I googled that expression today. A has been. A status that connotes failure. One of the entries was a piece about William Shatner who, it seems, said that "better a has been than a never been," and "after a has been ... might again."
Now then. Why on earth would I be looking up such an expression? Who would? Who has the time for such delvings and dippings?
Out of confidence or reality check?
Am I a has been?
And what does that mean for me?
I have been:
A university child care center director, preschool kindergarten teacher, presenter, author, adjunct instructor, without degrees, with degrees, Rhodesian, Israeli, to different countries, single, married, divorced, lonely, safe, grieving, empty, unhappy, joyous, rejected, accepted, loved, unloved, hated, despised, angry, willing, unwilling, able to say yes, unable to say no, pregnant, ill, healthy, thin, fat, emotionally deprived, fulfilled, plump, ballet dancer, young, sexy, vivacious, tired, weary, unemployed, work-a-holic, a child, a girl, in therapy, out of therapy, a therapist, board member, committee chair, compassionate, cold, hot, unkind, truthful, not so truthful, spiritual, soulful, singer, tennis player, breast feeder, dog lover, cat woman, maid of honor, good and evil, Jewish, Unitarian, atheist, enlightened, in the dark ... in the dark ... in the dark ...
I know, I know. I feel anonymous, as if the past is wiped out and am starting from scratch. It is lonely and tiring. I feel oh, so weary, and worthless. Over and over again I hear me ... or is it me? ... saying in my brain, over my left shoulder, in the car as I drive and drive, walking into classrooms, meetings, around the town, whispering, shouting, yowling, howling:
What's it all about?
Have been listening to Geneen Roth and thinking about emotional deprivation. Is she talking to me, about me? I want time and space to unpack the concept of emotional deprivation but I know that hurts so much ... thinking about the past, childhood stuff again.
Am struggling to keep on keepin' on.
I ask myself:
As a has been ... might I again?
I could really do with some of Nelly's pancakes and home-made fresh rasberry sauce ...
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