Tamarika

Thinking about it

Just like Jean once did ...

so am I ...

thinking ...

of calling it a day ...

Pockets of light

Quotes for today:

From Danny Miller:

But imagine all the cathartic possibilities of directing your family members in a film that YOU get to write. The opportunities for “closure” are intoxicating!

From Sandhill Trek:

Krishnamurti said, "We must create immediately an atmosphere of freedom so that you can live and find out for yourselves what is true, so that you become intelligent, so that you are able to face the world and understand it, not just conform to it, so that inwardly, deeply, psychologically you are in constant revolt; because it is only those who are in constant revolt that discover what is true, not the man who conforms, who follows some tradition. It is only when you are constantly inquiring, constantly observing, constantly learning, that you find truth."

From Always Question:

"...a man who is seeking to understand violence does not belong to any country, to any religion, to any political party or partial system; he is concerned with the total understanding of mankind." J. Krishnamurti

From Never Neutral:

"Poetry, whose material is language, is perhaps the most human and least worldly of the arts, the one in which the end product remains closest to the thought that inspired it..." Hannah Arendt, 1958

From Winston Rand:

Planet Blog is very clearly built on symbiotic relationships. Each of us learns something every time we log on and read others’ works. Likewise, our readers learn from and are at least in some small way changed or influenced by our rants and ramblings. Sometimes positive, occasionally negative, but always there is change.

Confronting a review

I am honored that Matt reviews my book here.

Shedding the shame

In a recent comment, Adriana noted that she and I share the facet of feeling "out of confidence." I was particularly interested in the way she described me as saying it all so proudly. I have been wondering: "How did I come to be able to talk about my "out of confidence" proudly?"

Lately, Aimee Mann's song: Momentum has me wondering too: What is my routine?

Oh, for the sake of momentum
I've allowed my fears to get larger than life
And it's brought me to my current agendum
Whereupon I deny fulfillment has yet to arrive

And I know life is getting shorter
I can't bring myself to set the scene
Even when it's approaching torture
I've got my routine

Oh, for the sake of momentum
Even though I agree with that stuff about seizing the day
But I hate to think of effort expended
All those minutes and days and hours
I have frittered away.

And I know life is getting shorter
I can't bring myself to set the scene
Even when it's approaching torture
I've got my routine

But I can't confront the doubts I have
I can't admit that maybe the past was bad
And so, for the sake of momentum
I'm condemning the future to death
So it can match the past.

I try to put these wonderings together.

Watch how I develop feelings of "out of confidence" in what I consider to be one of my routines:

I listen to and try to be there for a person close to me - one who I love, admire and who I want to love me back. I try to take care of them emotionally and physically including: noticing, focusing only on what they like, makes them angry, interests them, and continuously doing things to please or make them happy.

While I do all this I put my self aside which means that after awhile I no longer know what I feel, think, want or need. The pay-off? I feel like a saint and am deluded by the notion that I am worthwhile because I am needed.

However, as time goes by I start to feel neglected, abandoned and lonely, and, consequently, resentful and angry, which causes me to speak out, explode and become irrational, emotional and feel like a victim.

In turn this leads me to feel bad for causing trouble, as if I am destroying people, ruining their life, and results in me slipping into an abyss of feelings: worthless, depressed, and like a very, very bad person. I even start understanding how the other person can (and should) hate me and probably will (should) leave me.

Working with children and families for over thirty years I have come to realize that everyone has some kind of "routine" or pattern. We develop a belief in ourselves based on relationships in our early childhood. In fact, recent brain research shows that our earliest emotional memories accompany us for the rest of our lives. As young children we navigate our way through countless instances of being shamed by parents, siblings and teachers who are trying to teach us right from wrong. We choose how to feel worthwhile and confident and hold onto these notions about ourselves even as we become adults.

The part of Mann's song that intrigues me most are the lines:

I can't admit that maybe the past was bad
And so, for the sake of momentum
I'm condemning the future to death
So it can match the past.

Self reflection, alone, and with a therapist, has been helpful for me to learn that I have a choice in how I break my cycle, interrupt the routine and stop those familiar, painful feelings over and over again. It is not always easy, and I have to renegotiate the in and out of confidence again and again. Probably will have to forever - but it seems to be becoming easier the more I understand how it all works or where it comes from originally.

I don't know but perhaps, just perhaps, sometimes I am able to, as Adriana commented: "say so well what's often in [her] heart, and ... say it all so proudly" because as I allow myself to shed the shame I become freer to accept myself with compassion.

While I was away

So much has happened while I was away.

But now I'm back and will post this weekend about My Routine as I promised before I left for Israel. I also want to relate to what Adriana commented about re: "Out of Confidence." So much to say. But let me tell you about Gilad Barkan's gig at Ryles.

This is what I saw about my son - proud mother that I am:

The gig at Ryles was absolutely spectacular. Gilad has written some new music which is really beautiful sounding and Amir Milstein, the flautist was a wonderful addition to the group. It was also excellent seeing Gilad surrounded by people who really love and admire him and watch his pleasure as he played with them. He was a creative, interesting looking young man who had brought together and led a diverse and wonderfully talented group of people. And he looked like he was having so much fun. There was a great spirit of energy and joy throughout the evening.

(My journal entry yesterday)

Going to Boston

Tom's Mom, JJ, is here.

We've boiled some eggs, prepared the thermos of coffee, packed the bread, cheese, apples and dates. There's a pillow in the back seat for JJ's Seattle-time jet-lag.

Ada and Molly have their own FBI

We're going to Boston to see Gilad. Be back on Thursday ... a bientot!

When to blogroll? (update)

Quote of the day:

I guess we have to hold to the connections and commonalities and struggle on with the differences. Jean concludes in the comments at Richard.

... after writing: I thought about taking you off my blogroll, Richard, because I so deeply disagree with what you've been saying in the preceding days. I couldn't, because of pieces like this, which are so beautifully written, and which I so much appreciate reading.

I have taken people off my blogroll, Blogs I read or my list, Connections and Interests. Jean's comment had me thinking about when I choose to link to another blogger or what makes me decide take them off. Sometimes I have thought, "Well, if they won't link to me why should I link to them?" but then have laughed out loud at that notion. Who could possibly care about that? I think I link to people who interest, even, intrigue me. By that same measure all through my life I seem to have had an eclectic group of friends of different religions or backgrounds.

However, if I "deeply disagree" with what people are saying I probably will not link to them. Last night I saw Robin Williams on Actors Studio. When Lipton asked one of the famous Bernard Pivot questions, what "turns him off" Williams replied immediately, "People abusing children." I certainly have a bottom line, too. I guess I get a sense of a person's intelligence, integrity or respect for others in terms of acceptance, fairness, or understanding, and I will not want to participate in their web-site if those conditions are unmet. An intelligent sense of humor, one that doesn't hurt, shame or humiliate others, is important for me too.

I remember once Ronni Bennett wrote about our Essential Natures and how bloggers can't hide who and what they really are. She wrote:

Even though few of us meet face-to-face, bloggers can’t hide who and what they really are. Over time of publishing regularly, spouting rants, offering opinions, arguing (politely or otherwise), discussing this and telling stories about that, one’s essential nature cannot help but be revealed.

In fact, [I] would argue that in reading someones blog regularly, it is easier to suss out a blogger’s principles, ethics and general demeanor than those of new friends or colleagues with whom personal contact is less frequent.

Ronni talked about some bloggers as being arrogant but who write well: and that

They may, if they are capable of recognizing the sounds of their own voices, take pains to cover their haughty pretensions, but it leaks through week after week.

So, Jean, I don't know if we always have to "hold to the connections and commonalities and struggle on with the differences." Sometimes, I disconnect because it becomes too unbearable for my sensitivities or principles to want to read further. I even think, "Ooh, yuk! Ugh!"

As I think this issue through out loud here with all of us together, I seem to come to some conclusions about my blogroll choices. I am not sure if my rules or conditions are that rigid. I certainly can be persuaded to change my mind about people if I feel integrity, kindness, compassion, a warm spirit, humor, passion or enthusiasm emanate from them. I don't think I judge the style of writing or knowledge of the English language. I enjoy a good laugh. I am probably way far left of some who read me and seem almost centrist and even right wing to others.

I remember the spirited discussion we all had when I declared that I am an atheist and yet Mark finds it in his heart to link to me! And we all three find ourselves often together over at Richard's place.

And, perhaps, some of the attraction is just chemistry. Yes, even via those blogo-waves.

For sometimes I read someone and think, "Hm, oy, I just love you!"

______________________________________________________________________________

E-mail interaction between Jean and I:

Hello Tamar, Gosh, I was shocked when I saw your blogpost, taking up my quiet little comment. You don't take prisoners do you? (that's a compliment). I agonised for days about Richard. Thought about asking other blogfriends for their views; thought, no, I was being a wimp about it and should know my own mind; and suddenly knew when I read his blog today exactly where I stood (well, where I stand today, anyway). So I'm comfortable with being challenged on this. I sometimes worry that middle-aged feminist women bloggers are a bit too nice and gentle and mutually complimentary with each other. I'm happier with that when it also gives room for such upfront reaction as yours today.

In reply:

Dear Jean, Oh dear - did it come out critical of you? I will rectify that! I was thrilled that you said it actually. I had been feeling that too! and then it got me thinking about myself. I took off XXX because I find [it] so full of sarcasm and hate and I even took off XXX because [it] is preachy and dogmatic!! I felt that you had such courage to write that at Richard's site and thought it was quite an important and interesting topic - why people link the way they do.

Where to next?

Today is Happy Birthday Gilad...

 

On Wednesday I will be in Boston to see and hear HIM.

Last Wednesday I heard him here.

Mainly I'm going to celebrate his 32nd birthday even if a wee bit belatedly.

I can't wait.

Driving there and back with T, and JJ, who arrives from Seattle this week.

I fear disappearing

Quote of the day:

I blog because this body of mine is not enough. I blog because I feel the need to exceed these four walls. I blog because there is so much to do, so much to feel, so much to say, and yet this time & space are so limited. I blog because of a need to feel ubiquitous, non-forgettable. I blog because I fear disappearing. Ernesto

More here.

Israel Trilogy: Part III

Diary of a Journey: Yoman Masa

[note: I wondered about writing this piece so soon after the bombings in London. And then I thought, yes, this is just the time for this piece ...]

Just before I set out for Israel, a friend sent me this article. Busy with Lyme and packing preparations I only got to read it on the ten hour plane ride across the Atlantic. Having lived in Israel for 19 years I knew Chaim Yavin and was intrigued by the description of the documentary he created because of the subject of disengagement but especially because it sounded controversial. In fact he had been called upon to resign his position as TV anchor because of it.

Therefore I was excited that I could view the fifth and final part of Yavin's documentary last Wednesday. Talk about Confronting Our Discomfort! No wonder people were literally screaming at him, calling him names in what they termed "a debate" after the program. As I watched him with his little video camera asking the questions of settlers, soldiers, religious and secular, right and left, Palestinian and Israeli I could not help thinking: "What courage!" The stories unfolded and the issue became complex and agonizing. At all times his behavior was professional as he asked the pertinent questions and stood back with his camera to allow people to speak. It was a piece of journalism that we hardly ever see any more anywhere. It made me squirm and weep. I became angry and passionate for justice. I was confused and sore. It made me think deeply and caused me discomfort. There were moments that my mouth fell open aghast and amazed and times when I felt my stomach tighten and tears rolled down my cheeks.

As I saw it, Yavin presented the issue thus: we have all created a situation that is horrific - causing pain and tragedy to every side. It is enormous and complex and we all have a responsibility to find a solution that puts an end to the suffering of everyone. Our responsibility lies in becoming aware of all the facts, developing compassion, learning to listen to one another, and fighting for justice for human rights for everyone.

The "debate" that followed was even more telling than the documentary. People were screaming and yelling at him, calling him names and doing all they could to deny the facts his documentary had presented. I wept and raged throughout this section. It is so hard not to feel hopeless when I see this much anger and torment - all this fear. I was grateful for Chaim Yavin's courage to tell his view in his personal diary of a journey. I wanted to see it translated and shown all over the world even if only as an example of responsible journalism.

On the plane ride back to Philadelphia I thought a lot about Yavin's work. It takes courage and compassion to take responsibility for righting wrongs. These days people seem to think that it is unpatriotic to question, critique, analyze or become aware of injustice and the complexity of human tragedy. How else can we break cycles of violence if we are not willing to face the discomfort we feel about our part in creating or sponsoring human tragedies out of fear and historical vendettas? We should not be screaming at Chaim Yavin. We should hail him as a national hero and learn from his work. We really need to stop yelling, people, and rather sit and weep together as we struggle to create different solutions and paradigms.

But, then again, I have often been called naive and idealistic.