I long to be like all those people who have fun. They take things in their stride, laugh and play and enjoy everything they do. Or do they?
I, on the other hand, take everything very seriously. I really do not know how to just have fun. My anxiety makes me intense, worried, concerned, watchful, on my guard, hyper vigilant and in control. If I drink too much wine invariably I become weepy and deeply sad.
Of course I have had some fun in my life in ways that I really just allowed myself to relax and enjoy the moment. For example when a group of eight staff people schlepped me grunting and groaning to Disneyland in Anaheim and forced me to go on rides. I wandered around aghast and amazed, especially at Toon Town and Goofy and I laughed aloud and uncontrollably on the Star Wars ride.
Then there was the time when, again, my staff encouraged me to have a special mineral bath and massage at Saratoga Springs. What an experience! The massage was so deep and powerful I really wanted to flatten my body into the table and just sob with relief ... but there! See? Sobbing again. Intensity and sadness - serious again!
On Saturday we went to the Longwood Gardens to see the Christmas display. We walked around the beautiful plants, exquisite exhibits, and aesthetically lit-up trees in the evening light. I found I had a huge smile fixed to my face and a feeling of joy in my heart that knew no bounds. I had fun there.
Being playful has always been difficult for me. I manage to fool around with children but even then I am watchful at myself, constantly concerned about ethics, professional practice and my guard is way up.
I have been trying to think of times when I feel most relaxed and playful and have come up with:
Singing while I play the piano; gardening; potting plants; reading a really good book; watching a movie eating popcorn and twizzlers; sitting, staring at the sea.
Are these times only when I am mostly alone? In that case, what happens when people join me? Is it the automatic urge I have to please people that weighs me down? The fear that they might ask me, "What would you like to do?" and then I will have no idea because I need to know what they want to do first? Is it that when things are fun and relaxed, sadness suddenly wells up from unknown places in my brain as if lying in wait to attack those tender, joyful moments?
What a bore I must be!
Or am I a bore ... just for me?
Update:
How synergy ... Just in from Oprah's Mission Calendar Inspiration:
I gave myself up so completely to present desires and pleasures that I had no energy to waste on mere wishful thinking. Simone de Beauvoir
Not a bore, just an introvert, and therefore automatically out of place in society. I speak from experience. I too get great joy from esthetic experiences and from nature but have a hard time playing. Thanks for another good soul-search, Tamar.
Posted by: Richard Lawrence Cohen | December 07, 2005 at 11:49 AM
I, too, speak from experience. Never equate quietness, sensitivity, intensity or even solitude with boredom. To some, perhaps, but certainly not to all or even most. There are, as RLC suggests above, many kinds of personalities—all, I think, interesting in their own ways.
Having said that, I know that I have (over years) learned a lot about loosening up and "just playing." Laughter is good for the soul. I look for it, now.
Posted by: moose | December 07, 2005 at 12:38 PM
boy... Longwood Gardens. We wandered around there several years ago and I was just blown away by the topiary. Anybody who enjoys reading a good book knows how to have fun.
Posted by: fp | December 07, 2005 at 11:09 PM
Oh yes, I recognise a lot of this Tamar. I do agree with Richard and moose.
"I have been trying to think of times when I feel most relaxed and playful and have come up with:
Singing while I play the piano; gardening; potting plants; reading a really good book; watching a movie eating popcorn and twizzlers; sitting, staring at the sea."
I would say, and I say from my own experience, that being alone is the time when I can be creative, and that is time for me. Sounds that you, like I, were given the role of "caretaker" in your family, make sure everyone else is ok, then you can do what you need.
I wonder if you see this part of you as "being an error in you personality". There is a very good quote over at Keri Smith's- Wish Jar Journal website.
"Honour Thy Error As Intention". I have printed it out and pinned it up where I can see it and pasted it in my Journal.
Posted by: ainelivia | December 08, 2005 at 05:39 AM
I mis-quoted, I wonder what that error means.
It's on www.kerismith.com in the November archives.
The quote reads:
"Honour Thy Error As A Hidden Intention." Brian Eno & Peter Schmidt (Oblique Strategies)
Posted by: ainelivia | December 08, 2005 at 05:44 AM
Others, especially RLC, have already voiced the thoughts I brought to this. I am not "playful", but I can be tons of fun for myself and to others. And it is not that we have multi-personalities, but it is interesting that different people we associate with somehow bring out different facets of our personality. So let's blame it on them! Also love ainelivia's quote "Honour Thy Error As A Hidden Intention." That is wonderful...
Posted by: Winston | December 08, 2005 at 07:48 AM
Moose,
I think I do laugh a lot more heartily than before, come to think of it!
Richard, You have *our* number. And not just yours and mine by the sounds of it: ainelivia, Moose and Winston too.
"Honour Thy Error as a Hidden Intention." Works for me!
Posted by: Tamar | December 08, 2005 at 08:18 AM
Excellent post, Tamar. I once made a list of the times in my life when I felt most myself, happiest "dans ma peau" - in my own skin. And they were all playful times, uninhibited times. But I know what you're saying about the sadness too. Somehow it's always there under the joy, non-specific. I call it cosmic sadness.
Posted by: Natalie | December 08, 2005 at 02:38 PM
Cosmic sadness. Wow! Far out!
fp - imagine topiary combined with aesthetic Christmas decorations. Fabulous!
Posted by: Tamar | December 10, 2005 at 06:31 AM