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Posted by Tamarika on June 17, 2005 at 07:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)
In mid May a study was released from the Yale Child Study Center finding that "preschool children are three times as likely to be expelled as children in primary school" making that approximately 5,000 preschool children a year.
When we say "preschool children" do we get the picture? Very young children ages 3-5 years or sometimes two and a half through 5. If we think physical size these are little people - much smaller than the average adult who cares for them.
For example I have observed adults in a room become paralyzed with inaction when a little toddler (age 2 or so) says "no" defiantly to their parents when it is time to go home from the Child Care Center. Sometimes I come quietly from behind and tap the adult gently on his or her arm. I say softly, "Pick her up." What were they all afraid of?
Our role as adults is to guide and support children as they learn the ways of our society - not expel them when they do not follow orders. Early development means that young children are naturally egocentric until they learn how to adjust to our social norms. If we throw them out - away - how do we help them join us? How do we model a caring community if we exclude them at such a tender age?
Bruce Perry says that early childhood is the easiest time to create humane people, and traumatized children are from a different culture. He also says in the first three years of life we lay down memory for the rest of your life, and in our society we make the choices about our socio-culture - it is not genetic - some of our choices, Perry says, are excellent and some are bad.
When young children bite, kick, push, spit, curse, throw stuff around or at people, hit or yell, chances are they are in trouble. They are probably in deep, emotional pain or their anxiety level is too high and they have no other means at their disposal to let us know how they feel.
It is in those very moments we should hold still, enfold the child with loving arms and give her a firm, clear, direct message: I am here to help you, I will never abandon you, you are so important to me, I want everyone to be safe here, I am in this with you, we'll get through this together, you are not a bad person.
Not chuck 'em out!
Walter Gilliam, from the Yale Child Study Center and author of the recent research on preschool expulsion said: "Expulsion is the most severe disciplinary response that any educational system can impose on a student ... and represents the complete cessation of educational services without the benefit of alternative services."
Now tell me: how do you create humane people from that?
I know that this is a complex issue. For example, teachers of young children are underpaid or qualified, group sizes are way too large, and inappropriate teaching methods are used because of standardized testing. However, I have a lot of suggestions about what we could choose to do as a society that does not include exclusion. If you are really interested, I will tell you about them one day.
[spoken in a whisper] Oh yes and I forgot to mention, I also have a theory about why we fear children's behaviors that challenge us. But that is for a different post.
Posted by Tamarika on June 16, 2005 at 08:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)
Dedicated to Leanne ...
Well, yes. Some have hinted or even stated it categorically. I have started the South Beach Diet.
Some things to note about it:
There is plenty of food to eat.
I do not feel hungry or deprived.
I am learning to enjoy cooking (after many years of not at all) because the recipes are simple, yet delicious and so I feel culinarily (is there such a word?) competent.
Yes, I am losing weight.
Some other by-the-way things to note:
I work out daily.
A person has to be ready and willing to succeed at any diet.
As I start to shed the pounds and feel a bit lighter, I notice that food gives me comfort and without it I tend to feel empty and afraid from time to time. There are even moments when I feel a little shaky. So, eating, for me, serves a purpose other than nourishment of my body. Aha! Am not sure if I would go so far as to call it an addiction but it has the makings of one.
I realize that many people have influenced the way I think about food, exercise and health: my sister, Elise, who taught me how to swim when I was a child and helped me improve my tennis game. Her example always accompanies me as I develop strength and fitness; Jane Fonda's work-out tapes that I used to follow in the 80's - I still conclude my treadmill work-out with Fonda's stretching exercises; Andrew Weil for health. I take his suggested vitamin cocktail daily; Swami Ji Sivalingam for teaching me Prana Yoga. I still enjoy my daily regime of asanas and breathing exercises, that I learned so many years ago, feeling flexible and peaceful, at least for some moments after wards; Bernie Siegel's writings taught me so much about the mind-body connection.
Conclusion: Leanne, I hope you enjoy the grilled salmon, oven roasted vegetables and arugala salad I am preparing for you tonight when you bring over Siddhartha for us to see!
Posted by Tamarika on June 15, 2005 at 12:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)
Well, since Mimi's reconnection with me, and thinking about the questions she posed, I have come to the conclusion that one purpose of this blog is to gather in pieces of my life and create one whole picture of my self. I feel that for years I was dispersed into many different parts including time periods, countries, continents, towns, marriages, intellectual, emotional, social, physical ages and stages. All scattered here, there and everywhere - adrift and rootless.
As I reflect, write and reconnect with people or make new blogger friends lately, I find that I seem to be gathering my arms around and pulling in all these different pieces and aspects of my self, and slowly, but surely, becoming a whole not-quite-so-anonymous me - Tamar or Tamarika, as my father used to call me, with great love, when I was a child - a combination of all these parts:
wild and crazy, weak and strong, in-and out-of-confidence, atheist, spiritual, friend, feminist, hippie and nun, radical, mother - proud and guilty, sometimes over and at times under weight, tennis player, walker, traveler, gardener, cat and dog lover, bird and animal lover, counselor, supervisor, author, professor, teacher, older woman, activist, speaker, weight-watcher, South Beach dieter, food lover, philosopher, cleaner of toilets, bad cook but sort of getting better, good listener, music lover, blogger, wife to a number of people, past lover of some, divorcee from a number of people, yogi, cousin, niece, (half) aunt, (half) great-aunt, half-sister, step-mother, daughter (in-law), sister (in-law), confused, clear, kind, sad - oh so sad, joyful, angry, frightened, assertive, a person who likes tea, adores coffee, and sometimes gin and tonic, authentic humus or a bowl full of all kinds of berries, lover of movies, ballet, theater, books, planes, boats, trains, cars, bicycles, buses, the tube, the "T", taxis, who loves to dance and sing, play the piano, hot weather, feet - no - mountains of snow, adores the sea, swimming in it, full of life, boring and tired, lonely and yet - not alone.
And, for some reason, obscure or perhaps like notes with Mimi, or "a message in a bottle," I like to tell it to you - readers out there - my tale of me - here on this blog. Sometimes all day long and sometimes I just need a rest.
And, besides, if I didn't blog I wouldn't get to read something as beautiful and wondrous as Kiss Me Pretty, which, gratefully, I found over at Sandhill Trek who also recently, generously talked about my friendly (and right now encouraging) editor, Danny Miller.
Posted by Tamarika on June 14, 2005 at 10:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)
Some of you might remember my post about Child Bloggers. Well, thanks to the reunion, Internet and our one true blogosphere, she found me!
This is what she wrote:
Hi Tamar
This is your old childhood friend Mimi who just came upon your website through the preparations for the Habonim reunion - at which I will make a special point of looking for you . It will now be easier for me to recognise you than you me, but we shall see. Perhaps they will give everyone name-tags!!
If you have become a writer (which I did not know - I only vaguely knew that you were in the US) I can claim credit for encouraging the early signs of talent in the note-game we used to play for endless hours at 6 Birchenough Road - do you remember? could you forget ???? See you at the end of the month ............ Mimi
Well, dear readers. You all know me by now - Can you imagine my reaction?
______________________________________________________________________
Newsflash:
Just in. Mimi has allowed me to publish her photograph in my "Friends Album." You will find her as "Mimi." She asked many questions about the blog and I thought, "Hmm ... we are writing our "notes" again.
... in fact I don't understand what this site of yours is - what do you mean "for my readers" ?? Who are the people who regularly (?) read and respond to your site? I mean what is the common thread that makes this group of people get into a particular site (yours) ??? And from what I see it seems to be a very extensive and detailed site indeed. What is actually its purpose?
Only - now - I want to reply - want to drop the note into a little box, pull the string, and have her pull it up or around to where she is seated (by her computer at this stage in our "game"), only this time, 40 odd years later - I don't know what to say ...
I mean:
what makes people "get into" my site?
and - oh dear:
what is actually its purpose?
Posted by Tamarika on June 14, 2005 at 07:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)
If a friend stood in front of a mirror and said out loud, "God I look like hell. I am so fat and ugly and disgusting." What would you say? Never mind a friend. If a stranger said that, what would you say?
Would you say? "Yes, how terrible you look. You might as well lie down and die."
If a friend or a stranger stepped down from the treadmill and said out loud, "It's no use. As much as I work out it won't help. I am a disaster and will never change. I might as well give it up." What would you say?
Would you agree? "Yes, what's the use? You are hopeless and nothing will ever help. You are a lost cause."
Most likely you would rather say something like, "Oh no! Hang in there. Don't give up. You have great potential for change. You are strong and capable. You just feel a bit wiped out right now. In a minute or two you will feel full of energy again." Or, perhaps, "I don't think you are ugly and disgusting at all. You shouldn't put yourself down like that. You have a great smile and a long, slender neck - remember how that music teacher of yours back in 1970 said that you look like Audrey Hepburn or a Modigliani painting?"
As I stepped onto the treadmill this morning I was thinking about how we denigrate ourselves in all sorts of ways, and at that moment the music of Abba started up through the earphones of my MP3. Sometimes I like to listen to Abba when I work out. Their music had accompanied me through a particularly challenging time in my life in the early 80's. The period of my first divorce. In fact, I realized today that the early 80's marked the beginning of a healing process for me that would take close to 24 years - coming out of a lonely and unhappy childhood, through years of self-destructive behaviors, and into my comforting "cave" of recent months. When I am feeling compassionate towards myself I think that 24 years is not so long considering that all the other stuff took about 32.
As Abba started singing S.O.S., I smiled and thought: "I wonder what this song will sound like if I hear it as about a person singing to themselves - about me singing to me?"
Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find
I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind
Whatever happened to our love?
I wish I understood. It used to be so nice, it used to be so good
So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me
S. O. S.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. O. S.
When you're gone - How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone - Though I try, how can I carry on?
You seem so far away though you are standing near
You made me feel alive, but something died I fear
I really tried to make it out. I wish I understood.
What happened to our love, it used to be so good
So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me
S. O. S.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. O. S.
When you're gone - How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone - Though I try, how can I carry on?
So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me
S. O. S.
And the love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. O. S.
When you're gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone
Though I try how can I carry on?
When you're gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone
Though I try how can I carry on?
I started laughing out loud and the beat made my walking faster, stronger, more energetic than usual.
I once read a saying somewhere that, for years afterwards, influenced my interactions with children:
Treat your child as if she was a guest in your house.
I wonder what it would feel like if I applied it to myself?
Treat myself as if I was a guest in my house.
Posted by Tamarika on June 12, 2005 at 12:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)
Quote of the day:
There's no straight lines that make up my life
And all my roads have bends
There's no clear cut beginnings, and so far no dead ends - Kalilily Time
Posted by Tamarika on June 10, 2005 at 01:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)
"lmeade" showed us the picture while commenting over at Richard Cohen, who tells a tale of peasants buying pigs, and then Ronni speaks of them:
Never try to teach a pig to sing – it wastes your time and annoys the pig. Mark Twain.
Posted by Tamarika on June 10, 2005 at 07:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)
So many bloggers are posting 100 facts about themselves and I feel as if my entire blog is facts about myself. Oh well, and yes, feelings too! Here is one fact about me connected to a feeling.
My favorite song (which I sing quite well too, by the way) is Across the Great Divide by Kate Wolf. I first heard it 18 years ago in Herzliyah with a bird-watching man who had clear blue eyes, and wept when he listened to music. Ah, and it's a relief to realize that I have forgiven him too. I especially love Kate Wolf's version but Nanci Griffin does a great job too. Well, of course, she has Emmy Lou in the back-up vocals!
I think it's a song about how I feel.
Across the Great Divide by Kate Wolf
Posted by Tamarika on June 10, 2005 at 07:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
I just couldn't wait to share this story with you from Pure Land Mountain.
And then speaking of Crumb over at Sandhill Trek, I remembered this post card I adore. My son once sent it to me and it reminds me of him so much.
Last night I dreamt that I asked you why you were so angry with me. You said, "It's since the dissertation." I told you how I feel. I raged and cried and wept some more and then miraculously, beautifully, you held me tight with warm, strong, safe, accepting arms, and said, "It's okay, Tamar, it's always going to be okay."
I awoke and wanted to run and e-mail it to you but at once remembered:
It was just a dream and you and I don't believe in miracles.
Besides, it is all within me.
________________________________________________________________________
And, speaking of dreams on the same day, Blogging in Paris ...
H old fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow
Langston Hughes
And, please check out fp's fantastic story in the comments here.
Posted by Tamarika on June 09, 2005 at 02:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)
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