Making friends with me

If a friend stood in front of a mirror and said out loud, "God I look like hell. I am so fat and ugly and disgusting." What would you say? Never mind a friend. If a stranger said that, what would you say?

Would you say? "Yes, how terrible you look. You might as well lie down and die."

If a friend or a stranger stepped down from the treadmill and said out loud, "It's no use. As much as I work out it won't help. I am a disaster and will never change. I might as well give it up." What would you say?

Would you agree? "Yes, what's the use? You are hopeless and nothing will ever help. You are a lost cause."

Most likely you would rather say something like, "Oh no! Hang in there. Don't give up. You have great potential for change. You are strong and capable. You just feel a bit wiped out right now. In a minute or two you will feel full of energy again." Or, perhaps, "I don't think you are ugly and disgusting at all. You shouldn't put yourself down like that. You have a great smile and a long, slender neck - remember how that music teacher of yours back in 1970 said that you look like Audrey Hepburn or a Modigliani painting?"

As I stepped onto the treadmill this morning I was thinking  about how we denigrate ourselves in all sorts of ways, and at that moment the music of Abba started up through the earphones of my MP3. Sometimes I like to listen to Abba when I work out. Their music had accompanied me through a particularly challenging time in my life in the early 80's. The period of my first divorce. In fact, I realized today that the early 80's marked the beginning of a healing process for me that would take close to 24 years - coming out of a lonely and unhappy childhood, through years of self-destructive behaviors, and into my comforting "cave" of recent months. When I am feeling compassionate towards myself I think that 24 years is not so long considering that all the other stuff took about 32.

As Abba started singing S.O.S., I smiled and thought: "I wonder what this song will sound like if I hear it as about a person singing to themselves - about me singing to me?"

Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find
I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind
Whatever happened to our love?
I wish I understood. It used to be so nice, it used to be so good

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me
S. O. S.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. O. S.
When you're gone - How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone - Though I try, how can I carry on?

You seem so far away though you are standing near
You made me feel alive, but something died I fear
I really tried to make it out. I wish I understood.
What happened to our love, it used to be so good

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me
S. O. S.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. O. S.
When you're gone - How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone - Though I try, how can I carry on?

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me
S. O. S.
And the love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. O. S.
When you're gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone
Though I try how can I carry on?
When you're gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone
Though I try how can I carry on?

I started laughing out loud and the beat made my walking faster, stronger, more energetic than usual.

I once read a saying somewhere that, for years afterwards, influenced my interactions with children:

Treat your child as if she was a guest in your house.

I wonder what it would feel like if I applied it to myself?

Treat myself as if I was a guest in my house.

Comments

[Ella]

Yes, we should be nicer to ourselves, it's so easy being too hard.

Have you seen Mamma Mia, the musical? I saw it in London this winter. It's great and filled with so much good music and happiness, I really reccomend it.

[Jean]

Oh my, I'm remembering what a friend of yours wrote here about your ability to evoke tingly feelings...

[Tamar]

Thanks Ella and Jean!

I sometimes wonder if learning to treat myself with respect and love is narcissism?

[Danny]

If that's narcissism, then it's certainly GOOD narcissism! If only we could learn to treat ourselves the way we treat others. If I subjected Leah to the constant stream of ugly criticism and judgment that I lay on myself every day I'd be guilty of child abuse. At those moments when I'm torturing myself with self-hatred I've been trying to imagine that I'm my own child so that I can find some compassion.

[Joel]

What you are implementing is what cognitive therapists call "positive self talk". And it's proven to be effective.

Studies of depression show that medications by themselves and cognitive therapy by itself do OK when used. Apply the two together and you have a powerful combination.

Balance those neurotransmitters! Tell yourself that you are a good person! Treat yourself well!

(Just watch out about preparing huge feasts in your honor and eating them all by yourself.) :D

[amba]

Your ABBA song reminded me of another that I love -- the Police's "Message in a Bottle," which ends with Sting singing over and over, "Sendin' out an SOS
Sendin' out an SOS
Sendin' out an SOS
Sendin' out an SOS

I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bot-tle . . .

With that wonderful unsentimental reggae harmony.

A blog is like a message in a bottle, isn't it? Be a good name for a blog. (Bet there already is one.)

[Tamar]

Danny: I know. Isn't it amazing? If we sometimes talked the way we talk to ourselves, to our children - it would be considered child abuse! And yet, BECAUSE we see ourselves that way, I fear, we DO sometimes actually talk to children that way. I mean, how, otherwise, did we come to have these messages in our heads in the first place?

Joel: Indeed, what a powerful combination it must be! I am smiling now thinking about the "feast in my honor" notion. Leanne suggested in her comment at my "Old Friends" posting that my "feasts" are rather small lately - so right now the idea of a huge chocolate cake in my honor is a powerful image! The question is: would it really be doing myself a favor? I mean - as in treating myself well?

Amba: I thought about that Police's S.O.S. song as I put the ABBA one up! In fact, as I was typing I was singing the other. Wonderful! And oh my goodness yes - I do think blogging is a lot like a "message in a bottle." The metaphor brought tears to my eyes - as your writing so often does for me!