I'm-on-your-sideness

It has been such an interesting week for me. Just as I am feeling challenged in my work as an early childhood teacher educator, and wondering where and how to go from where I am emotionally and professionally ... coincidentally, I received two e-mails.

One was from a new reader (new to me) of my blog:

I'm a parent of a 2-year old boy & would love to read any books you may have written, essays, articles, speeches - EVERYTHING you have ever said on the topic of early childhood... There are so few approaches to early childhood that has basic kindness as a point of departure. I call it  "I'm-on-your-sideness" and sometimes that translates into "even-if-I don't understand-you-now-I'll-never-ever-stop-trying-to".

The other e-mail letter was from an old friend who had taught in my Center years ago:

It's hard to be a parent, knowing what I have learned about young children, and then seeing the general lack of creativity in the preschool curriculum. (Actually, when I had enrolled E. last spring, there was a different, wonderful, totally appropriate teacher in charge, and then she got pregnant and a really nice, much less appropriate woman took her place) And, there is a Handwriting Curriculum!!!!!  For four-year-olds.  It's really been a challenge for me to see some of the children struggling to learn how to write their names "correctly," and how each letter Must Be Formed.  I am going to schedule a conference with E's teacher to see what the whole thing is about and to share some of my concerns, but I'm not very optimistic. To be fair, maybe the teacher is getting pressure from The Powers That Be to do this sort of thing, but I just have to share my worries with her.  I can't believe that I am beginning to battle with the educational system and my child hasn't been in school for six weeks.  It's discouraging. I don't know how you have done what you have for so long--it's like running through waist-deep mud!

Driving along to work, back and forth in the pouring rain this week, surrounded by masses of traffic and listening to Shalom Chanoch like an old friend from far away, I thought about these letters I had received. It occurred to me that as a child growing up the parenting styles that swaddled me were far from kind. Indeed, I do not recall feeling an "I'm-on-your-sideness" that was described in the first e-mail. Except, perhaps, from my father. He did not live with me but I did see him almost bi-weekly. He was in his sixties by the time I was five years old, gentle, soft spoken, and expressed delight at my achievements. My father related to my intellectual ability. When I entered High School he sent me a Cassell's Compact French-English English-French dictionary, which I have kept to this day. My older siblings were not around me much. My oldest sister left home by the time I was six or seven and the second oldest sister was mostly at boarding school and then away to Europe as soon as she was able. My brother left for college when I was twelve. My mother adored him. Indeed, she gave me a framed photograph of him as a special gift for me when we returned from the airport after he had departed Rhodesia for college in England at age 18. And so, in order to gain a glimmer of acknowledgment and respect from my mother, I learned that my brother was a very important person - one to be noticed and listened to. I would say that I experienced significant parenting models from my mother, step-father and older brother.

Their styles were similar. They used criticism, sarcasm, teasing, name-calling, threatening, ostracizing, and labeling. Anything from laughing at my developing beliefs, ideas and emotions to sneering at what I was doing and how I looked. Both the significant men in my life as I grew up (step-father and brother) were also those from whom I longed for acknowledgment the most. They were both sarcastic and teased me mercilessly.

I mused as I drove, "Where and how on earth did I learn that basic kindness and I'm-on-your-sideness is a point of departure for early childhood?" I certainly do not practice it on myself. Instead, right up until today, I struggle with reproaching myself scathingly for everything I do, feel, accomplish and certainly for how I look. As I look back I shudder at the thought that I might have treated others, including my own son, like that. And yet, somewhere deep inside me I know intuitively and solidly that basic kindness is, most certainly, a point of departure for early childhood.

Where oh where did it come from? Where did I learn to hold tightly onto the kindness of strangers? How did I know intuitively to learn from them over and over again? Strangers were always being kind to me: mothers of playmates, school or college teachers over the years, the nuns at the Mater Dei Hospital back in Bulawayo, Habonim friends and youth leaders, therapists, friends ... the list is endless ... the qualities always the same: listening, accepting, validating my emotional experience, giving of time for me, telling or showing me love in concrete ways, believing me, giving me permission to express sorrow and anger, allowing and delighting in me just being me.

Many people choose to replicate parenting models even when they are abusive and some decide not to. I chose to reach out and cling onto the hopeful, kind interactions of strangers and mentors. I don't know why or how I did that. Just some kind of strength that I developed (or had in me?).

Yes, M, "I'm-on-your-sideness" is crucial for helping young children develop those kinds of emotional memories that will create kind and humane adults, as well as strengthen their self-confidence. I know it from deep inside my soul. Dearest A, it is like running through waist-deep mud- it is, it is! But what if all those strangers and mentors had not reached out their hands, souls, smiles, lives to me? I would have been so alone, lost and abandoned. Who knows where I might have landed up?

Again, M and A: the kindness of strangers, two people reaching out to me sharing their light for my current struggle - once again. How thankful I am to them both for writing to me and sharing their thoughts and support. So much to think about, organize and focus on as I try to return to writing my book about adults' emotional reactions to children's expression of feelings. Reminding me about the important work I do with teachers of young children as I try to instill in them the importance of basic kindness and I'm-on-your-sideness as the point of departure for early childhood.

Talking of kindness:

Isn't this Buddha a most beautiful representation of compassion?

I found him at PureLandMountain.

There ... the kindness of strangers ...

Comments

[Richard Lawrence Cohen]

Beautiful post, Tamar. I identify with many of your childhoood experiences. Your reader's concept of "on-your-sideness" is a perfect way of phrasing what's needed.

[Tamar]

Thank you, Richard.

[ainelivia]

I have printed this post, because scanning what you have written, I really want to savour the words and ideas slowly. So much I can relate too, so me and my large size print are off to bed. See you later Tamar.

[Tamar]

I love the image of you and your large size print "off to bed," ainelivia!