confidence" or devoid of all neuroses and pain is coming any time soon!

[Ronni Bennett]

When the time comes, Tamar - and you'll know when that is - you can just change the name of your blog...

[Brenda]

What beautiful photos you have shown us. What beautiful writing you have shared of younger days. I am so impressed I'm wondering if you have a little of that 'out of confidence' to spread around! What I most love is not your Pre-Raphelite hair, your beautiful face, but your eyes, in all their fullness, openess, pain, joy, blessing, kindness, compassion, brilliance, and spiritual quietness...

[Tamar]

Yeah, Danny, I think you're probably right about being devoid of neuroses or pain any time soon.

Ronni, I certainly like the idea that I will know it when the time comes and that I could, perhaps, change my paradigm through naming of the blog ...

Alicia, Barbara and Brenda, thanks so much for enjoying the photographs and "old" writings.

[Jean]

Beautiful words, beautiful glorious dramatic hair, pre-raphaelite, as someone else said - I love what you wrote then and what you write now, and selfishly hope you will want to carry on sharing it here for a while, at least.

[Tamar]

Ah Jean, thanks so much for these very kind words. If you read the post I wrote today, I count you as one of my angels who came without even being summoned ...

[nappy40]

If you change the name of your blog, then I'll have to change mine.

[Adriana Bliss]

Your writings are beautiful, Tamar, as are the pictures. I think what I love about these pieces you put up is the thread of "grasping the positive energy" in the face of difficult times. In each writing, while you describe struggle, you are still bringing out the light.

Now, I have to say, too, that if 100% IN confidence would bring about an end to the blog, then please, never gain the extra percentage. :)

As a note, writing has always accompanied my journeys.