A has been

I googled that expression today. A has been. A status that connotes failure. One of the entries was a piece about William Shatner who, it seems, said that "better a has been than a never been," and "after a has been ... might again."

Now then. Why on earth would I be looking up such an expression? Who would? Who has the time for such delvings and dippings?

Out of confidence or reality check?

Am I a has been?

And what does that mean for me?

I have been:

A university child care center director, preschool kindergarten teacher, presenter, author, adjunct instructor, without degrees, with degrees, Rhodesian, Israeli, to different countries, single, married, divorced, lonely, safe, grieving, empty, unhappy, joyous, rejected, accepted, loved, unloved, hated, despised, angry, willing, unwilling, able to say yes, unable to say no, pregnant, ill, healthy, thin, fat, emotionally deprived, fulfilled, plump, ballet dancer, young, sexy, vivacious, tired, weary, unemployed, work-a-holic, a child, a girl, in therapy, out of therapy, a therapist, board member, committee chair, compassionate, cold, hot, unkind, truthful, not so truthful, spiritual, soulful, singer, tennis player, breast feeder, dog lover, cat woman, maid of honor, good and evil, Jewish, Unitarian, atheist, enlightened, in the dark ... in the dark ... in the dark ...

I know, I know. I feel anonymous, as if the past is wiped out and am starting from scratch. It is lonely and tiring. I feel oh, so weary, and worthless. Over and over again I hear me ... or is it me? ... saying in my brain, over my left shoulder, in the car as I drive and drive, walking into classrooms, meetings, around the town, whispering, shouting, yowling, howling:

What's it all about?

Have been listening to Geneen Roth and thinking about emotional deprivation. Is she talking to me, about me? I want time and space to unpack the concept of emotional deprivation but I know that hurts so much ... thinking about the past, childhood stuff again.

Am struggling to keep on keepin' on.

I ask myself:

As a has been ... might I again?

I could really do with some of Nelly's pancakes and home-made fresh rasberry sauce ...

Comments

[Mark Daniels]

Tamar: I've experienced some of these same feelings. But, to paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can label you a has-been without your consent. As long as we have life, there are possibilities and I sense that you're teeming with them!

Blessings!
Mark

[Joel]

I hate comments like Shatner's. Just another symptom of our age: you are either narcisstic or anti-narcissistic.

Worrying about whether I have measured up to my potential is one of the things which has crippled me and continues to cripple me. Who wants to be a failure, particularly if the bar keeps getting raised?

[Joel]

Mark: Some of us have had our labels nailed to us by repetitions. Consent? Not always. People can just wear you down.

Tamarika: it hurts. Don't give up.

[Mary Godwin]

I am so surprised, Tamar, to read these ideas from you - not surprised by the being human feelings you may be living through right now (we're all in and out of confidence from time to time, and the big ball keeps on turning) but surprised by the "verb" in your question ... a "has been"? As I read your journey, grow vicariously through your learning, and find encouragement to continue along my own path in the words you find time to write, I find you to be always and every day an "IS" for me. I can respect the feelings that may be prompting the quesiton, but are you a "have been"? For those of us who know you (only) here, I don't see how you could be anything less than a presence ... an "is" ... a wonderfully celebratious (my new word for the day) and reliably recurrent NOW found in the present tense "is"! And oh, yeah, lucky me.

Can I come with for Nellie time? -mg

[Winston]

A few random thoughts on this:
1. I've heard those words for a long time and never heard them attributed to Shatner. They are intended to be humorous; I believe there are some truths in both of those.
2. "Is" or "has been" or "might be" are all states of mind. It really makes no difference what other people think or say - it's how we see ourselves and live our lives that makes us who we are (i.e. - if you think you're finished, you are probably finished). Validation is nice, warm, and fuzzy - but not necessary for you to be whole and complete.
3. If you have ever been a difference in one person's life, ever contributed to one child's growth, then you are NOT worthless. You have value. That child or person remembers you and what you taught, gave, shared - they may not even remember your name, but they remember you.
4. Your readership here includes a wide range of people with varying backgrounds, education levels, interests, etc. But it seems they all have several things in common: A higher than average intelligence, an incredible depth of sensitivity and caring, and an uncanny ability to separate the chaff from the wheat, the fluff from the real and meaningful substance. AND most important to this conversation, they keep coming back, even if you are away for a few days, seeking your words, your warmth, your wisdom, your vision.

"Has been?" I don't think so. More like "still being."

[Tamar]

Yes, I agree with all of you here and find your comments so supportive as to lift me right out of darkness and into dawning light! What a roller coaster ride. I especially appreciate that you all seem to know how I feel - that you've been there yourselves. Yes, Mary, you are so welcome to share in Nellie time with me. We all deserve some Nellie time now and again, I think.

A has been, might again, is being - are all mind-sets - absolutely, and at the same time, Joel has a point that people can wear one down!

What I love about your comment, Winston, like Mary, Joel and Mark too - It makes me feel an obligation to get right back up and live as an "is being" again.

[Melinama]

I know this is not really your point - but I don't think Shatner has ever done such good work as he is doing now on "Boston Legal." It's magnificent. No has been. He's BEING right now!

[Gemma Grace]

This comment is a little late in coming but I wanted to add... What I love about you Tamar is that you are so alive! I love that you paint with all your colours!

[Tamar]

Melinama: Thanks for the tip about Boston Legal. I haven't seen it!

Gemma: Thank you.