Am heading out to my first official day of work. Even though I feel prepared: courses ready, syllabus copied, lists organized, office set up, ID card and parking tags in place, Dr. T.J. on my office door - even though - I had a fitful sleep last night waking every hour with no thought in particular, wide-eyed and shallow breaths.
When I finally decided I'd better get up as no more sleep would be coming, it felt like my birthday or one of those wedding days (I've had a few of those!) or the day of the dissertation defense back in 1997. Exciting but scary, energy flowing right down to my finger-tips, eyes wide and stomach bubbling with anticipation.
In and out of confidence I go. Is my hair too gray? Why didn't I lose all those pounds of weight? After all I had a whole year of forced sabbatical - I could have, should have, would have ... do I remember what I knew, what I know, will I know? And then the other voice whispers through the aggressive and hostile self-interrogation: I am what I am, who I am and that is and will be okay ... after all "they" hired me so "they" must have some confidence in my ability, knowledge, competence, worth ... surely?
I splash water on my face, look out at the tall, strong, old, oak tree that towers way above our three floor apartment building and hear the clink, clunk of acorns plopping on the patio, sidewalk, bird feeder. My cave will be here when I come home tonight. Molly and Ada will greet me and scratch at their post with delight hoping for a treat. Breathe in and out slowly. After all this is what I have been wanting for ... is it ... eleven years? Once, I traveled thousands of miles to achieve it. I've worked hard and dreamed of it.
And so, okay, all right, I mean: yes indeed, I deserve it,
don't I?
I wish you well, Tamar.
Posted by: Mark Daniels | August 29, 2005 at 08:57 AM
Yes, I hope it all goes well for you today! ;-)
Posted by: Julie | August 29, 2005 at 09:30 AM
I'm thinking of you Tamar. You will be fine. Everyone gets nerves on their first day. But once you settle in and everyone gets to know you for just being YOU it will all be OK. ((hugs))
Posted by: kimbofo | August 29, 2005 at 12:23 PM
First day jitters? You'll do fine. ***sending good thoughts your way***
Posted by: nappy40 | August 29, 2005 at 03:48 PM
Thanks for all these good wishes. How grand to return home in the evening to find you all here with me!
Posted by: Tamar | August 30, 2005 at 06:50 AM
You are there to teach, to impart knowledge. That is what you do. That is what you are well prepared to do.
The students are there to learn from you. That is what they do. They will judge you by what you teach them and how interesting you make the process, not by the color of your hair or how much you weigh.
It is that simple. Live it that way. You will be a success. Stay In Confidence!
Posted by: Winston | August 30, 2005 at 07:54 AM
Hope it's a memorable day, too! You'd be a great teacher to have, those lucky students. xo
Posted by: Brenda | August 30, 2005 at 08:45 AM
So it looks like you have passed your first day test. We know you can! Will wait for you to share your beautiful stories...when you have time, Dr. T. J.
Posted by: Leanne | August 30, 2005 at 10:28 AM
Yes! You deserve it. Best atcha, Tamar. -mg
Posted by: Mary Godwin | August 30, 2005 at 01:58 PM
Oh Tamar, I do know those contradictory voices within! We can't shut them up entirely but at least we can expose them, let them out of their hiding place, make fun of them. You know you'll be fine, that's the voice which makes sense. Looking forward to reading about your new experiences.
Posted by: Natalie | August 30, 2005 at 07:24 PM