How am I ... Really?

Yes indeed. That's me on my wedding day 6 years ago (March) with Puget Sound gloriously behind me in Dick and Nelle's back yard. Dressed in silver-gray to match my hair and age, adorned with flowers in my hair as I had always, always wanted for my wedding day, I was as joyful as could be to marry T and join his family who I adore, each and every one. I was also ecstatic that my son was there and chose to "give me away" with the Justice of the Peace who was asked not to mention the word God, but who slipped it in there anyway! It was especially safe, warm and friendly to have just 8 of us celebrating that day together ...

But that's not the point of this post.

Yesterday while T and I were hanging family pictures on our bedroom wall I came across this picture which pretty much depicts how I feel on the official 7th month anniversary of In and Out of Confidence, today this August first.

I thought I would celebrate by summarizing "how I am ... really." Not only is it 7 months since I started blogging, it is also just a little over seven months since we moved from Buffalo to Philadelphia. After living in Zimbabwe for 19 years, Israel for 19 and Buffalo for 17 this move turned out to be a major transition once again. Arriving in Philadelphia unemployed in a rented apartment having left friends and a first ever house I had owned, I was pretty sore indeed. Sore as in pain and sore as in angry! I felt like I had been shoved into a cave inside of Chestnut Hill and for awhile I sat around licking my wounds, howling at the moon and crying into my beer.

So, now, as I start a new era: How am I ... really?

1. Excited. Yes indeed. I am truly looking forward to starting work again. Specifically, teaching teachers of young children and collaborating with academic colleagues. And very much looking forward to writing my next book guided once again by Danny's expertise and excellent editorial skills.
2. Resolved. Some emotional issues that I had been working on for a number of years with Bob-the-therapist seem to have come together for me these past months and I am on my way to resolving them.
3. Less fearful. In fact I changed the subtitle of my blog from Fear the Final Frontier to A Pause for Reflection. This was a major change for me and transformed my relationships with a number of significant people in my life.
4. Recovery and acceptance. I feel healed. And although my body creaks and squeaks a lot more, I enjoy becoming older. What a discovery! I have fewer regrets and am compassionate with myself - am more able to forgive my transgressions.
5. No longer a novice blogger. Am starting to get the hang of it! Oh, and I enjoy it so much. The blog has become my buddy. A place I can turn to share my joys and sorrows. A safe space where I give myself permission to express how I feel and who I am without fear. The blog has become my teacher. I learn how to hone those writing skills. I gather information from other bloggers: they make me think, weep, laugh out loud, and often I feel like Jean described recently in a comment here: "Reading [all] your blog [s] reminds me sometimes of very effective group-work, sitting in a circle as someone speaks from the heart so that we all feel for her, and for ourselves in the place where we are touched." The blog has pulled the world close around me. I have always felt somewhat of a citizen of the world but out here in blog-o-sphere with all of you I feel significantly more connected globally.
6. Grateful. For friendships in and out of the blog. For the support and encouragement I have received as I struggled with myself these past months. As alone as I have been, somehow I have not felt lonely.
7. Less naive. In and out of confidence I will go, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

Some days I will feel like the picture above and some ... well ...

Comments

[Mark]

Good for you, Tamar! And good for all of us who get to share your journey through your blog!

Mark

[Mark]

PS: I've been doing my blog for three years now and I still don't think I've quite "got the hang of it." So, you're light years ahead of me!

[Leanne]

What an exciting internal trip you have had in the past 7 months. Good for you. And see you soon.

[Natalie]

Congratulations, dear Tamar, your presence in blogland is strong, gentle and fresh - the word zephyr comes to mind.
Lovely wedding photo.

[fp]

Thanks for the personal blogging-status report Tamar. And I liked your wedding photo very much. I see that Natalie has posted a comment above. I think it's interesting how our communities form, how we find each other here in blog-land, how we gather, what we share.

[Tamar]

Mark, I said I *think* I'm getting the hang of it. So much for me to learn still! Thanks so much for your constant encouragement.

Leanne, can't wait to see you really soon and find out all about Taiwan, family, conferences - everything!

Natalie, I am very touched by your comments. I don't think I have ever been compared to a "zephyr" before. What a feeling! I can't wait to read our interview and see your illustrations. How exciting this all is.

fp, for me it is mind blasting how we all inter connect and form these blogging communities. Probably a bit like a dream come true really. Of course I'd like to use it as a pocket of light to drive away forces of repression and darkness as well but haven't worked out that one yet, except for the writing, sharing, awareness ...

Am pleased you and Natalie like my wedding photo. That made me smile.

BTW, I just loved your "remind me of Helium" today. I am linking to it here:
http://sandhill.typepad.com/sandhill_trek/2005/08/poor_fred.html

[Natalie]

Frank, hi! Haven't been in touch since the collapse of Bloggers Parliament. Glad to run into you here. Yes, it is amazing how the blogging community is seeded, coalesces into units, grows new shoots - all effortlessly, organically. A whole new eco-system.

Tamar, see you later.

[Mdbell79]

Great photo, Tamar, and great sentiment expressed throughout. It's interesting to see something that you couldn't possibly have done two or three years ago (A world without blogs... the terror...) ends up being such an important part of your life.

Who knew diaries and journals were more fun when they weren't secrets, kept under lock and key?

Keep up the good work!

[Tamar]

Matt,
Oh I know it! Imagine a world without blogs? I can't, I won't ... no, no, never again!