Shedding the shame

In a recent comment, Adriana noted that she and I share the facet of feeling "out of confidence." I was particularly interested in the way she described me as saying it all so proudly. I have been wondering: "How did I come to be able to talk about my "out of confidence" proudly?"

Lately, Aimee Mann's song: Momentum has me wondering too: What is my routine?

Oh, for the sake of momentum
I've allowed my fears to get larger than life
And it's brought me to my current agendum
Whereupon I deny fulfillment has yet to arrive

And I know life is getting shorter
I can't bring myself to set the scene
Even when it's approaching torture
I've got my routine

Oh, for the sake of momentum
Even though I agree with that stuff about seizing the day
But I hate to think of effort expended
All those minutes and days and hours
I have frittered away.

And I know life is getting shorter
I can't bring myself to set the scene
Even when it's approaching torture
I've got my routine

But I can't confront the doubts I have
I can't admit that maybe the past was bad
And so, for the sake of momentum
I'm condemning the future to death
So it can match the past.

I try to put these wonderings together.

Watch how I develop feelings of "out of confidence" in what I consider to be one of my routines:

I listen to and try to be there for a person close to me - one who I love, admire and who I want to love me back. I try to take care of them emotionally and physically including: noticing, focusing only on what they like, makes them angry, interests them, and continuously doing things to please or make them happy.

While I do all this I put my self aside which means that after awhile I no longer know what I feel, think, want or need. The pay-off? I feel like a saint and am deluded by the notion that I am worthwhile because I am needed.

However, as time goes by I start to feel neglected, abandoned and lonely, and, consequently, resentful and angry, which causes me to speak out, explode and become irrational, emotional and feel like a victim.

In turn this leads me to feel bad for causing trouble, as if I am destroying people, ruining their life, and results in me slipping into an abyss of feelings: worthless, depressed, and like a very, very bad person. I even start understanding how the other person can (and should) hate me and probably will (should) leave me.

Working with children and families for over thirty years I have come to realize that everyone has some kind of "routine" or pattern. We develop a belief in ourselves based on relationships in our early childhood. In fact, recent brain research shows that our earliest emotional memories accompany us for the rest of our lives. As young children we navigate our way through countless instances of being shamed by parents, siblings and teachers who are trying to teach us right from wrong. We choose how to feel worthwhile and confident and hold onto these notions about ourselves even as we become adults.

The part of Mann's song that intrigues me most are the lines:

I can't admit that maybe the past was bad
And so, for the sake of momentum
I'm condemning the future to death
So it can match the past.

Self reflection, alone, and with a therapist, has been helpful for me to learn that I have a choice in how I break my cycle, interrupt the routine and stop those familiar, painful feelings over and over again. It is not always easy, and I have to renegotiate the in and out of confidence again and again. Probably will have to forever - but it seems to be becoming easier the more I understand how it all works or where it comes from originally.

I don't know but perhaps, just perhaps, sometimes I am able to, as Adriana commented: "say so well what's often in [her] heart, and ... say it all so proudly" because as I allow myself to shed the shame I become freer to accept myself with compassion.

Comments

[Ella]

These things are difficult. But you explain them in a really good way Tamar. It seems to me that you know yourself, and that you don't try to suppress your feelings.

[Brenda]

If we can see the routines that aren't helping us be all we can be (& I wrote rutines, interestingly) then perhaps we have a chance to change them enough to make a difference in the relationships in our lives... a very thought-provoking post, Tamar, thank you. xo

[Tamar]

I once read a book by John Bradshaw, "Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child," who said that we commit a type of violence to children if we do not confront our own childhood issues. I agree with him.

[Richard Lawrence Cohen]

Reading Bradshaw was eye-opening for me a few years ago, Tamar. Since you're in the field, I assume you've read other things of his, but I especially recommend HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU. How sad that shame should be the key to so many of our lives.

[Tamar]

Yes, I have read that one too, Richard. He pretty much opened my eyes when I read him many years ago. It's quite a miraculous feeling, shedding the shame, little bit by little bit...

I try to keep away from people who use "shaming" as a way of communication. Just too painful - just presses too many buttons.