So many intriguing, artistic, poetic, humorous, dramatic, and haunting self-portraits out there! I have been trying to keep track:
Over at Brenda, Jean, Mary, Natalie, just to name a few ...
I tried. Yes indeed. I sat by the mirror, pencil and paper in hand, sketching and erasing and then erasing so much more. Just could not get it to come out in a way I felt was presentable. Then I tried using pastel crayons for an artistic flair, phone and other digital cameras for dramatic reality. I tried holding the camera up high, to the side, behind and in front of me. Yoga came in handy as I squirmed, twisted, and contorted my body for this exercise.
Finally, I decided to give up the artistic flair part and just share a few pictures to portray my self ...
This is me, Tamarika of Rhodes, squinting into the sunlight and trying to smile. Am completely and absolutely hopeless at smiling for the camera. I see a graying haired woman in her later fifties with dark rings under the eyes, lines and wrinkles that share life's stories gloriously and unabashedly.
If I look closely, focus deeper into the soul I remember a me of a different period lurking behind those wrinkly eyes:
See. Some of you might remember this picture from my old Tamarika blog. Same curled up into the sun eyes. Not trying to smile here. Reflective though - wondering what life is all about, learning to be a single Mom, facing the shattered dream of life without Trimurthi and a "broken home" for my beautiful son.
This me lurks behind the eyes of the now me, forever haunting, niggling, shadowing.
But as I search for the self I am trying to portray in old pictures that lurk behind the me of now, I always return to what an old friend of the family used to call, "Baba Tamar."
For she lies within my soul behind all those curled up, squinting eyes, wrinkles, and angst. I see her as the core, essence of Tamarika, and the potential of what I could be, might still be (sometimes am): playful, ecstatic, joyful, bright eyed, humorous, clear, and not afraid to smile for the camera! (Hey! and do you see what I see? Those chubby cheeks and jowls of then are returning to my face of now) I often return to this picture and remind myself of what lies within. As I gaze at it I feel stirrings of that little inner child and I become quite excited, and impish, and feel confident enough to conquer the world!
Yes, Patry, my former "selves" seem so close ... are, indeed, so much a part of the me of now! Even though others cannot see them.
Posted by: tamarika | June 30, 2006 at 09:31 AM
Love seeing your life in reverse. I do feel as if all of my former selves are still in there, though sometimes no one knows it but me.
Posted by: patry | June 29, 2006 at 09:56 PM
Oh Adriana, how I love that expression: "art challenged." Thanks!
Posted by: tamarika | June 24, 2006 at 07:08 PM
I've been following these self-portrait explorations and they are all so lovely and layered. Good for you for trying the drawing, Tamar...I don't even bother. I'm very "art" challenged...lol!
Posted by: Adriana Bliss | June 24, 2006 at 02:39 PM
Mary,
I went through a period of my life when I threw away a ton of photographs and lately have been really sorry about that. On the other hand I don't take as many photos as I used to. Somehow, I seem more able to preserve memories in my brain and prefer to spend the time living the situation rather than photographing it. But that's all probably connected to the non-artist in me or something ...
MB,
Thank you. Good to hear from you again!
Jean,
Since learning how to crop photos I just cut off the family members from the photograph and focus on my childhood faces. It's fun to do! However, I understand the pain and sadness that memories cause - like old wounds in the rain. There are photos I don't share as well for the same reason.
Hurrah! The Lady is back at Monkey Town. How lovely to hear from you again. In fact I have stopped by now and again and was wondering where you were. After all, you are one of the very first bloggers I discovered when I first started out!
Brenda (and Jean),
Thanks so much for your enthusiasm about the "Tamarika of Rhodes." It warms the cockles of my heart!
Posted by: tamarika | June 23, 2006 at 06:48 AM