Yes indeed. That was my maiden name. This week, for some reason, all my students wanted to know what was my maiden name. They also asked if I changed my name every time I married. I think they find it quaint or something to actually know someone who has been married as many times as I have. My names became a subject for discussion. I shared in detail the meaning of each one and why and where and such. First Bub, then Barkan (husband # 1), Meir, then Meyer (husband # 2) and, finally ... Jacobson. I left out the third husband. No name change there and way too much hurt to share with anyone. When I turned to face them, my students were staring at the blackboard. Some looked amazed and others had tiny smiles twinkling into their cheeks.
As I read Huw's Weblog this morning, I thought about my names and how they formed my identity throughout my life. Ah, identity. Now there's a word for free-association. Identity ... self-identity ... Eve Ensler and The Good Body ... I must say that the part that moved me the most at Ensler's performance was during a section of the monologue where her words were whirling, jabbing, stabbing, amusing, exhilarating, exhausting ... and suddenly, almost by the way, the horrific story of how she was sexually abused by her father, tumbled out. She stood firm and strong on the stage, facing the audience fair and square, and her truth tumbled out ... and rolled straight, directly, deeply into my guts.
The Truth Will Set You Free, writes Alice Miller about adults having the courage to admit, face and testify about their childhood abuses. Geneen Roth also writes about the abuse she suffered as a child. She says:
If a child is wounded, abused, violated, the best she can do is figure out how to thread herself among the wounds, abuse, violations - and survive despite them.
As Roth was writing her book, When Food is Love, her step-father asked her not to describe the abuse she had suffered as it would shame her mother. Geneen replied:
"I'm not writing for the purpose of shaming her, Dick. I'm writing because I want to heal myself and get on with my life, and because I want other people to know that they can do the same."
I have been thinking about this stuff for over a year now. It is not a coincidence. I realize that my own book: Confronting Our Discomfort: Clearing the Way for Anti-Bias in Early Childhood was, in fact, my stand for me. Yes, I would go so far as to call it a courageous stand to set myself free. It has not been an easy time for me since my book was published. "I, too, want to heal myself and get on with my life, and want other people to know they can do the same."
I watch Eve Ensler on stage, in public, telling her story, even as she shows others that they can do the same. I read Geneen Roth's explanation of why she writes about her childhood abuse. I return full circle to my own developing self-identity, names, maiden name ... the little Tamar Israel. Eve Ensler, Alice Miller, Geneen Roth, give me permission to tell my truth. I become grateful and humbled. I feel my back straightening and hold my head up high.
As we leave the theatre, I cry and tell T. how moved I am by Eve Ensler telling her story publically like that. I look up at him through salt watery eyes. "I did that too, you know," I say. T. says I should be proud of myself. "No more shame and guilt about it," he says.
I am in good company!
The students asked me if I ever thought of going back to my maiden name. "No," I replied. "Tamar Israel was such a long time ago. I feel so different now." "Besides," I thought quietly to myself, "Tamar Israel was so wounded and frightened back then."
Four husbands, Tamar? You're my idol.
Maybe that's why I've resisted getting married as the years and boyfriends went by. I don't want to be anyone else. I don't want another identity.
Posted by: nappy40 | October 21, 2005 at 03:14 PM
Yeah, I can understand the fear of losing one's identity, Nappy 40. Nothing to admire in all this marrying I've done. It has been a long, painful struggle realizing that I keep on taking *me* into each relationship. These last eleven years with T. have been an education in learning to be together and at the same time supportive of each person's individuality. I think we're doing pretty well considering we are both "walking wounded."
Posted by: Tamar | October 21, 2005 at 05:33 PM
Whats this about "walking wounded"?
I've always thought about you as "skipping joyfull" or "flying creative".
Your CV certainly looks like "skipping joyfull" and your writing looks like "soaring playfull".
(Hope this comment doesn't make you "Hopping mad").
Posted by: Huw | October 21, 2005 at 06:01 PM
Hey Huw! I love your comment. It makes me hop, skip and playful. It helps me soar creatively. And I become madly joyous. Old wounds only hurt when it rains - sometimes. Thanks for the ride!
Posted by: Tamar | October 21, 2005 at 09:37 PM
I think there's something to admire. You were able to brush it off and try again. You were open to love a second and third time when most people become jaded and pessimistic.
I see optimism and resilience in four trips down the aisle. I'm afraid of just one! You're my idol!
Posted by: nappy40 | October 22, 2005 at 04:46 PM
"Optimism and resilience." I like the sound of that, Nappy 40. I like it a lot. I shall keep those words close to my brain and heart. They seem to make me grow stronger by the minute. Thank you so much.
Posted by: Tamar | October 23, 2005 at 06:22 AM
You're very welcome.
Posted by: nappy40 | October 23, 2005 at 11:36 AM
When I first glanced at the title of the post, my immediate thought was, wow, Tamar's a beauty queen; and that you hadn't put that on your list of things you are. Ah that is your maiden name.
Four husbands, that takes a lot faith and hope in yourself and in life, and hard work.
Posted by: ainelivia | October 31, 2005 at 10:24 AM