Missing it already

Each time I post about giving up my blog, I spend the day wistfully missing it. It seems that every now and then I have to imagine living without it. In a way I suppose it might mean that I love my blog. It is much like having a lover or significant other who I love so much that I fear losing them. When I was young I would practice losing or leaving so that I could be sure that I would survive without people. I hate being dependent upon anyone or anything. It renders me so completely vulnerable.

For example, recently I moved my entire office from work to home quietly and completely on my own. I do not think that anyone even noticed. I wanted to feel that I was capable, independent and, well yes, alone. I realize that this kind of independence makes me feel powerful, in control of an otherwise seemingly powerless life.

Illusions and early childhood games with myself, I suppose.

Yesterday, a feeling of emptiness accompanied me, as I was busy with meetings, classes, moving, packing, grading, and driving. As if I had lost a close friend or family member. And this morning when I open up my blog a feeling of relief and comfort returns. It is not only that I am able to write how I feel and what I am thinking about, it is the comments of friends and other bloggers out there who are bearing witness with me to those feelings and thoughts. Validating, acknowledging, giving me new ways to think about things, sharing information and suggestions, giving of themselves through the written word ... the beautiful, powerful, emotional, literary, poetic, fluid, written word.

I treasure each and every comment I received yesterday. It was especially exciting to hear from Aeron. I often wonder what her father would have said about my blog or blogging in general. Ah, yes indeed, he would have made an extremely fine blogger.

Chancy, goldenlucyd, ainelivia, and Jean. Your comments reinforced and supported me as I try and work out what to do about blog or book. Am still not quite sure whether it is about time, addiction to or imagining doing without blogging. But I am on my way to thinking and feeling about it and it is a mighty fine day ahead, I can tell you!

Thank you.

Comments

[Brenda]

Something about denying yourself what you love so you can do what you ought. Does it have to be an either/or? Can't one love flow over into the other? It's perhaps a premise of creativity that is like an assemblage of ingredients, not enough to make two cakes, so a decision has to be made. Or are there other metaphors for the flow of creativity that might enable you to keep blogging as well as writing a book? What if one nourishes the other? What if one is the raw place to work out ideas, feelings, observations, and the other a place to polish them? Or must the process as well as the subject of your book be kept hidden for professional reasons? It's a hard call, I know that.

[Milt]

It's been said, "the first step in solving a problem is recognizing it".

[Danny]

I vote for both but I understand the dilemma of thinking it must be blog or book. I also relate to the feeling of not being able to write in the blog for a while and wondering whether I need to call an official "hiatus" or just slink back in when I can. Knowing that you are susceptible to pressure, I will lay it on thick: KEEP WRITING IN YOUR BLOG! (Oops, that might backfire since you also rightfully rebel against being told what to do.) I am also very much looking forward to the book, even though I won't be the editor on this one, damn it.

[Tamar]

Brenda,
You have such a beautiful way of describing the dilemma and soul searching about all of this right up to including the final detail: "Or must the process as well as the subject of your book be kept hidden for professional reasons?" Thanks for your comment. Much appreciated and so good to hear from you again!

Yes, Milt, yes! And who better than you and your life experience to share that with me. Thank you.

Wow, Danny, you know me *SO* well! Pressure really helps me stick with stuff and am becoming less rebellious when told what to do ... you surely have my number. Gee, I wish you were still my editor but actually, in a way, you always will be ...

[Mo'a]

I am so happy that you are working this through. Read yesterdays and todays posts and became filled with hope.
In any case whether you decide on the book or the blog, you will always touch your reader. My hope is for both...as I have a feeling of withdrawal, thinking about the prospect of not having your blog, to read on a regular basis.

[Winston]

Do the book. You want to. So just do it.

But you will need an occasional break from that. Set aside one day a week to NOT work on the book, and do a blog that day to give us an update, or to to tell us how much you don't miss us, or whatever.

[Tamar]

Yikes! Great advice, Winston. I wonder if I can hold back and blog *only* once a week ...

Mo'a,
You are truly supportive. Thanks so much for your kind words. I will take your "withdrawal" feelings into consideration. I will.

Hey Gemma, good to hear from you again. Thanks for stopping by!