A pause for reflection

And so, to summarize:

These past eight months or so I have been exploring the nature of my self-worth as it dances between lows and highs moving "in and out of confidence." Especially as leaving Buffalo, my home, job and friends caused me fear and the lowest self esteem I have felt in many years because, once more, as so many times in my life, I became anonymous.

I found that earliest childhood memories affect feelings of self-worth. The kindness of strangers, surrogate mothers and chosen "angels" influenced and supported me. Education and knowledge certainly strengthened my sense of self. As I acquired degrees and learned to ask important questions, I discovered inner resources of strength and understanding. The type of profession I chose affected confidence levels. Early childhood is certainly perceived by society as the lowest on the totem pole of education even as it is one of the most crucial times of human development. After all 80% of the human brain develops by age 5 and earliest emotional memories can never be erased. And yet, early childhood professionals are mostly regarded as "just baby sitters" and paid the lowest salaries possible. Society's way of showing what is meaningful and important - monetary compensation. That could not have been good for my self-esteem! Guilt and shame have been huge factors in affecting how I feel about myself, and believing what others think of me, especially family members. Learning not to take things personally helps me feel in-confidence more and more. I have explored how it feels to grow older. It has been amazing for me these past months, to realize that being sexually attractive had influenced feelings of self-worth when I was younger. What a relief to know that is not important for me any longer! Finding my voice has been my biggest asset whether it was through making presentations, teaching, writing, publishing a book and, certainly, through this blog lately. Not just the writing of it, although that is satisfying in itself. Indeed, the fact that people sometimes find it interesting and useful to read helps my voice grow stronger. Working - making a contribution to society - is important for my sense of self. The "forced" sabbatical took its toll on me. I had to work hard to feel worthwhile even as I hunkered down in my "cave" and gazed deeply into my own navel! Am still not sure about that one. Am not sure I will ever feel worthwhile if I am not "out there" in some form contributing, serving, shaping or influencing others, helping, and sharing. That's a really, really tough one.

I have realized that it is a constant struggle. Some days I feel strong, in-confidence, and can see clearly that how this or that person thinks of me depends entirely on who they are and what they are going through or feeling about themselves at that moment. Rarely does it have anything to do with who I am. Other days I want to curl up in a ball and hide out until I can find something good about myself. On those days everything seems dark and unmanageable.

Since starting this blog eight months ago I am starting to experience longer in-confidence periods especially since I am becoming more known in my new digs: by neighbors, one or two new acquaintances and through recognition by some colleagues at work. I think I want to work on not needing acknowledgment as much and certainly would like to strengthen the not-taking-it-personally area some more. Oh, and yes, there is more work to do in the shame and guilt arena, that's for sure!

As for family members, oh well! They will be there forever - deep within my inner child and out there in the reality of here and now. They will always be a part of me whether I see or spend time with them or not. Some of the parts are good, solid and strong, and others are shaky and strange. That's just how it goes.

Comments

[Winston]

Beautifully stated, Tamar. It sounds as if you are just about like the rest of us. That is neither good nor bad, just the way it is.

One point to consider: It may not be so much learning to need the acknowledgement of others less, but coming to the recognition of our wholeness without them. When we are truly OK within our selves, complete as individuals (didn't say perfect) then the endorsement of others becomes an ehhancement, icing on the cake if you will. But if our self worth is based on others, then it is a fickle and fragile existence.

[Fran]

Long ago in therapy i explored expectations and disappointments ad nauseum. I mostly have that part of my life under control--but it is family that can sure push our buttons sometimes. I like what Winston said very much.

[Tamar]

Yes, Fran, I like what Winston said too! And I agree with you that family members can still push my buttons.

That feeling okay within myself - that wholeness, is probably what I have been defining as "in and out of confidence," Winston. Have been reading more Geneen Roth and I love how she says: "Hemingway says that the world breaks everyone and some of us are strong in the broken places. The purpose of healing is to be strong in the broken places." And she also writes, "It's not the wound that determines the quality of your life, it's what you do with the wound - how you hold it, carry it, dance with it, or bury yourself under it."

[Winston]

Sounds right. Somebody said something like: It's not the falling down but the getting up that defines our strength and character.