May I borrow a culture? (Update II)

Over the weekend I had a phone conversation with my son that got me thinking. Would I be celebrating Christmas if I was living alone? Do I celebrate the holidays of the country I am residing in just because it is the dominant culture - the thing to do - to feel belonging? Do I celebrate what is important to please the people I am emotionally involved with - like my child or husband or family of origin?

It seems wherever I find myself, family, community, city, state, or country, I sink into the culture, take on the norms, rituals, customs, language, and become one with the people around me. When I was in High School the then town Rabbi insisted that all the Jewish children be taken out of assemblies and have their own. That way we would avoid singing Christian hymns or saying prayers and such. I hated that! And rebelled by staying in assembly and singing along with everyone else in school. I never told anyone and no one at home ever asked. Growing up my family did not practice Judaism, not really. As much as I can remember, no one lit Shabat candles or went to synagogue except for weddings and funerals. As a teenager I joined Habonim and was curious and amazed to find my friends doing Judaism the right way: going to synagogue, fasting on Yom Kippur, lighting Sabbath candles, singing Ma Nishtanah ... when I participated with them I always felt a bit like a foreigner borrowing a culture.

After I had my son, living in Israel I decided to adhere to all the holidays for his sake. I celebrated all the Jewish holidays in a secular way and lit candles every Friday night. Once again, I felt a bit like a foreigner borrowing a culture.

Coming to America thrust me back into the diaspora and, specifically, the dominant Christian culture. Shimon wrote to me the other day as we played Scrabble, just before I started losing. He described feeling catatonic at this time of the year. When I replied that I am so confused lately, sometimes not knowing what I feel or believe, he wrote back, "Do whatever you like! At our age who cares?"

After Charlie died I joined the Unitarian Universalist Church. I had been a member during the first few years of my arrival in the United States, and left because it felt too much like an institution. Thinking that perhaps I needed some type of spiritual support to help me process my grief at Charlie's death, I returned to the UU Church. After awhile it felt too much like an institution again. Somehow, whenever I join up with some religious institution, I find that self righteousness seems to get in the way of the spiritual gathering together. While visiting Buffalo in the spring of this year I sat with a friend and chanted together. She has become Buddhist and feeling joyful with her faith wanted to share it with me. Now, I practice yoga and deep prana meditations and sometimes after my practice I chant on my own. So, I am used to this. However, somehow chanting together and being forced to gaze wonderingly up into the altar created for this practice made me exceedingly uncomfortable. I looked up self-righteous in the Merriam-Webster and it was defined: "convinced of one's own righteousness especially in contrast with the actions and beliefs of others." 

That is precisely what gets my goat! Each one seems convinced of their own righteousness ...

I love to wander in and out of different cultures, celebrating various holidays, coming to know how people around me think, feel, or believe. I sit back and observe as friends or family members urge me to take on their specific faith and assure me of eternal redemption and infinite peace in some Heaven somewhere. Now tell me, whose would I choose?

Imagine there is no heaven. It's easy if you try.

But let's celebrate anyway! Let's bring on the Light in the dark cold winter through candles, oil lamps and menorahs of every shape, size and description, doughnuts and clementines, good will, soft gentle trees, stars, gifts, good food, incense, giving and singing, choraling and cherubim, snow and sunshine. As I trim our tree, Shalom Chanoch and Shlomo Artzi are warbling away on the CD player. My collection of Buddhas are gathered, sitting on shelves and side tables, a large, wooden, joyous fellow that T brought me from one of his trips to China smiles widely near the doorway. Candles and incense warmly glowing. All are welcome and included in my own personal Festival of Light.

Of course I am aware that some of you might be clucking your tongues and shaking your heads with frustration at me. I think I hear you say, "Poor girl. So confused. So troubled. Such a wandering, lost soul. Always searching for a home, longing to belong and yet choosing to stay on the outside looking in." 

Or is that me saying that to me? Hm ... I cannot tell where I begin and you end.

And so, my son. I present to you: a bouquet of me:  A mixture of feelings and thoughts. Confused and searching, wandering and joining, now and again here and sometimes there. I am so sorry if I have confused you along the way. I cannot imagine what it might be like to be my child. Oy vey! I remember how angry you were that time I put a dreidel in your Christmas stocking. You were right to be mad at me!

It's just that Jesus, Buddha, Moses, Muhammad, Krishna ... for me, represent all of us ... and I do, so love to celebrate and be joyous about our collective humanity, here and now, wherever I am and with whoever wants to join in.

Update:

In an e-mail conversation with Shimon and I, my son replies:

I read the blog. It was very moving. All that searching and wondering. I value Mom's tolerance and interest in a variety of rituals, customs, traditions and beliefs. To me those are acts of community because they are usually shared among several people. They may also be a vestige, a changing form, from a time when communities were more strongly held together by religion and religious ritual. What links people together today?

He just has a way of summing things up. Many years ago he described acceptance as:

You do what you can and the rest is magic.

The magic for me is that he called up yesterday and is coming in time for Christmas and Hannukah, after all! The trumpets are sounding. The mother is overjoyed.

Update II:

Hm ... at savtadotty there are some yummy sufganiot ... OY! AH! ... the memories ...

Comments

[Richard Lawrence Cohen]

Have you tried the Quakers? You're living in their heartland, and given your experience with the UU, I think you might warm to the Friends more fully. I've been to many Quaker meetings in Madison and Austin, though I never joined.

[Gemma Grace]

"I do, so love to celebrate and be joyous about our collective humanity, here and now, wherever I am and with whoever wants to join in." Ah, Tamarika, in my eyes, you have arrived! Blessings of Joy, dear one.

[Danny]

"Poor girl. So confused. So troubled. Such a wandering, lost soul. Always searching for a home, longing to belong and yet choosing to stay on the outside looking in."

Ha, that is great! Especially the part where you realize that this is mostly an internal battle you're having with yourself. I've noticed that most of the judgments I assume others are making about me are really judgments/guilt trips that are swirling around my own head.

On the other hand, I've certainly been guilty of smugly assigning some of my own spirituality to your belief system. Sorry about that--and I'm up for your non-denominational Festival of Light!

[savtadotty]

You've put your finger on the one thing I love to hate: self-righteousness! It comes in so many packages, but the bottom line is that they all shut out real dialogue. Happy Holidays!

[Mary]

I'm with you 100%! Though I don't have a Jewish background and would throw in paganism to the mix, this post describes my feelings on spiritual beliefs. Thank you for putting it all it into such a beautiful post.

[Winston]

Tamar, I had a nice long comment here...turned my head and hit a wrong key...and, POOF...gone into cyberspace. If you find it floating around in your comment bin, email it to me so I can finish it and try reposting...

[Ronni Bennett]

Oh, Tamar - you don't need to buy into other people's beliefs about their beliefs. Most religions' ceremonies, rituals and rites are enjoyable and even salutory.

Christmas trees are beautiful; I have a lifetime collection of gorgeous ornaments and it pleases me to arrange them just so. Midnight mass at Catholic and Episcopal churches is as good as a Broadway musical.

Hanukkah candles are a lovely ceremony - a few moments of respite for eight nights in a hectic season.

Yoga is calming and centering, whatever else we believe - or don't believe - and regular meditation grounds us.

Ever been to a Greek wedding? Or Russian Orthodox Easter? As beautiful and uplifting as midnight Mass.

Baptisms and confirmations, brises, bar and bat mitzvahs celebrate the arrival of new life on earth. You don't need to believe in the religions to see the importance of marking that event.

And a few Buddhas around the house might keep the furies at bay.

Enjoy them all. Everybody needs a break from the mundane and belief is not a pre-requesite.

[MaryB]

Tamar - I've read this post three or four times in search of some wise way to respond to it. Well, I don't really have anything wise to say, except "Borrow away, Girl." It sounds to me that you fit EVERYwhere, not that you don't fit ANYwhere. Lap it all up!

[Gemma Grace]

I recently saw an exceptional film called "The Peace Tree" about three little girls who are best friends. Two sisters are Muslim and they want to celebrate Christmas and Eid with their Christian friend. I can still feel the joy of the little girls in my heart. Here is a link to info about the movie: http://www.sandalwoodproductions.com/peacetree/ (Click on the symbols hanging on the tree.)

[Jean]

Have a happy holiday with your lovely son, Tamar. Doesn't matter what you call it - all this stuff goes back to pagan Yule anyway xxxx