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June 16, 2005

Comments

Jean

Tamar, your writing on this subject just rends my heart, as someone who was taught by the age of 3 that I was beyond the pale. Just as well exclusion didn't happen in those days, I suppose - I'd definitely have been a candidate. By the time I was 5 I used to put myself in the corner because I'd learned that I was very very bad. But no one had tried to hold my rage and help me to deal with it, only told me I was wicked, which frightened me and made me scream louder and become more immovably defiant. And 45 years later it still feels like yesterday. Ugh!

Tamar

Jean, thanks very much for sharing this. It is precisely because of experiences like yours that I am writing about this. In fact, I hope that my next book will deal with this issue head on.

I am so sorry that you had to go through such humiliation and disrespect. Your pain rends my heart.

Richard Lawrence Cohen

This is fascinating and important. I don't know the right answer. Please write more about this.

adriana bliss

So sad the conflict has hit the pre-schools - individualism versus roboticism. Like Richard, I hope you write more about this, Tamar. I want to know your suggestions because I've run into this problem headlong.

I have to hand it to the pre-school we sent our children to in that they successfully manage all kinds of children. The teachers are so good at comforting that even the kids who act out the most are worked into states of calm without trauma. The program there is created for the child - they bend the rules if the child needs the rules bent. My second son didn't fit the mold and the teachers completely "understood." They adjusted the lessons and let him play with the groups in which he felt most comfortable, even if the group was of a slightly younger age level. If he wasn't in tune with what they were doing, he was allowed to do something else. Same with my daughter who attends now. Their particularities are enjoyed rather than punished.

I've yet to come across that same level of compassion in the public schools even when such compassion is possible. Public schools can be handed a method of compassion that will work with the state standards and they will refuse because they don't want to bend the rules. As I mentioned in my most recent blog post, my oldest son doesn't fit the mold in junior high and he's punished rather than getting his needs met. I understand that the schools need to stick to state standards, money is at stake, I get the requirement of it. However, they do not bend at all unless the child has a diagnosed disability. They do not serve the child. Very frustrating. Because the child grows up and then can only get ahead by bending society's rules and "thinking out of the box." Our schools train them to be robots then they get punished by society for being robots.

Tamar

Richard and Adriana, I will be writing more on this. It is a subject that is very dear to my heart and, hopefully, Danny's.

Adriana, I am so sad to hear about the state of public schools with regards to emotional development. When I address this issue it is usually at the early childhood level so let's see what future posts will bring. What good fortune you have with your children's preschool!

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