Maybe this will quell my anger

Yesterday morning I made myself a great fruit shake: apple, orange, banana, pear, blueberries, pine nuts, raspberries, dates, grapes, half a cup of soy milk and half a cup of freshly squeezed orange juice. All blended up into a smooth delicious shake. Usually a full glass of fruit shake like that fills me up for half a day. Yesterday, however, after half an hour I was ravenous! I prowled the kitchen moaning and rumbling, "Food, food, food," I muttered, "I need breakfast." T. suggested an omelet and turkey sausage, toast and tomato. "Yum," I replied licking my lips, beginning to salivate. Out came all the ingredients as my partner in life proceeded to prepare the meal. I wandered into the living room and as the pots and pans, plates and forks clattered and clanged I stood facing the large window looking out onto Fairmount Park, blooming forsythia and budding trees. "Hm ..." I murmured to myself, "Maybe this will quell my anger finally." I spun around surprised as if hearing a loud noise. "I mean ... hunger ... not anger ..." I said out loud. T. looked up quizzically from his cooking not quite understanding what was going on out there - in here.

What a slip of the tongue. I realized that my hunger had something to do with feeling angry. Well, well. I was not even aware of any anger at that moment and yet the words slipped out of my mouth smoothly, clearly, assuredly. Indeed, I had been feeling quite angry this week. A few things happening as they do in life, and always when I leave somewhere that I have become slightly attached to for whatever the reason I feel angry. Separation is not easy for me. Making a stand for myself is not comfortable either. I have been doing quite a bit of both lately.

In class last week I noticed that I was feeling uncomfortable and agitated. My tone was sharp and some of my comments to students harsh and sarcastic. Midway through the session I asked the students if they had noticed my anger. Some of them nodded their heads up and down vehemently, others said, "Yes!" emphatically. Even as I was feeling quite bewildered, I shared my reflective process out loud trying to understand what was happening to me, "I think because I was away all week it feels like I've lost you. I sense a need to bring you all back under my wing. Also, my leaving the college is affecting me. I think I am feeling angry because of all these things. If I have said anything to hurt any of you today, I am truly sorry." I sighed deeply and tension in the room eased. Some students smiled and seemed to shift in their seats to more comfortable positions. Yesterday I received an e-mail from one of them:

I really appreciate your honesty, your willingness to be vulnerable ... when you admitted last week that you were feeling angry ... and modeled for us how to find out why we are angry - that was awesome. That taught me so much. I think sometimes people think they are the only person who feels certain things. What you demonstrated showed all of us that you are human, you have feelings, you feel angry, hurt, etc. I think we need more professors, teachers, caregivers who are honest ...

What a teachable moment! Who would have thought? I certainly never planned that one. One of those spontaneous, unplanned, unintentional moments that worked.

It occurred to me that lately I am thinking a lot about anger, as consciously as it is happening to me unconsciously. It is no coincidence, for I have been conducting a survey about teachers and anger for the past six weeks - gathering data for a chapter in my next book where I am exploring how teachers' emotions affect their interactions with children especially when there are challenging behaviors. When I think, talk or write about teachers' emotions in general, anger becomes a large, a huge topic that deserves a chapter all on its own. That complex, necessary emotion we all experience from time to time - very few embrace feeling angry, most of us fear or hate it, do not know what to do with it, deny or ignore it, and some say they never feel it at all. So many women I know get headaches or cry when they are feeling angry, and heaven knows, I've just realized that I become hungry!

It seems to me that when children are angry, many teachers feel helpless, vulnerable, afraid, uncomfortable, and out of control. Children's anger immediately becomes something adults need to quell, quash, repress, redirect, close down, shut out, punish or get rid of. Holding still and helping a child explore through and process all those tumultuous, complicated feelings is seldom considered as an option. And yet we all so desperately need to find ways to express our anger productively in order to make a stand for who we are and what we believe in. If adults cannot help children do this, who will?

So here I am. The personal affects the professional. The more I explore the relationship between anger and teaching, the more I become aware of my own. And there it is, staring right back at me as I interact with students, or associate a sudden hunger just after I have eaten a nourishing meal.

Comments

[Milt]

I hadn't thought much about anger until now. I suddenly realize that's one emotion I have not experienced of late. I'll have to think on that.

[Chancy]

Wow !!!
Your post struck a nerve with me. I too have times when I feel angry and I cannot figure out what the anger is all about. And mistaking anger for hunger, I had never thought about that either.

I have a book called "The Dance of Anger" and in it Harriet Lerner, a Psychologist at the Menninger Clinic says when we are angry it means that we have needs that are not being met.

And this comment on Amazon about the book states:

"In this book, Lerner treats anger as a signal that something is going wrong. She explains that only when we address the "something wrong" in a useful way will the anger go away.

Tamar Thanks. I plan to print your insightful post and reread it many times.

[goldenlucyd]

While I believe that anger stems from unmet needs I think we must be very careful to sort out which of those needs are healthy and which are trying to kill us. Don't have time to write more at this moment but that's the rub with me...

Great post and comments my friends! Let's have a real week.
love,
lucyd

[goldenlucyd]

PS
Tamar, re the Tamarika that was loved only for being Sephardic---that's the yetzer talking: "I am your best friend...I want to be with you always...I want to destroy you not only in the next world but here, everyday...You know you can't REALLY believe anyone but me...I am your best friend..."
Oh yes, me and the yetzer have it out every day.
I just remind myself that like everything in creation, me and the yetzer are one. So I just try not to pay "him" no-never-mind cause GD knows I don't pay much attention to my own good sense.

Perhaps this all sounds like metaphorical clap-trap. I just know it works for me.
Oh, great! now I'm REALLY late!
lucy

[Richard Lawrence Cohen]

Very interesting post; I'm going to forward it to my wife, who does research into teaching practices and teachers' learning.

I have been thinking a lot lately about anger in my own life, and while I'm loath ever to make gender generalizations, I think that in contrast to women, who often express anger as sadness, men often express sadness as anger.

[Sky]

Wow! This post has given me pause. Perhaps my weight issues are related to anger - the hunger v.s. anger relationship you mention. Thank you so much for this post. I will probe deeply into my own life to examine this carefully. I am most appreciative for this insight.

Your willingness to be honest with the students is so impressive. It is exactly what we like our friends to do - to own feelings, to be willing to disclose feelings and truths as they are understood and known, to be willing to assume responsibility for self and action. You must be an incredible teacher to be open enough to do this with your students. Lucky students. :)

[Fran aka Redondowriter]

That Freudian slip really brought you insight. I bow to you, namaste. We all carry anger, but I kow I'm a "good" girl and I think I'm not mad until I get so inappropriately.

[Tamar]

You know, Richard, I think you are right about the gender thing. In any event, I think you are sharing what you have discovered about yourself and anger ... as a man. And I thank you for that.

Chancy,
Indeed, I have read Harriet Lerner (just about everything she has written, actually) and her "Dance of Anger" is still one of the greats on the subject. Thanks for reminding me about it. It will be helpful in my writing.

Milt,
Perhaps Richard's sharing about men's expression of anger resonates with you too?

Hm ... Lucyd ... I had to look up "yetzer" because I have no Yiddish! But I found it and smiled through your comment. Beautifully described! Thank you. Interesting. Unhealthy needs. My oh my.

Fran,
That "good girl" thing and then doing the anger "inappropriately" sure sounds familiar. Thank you for sharing that!

Hello Sky, thanks for stopping by. I liked the look of your site too. Since reading Geneen Roth I have noticed so many of my emotions are expressed through eating. It's hard work just realizing which ones and fascinating when I discover them. I can't imagine ever completely "un"learning them though - so deep, so ingrained into the brain as ways to survive - a survival skill that can kill me ... literally.

[ainelivia]

Thanks so much for this Tamar. I am so moved, by your openess and how you shared your feelings with those around you, and in a teaching situation too.

I'm in the middle of some right now, anger that is, and it's only been when I shared with Winston what was troubling me that I realised I had to do something to break the hold anger is having on me.

[Tamar]

Ainelivia,
Gee, I know how tough it is to be inside some angry stuff. Painful and confusing. Thanks for stopping by. I wish you great healing. Will hold you in my thoughts.