Well, my Boca Java arrived. Not only did it help Frank out, with his coffee purchases I mean, but I also acquired a free, large, black mug which says Always blog on a full tank. I am not usually partial to bill boardy sorts of things but having this mug at my side as I tap, tap away on these keys blogging my big, nappy, fuzzy, wuzzy head off, it feels like having an old friend standing by. And, yum, the coffee tastes good too.
So, here I am, at my new site. It feels a little strange. Different color scheme and photograph on the right hand side instead of the left like at the old Tamarika site. And it feels a little odd not being as open and public as I was ... I mean the password and all. There was always something a little risky, on the edge, knowing that anyone anywhere could find me with a click of a button. On the other hand, I love to write and if one person or a thousand (which never happened anyway) read me, it makes no difference. I just gotta do it! Write it down.
Feelings, reflections, ideas, thoughts, opinions, words, words, words - my words.
Well, it seems that my words were incendiary. I thought I was plodding along searching for meaning to my life, trying to understand how I came to be me. At times I would grit my teeth on my past life experience, shake the material around like a bulldog, and, at the same time, try to hold onto respect and deep love of my family as I explored my early memories and made connections with the me of now. It seems that it became too painful for my siblings to bear. In fact, I was not aware that they were reading me. It had been some time that I thought they had tired of my blog. Most of my readers are blogging strangers, passers-by who come upon me while they are googling for something else.
One of my siblings termed me as "rubbishying" the family.
Ooh, that hurt. I cried for days, wandering the apartment all night long wringing my hands in despair.
It had taken me fifty years to gather the courage to face my demons down and tell my truth. The effect was enormous for me. Releasing, liberating and opening up the emotional space for me to forgive and love my mother in ways I would never have dreamed possible. In my latest visits home to Israel she and I spent hours talking, holding hands, crying and saying that we love each other. So it felt deep and sore and filthy to be called a "rubbisher."
At first I thought, "Just scrap the whole thing! Return to personal journaling and give up blogging. Who needs it anyway? Hardly anyone reads you anyway. What's so great about blogging!" I tried that on for size, posting a number of different pieces describing my need to end the blog. And each time I felt the blog slipping away, the same feelings of loss and sadness returned. I really do love blogging. Yes, it is personal and just for me, on the one hand, but there is an excitement in knowing that someone out there is bearing witness with me. That I am not alone with all these wonderings, angst, joy, life struggles. I can finally tell my story - stories. Some that have been stored away for forty five years or so, deep in the memory brain, psyche, or right from my heart.
And so, I faced the morning. Dried up the tears and held my head up high. I read through my blog, all four hundred posts, and understanding how my siblings could feel so angry, I still thought, "Hm ... I'm not such a bad person. Not such a low-life. Some of the stuff I write is good and meaningful for me. And, what's more. It's true. It happened." I remembered Alice Walker and how the truth had set me free. I certainly did not want to write censoring myself continually or looking over my shoulder in fear, even though I try to take care and not tell other people's personal stories (unless they give me permission, that is). It is tricky and always a balance. Yes indeed.
"Aha!" I cried when I realized that TypePad had just the solution I needed for right here, right now. Create a new blog with a password. That way an intimate band of readers will seek you out on purpose if they want to read what you write and your poor, dear, suffering family will not have to stand guard at the gates to ensure I write the "right stuff," as they termed it. Yes indeed, that's the term they used: "the right stuff." Just get rid of the "wrong stuff," that's all. The only words that sprang to mind as I heard "the right and wrong stuff" was underground ... I would have to go underground. Of course they could not put me in jail or punish me, but they are my family and I am certainly not in this blogging world purposely to hurt them, even though a couple seem to think that is my motive. After all, they have busy and productive lives, are all competent and excellent at what they do. They do not have time to stop by and read my blog. For heaven's sake. Going underground will be a service to them. They will be able to go on with their day's work without having to keep an eye on Tamarika.
That way we all win. I can continue to tap, tap, tap away at the keyboard freely expressing my thoughts. My family can relax and get on with their lives.
Gee, I hope they don't forget or give up on me altogether ... although I have been down that road before and this time I am stronger, older, and more confident ...
... and ...
... I will survive.
Dear Adriana,
Thanks for sharing this. It helps to know that I am not alone. Am so pleased to have you with me and to be with you this past year and a half in our blogging land!
Posted by: Tamar | May 30, 2006 at 08:04 AM
Tamar, I've had the same conflicts. While I write under a pen name, some of my family DOES read it and I do reveal a lot of information. I censor a little, but I pretty much grit my teeth and bear any badness that comes my way. Which at this point is next to nothing. I'm sure the day will come. I'm so lucky to be part of your intimate group - your words are so powerful and strengthening. Even when you're sad, you convey such wisdom. I'm glad you're here!
Posted by: Adriana Bliss | May 27, 2006 at 02:45 PM
savtadotty,
What you say is very true. Privacy does have different meanings for different people. And loyalty too. And I respect that. In fact, the "family truths" that some of them might feel ashamed about (if that's what they are feeling) are my own. My versions (as Danny said). My version of what happened to me does not have to be their version or their truths. So why the panic? It's just me talking about me. I guess I might come across as sounding accusatory or blaming. And so I will look into how I write stuff a little more clearly because, in fact, I am not blaming anyone. Am just trying to work out how I came to be me ... and I might find a way to be clearer about that aspect.
Heidi,
In fact you describe how I feel perfectly! "A sense of freedom and loosening of the shoulders" - yes indeed. In fact, one of my sibs asked for the password and I gave them such a hard time before I finally agreed! Because, naturally I would love to come up from underground at some point. But only when I might feel safe again. Am still feeling a little sore and vulnerable.
I am deeply touched and feel so supported by your comments, Brenda; B.S.; Mary; and Joy. Thank you so much. It means a lot to me because finding my voice has not always been easy and I sense you understand that.
Dear Jean, as I read through my archives the other day I saw how much you have been a part of my journey - steady, constant and true - from the very beginning. Gee. I just have to come to London one day to meet you! If you don't get to Philadelphia first, that is : )
Danny,
Well, what can I say? You started me off on this self-expression path. What you write here means so much to me. I am unable to describe the feelings of gratitude I have for you since the day I met you back in November 2001. But I know how much you hate this kind of thing so ... I'll stop right here. But, anyway. Thanks.
Posted by: Tamar | May 17, 2006 at 05:53 AM
It's sad that your siblings are ashamed of their family truths, but I'm glad you've found a way to protect them and keep blogging. Privacy has different meanings for different people.
Posted by: savtadotty | May 17, 2006 at 04:59 AM
Maybe you've found your little haven right here Tamar. I like your new place. May you have many happy blogging days ahead.
Posted by: Joy | May 16, 2006 at 07:17 PM