Holding still

Quote of the day:

Never apologize. Never explain. Just get the thing done, and let them howl. Agnes MacPhail

Yes indeed. Ever since my interrogation experience, in which I was the representative for all serial monogamists everywhere, I have been thinking over this re-marriage thing and the whys and wherefore's - not for everyone, but as it has pertained to me, specifically. You see, I am back to commuting for long stretches of alone-time again and I cannot help but get to a-thinking about things across the miles. For even when accompanied by great music or interesting radio shows, when my mind wants to wander, it simply wanders, and becomes my dominant surround-sound.

One of the sobering thoughts that came to mind is that I am afraid of intimacy. I am afraid to share my personal, most private, deepest nature with another human being. The fear mainly has to do with abandonment. In other words, if you find out who I really am, you will most certainly leave me. For surely, my deepest nature is evil? The bad-dest of bad seeds, the destroyer of others, or as it was very recently stated to me: the rubbisher of others. Just before my partner could ever truly come to know me intimately, is the very time to hurry on, move on out, run away as far and as fast as my heart and legs could carry me.

And yet, the longing to belong remains within me, pulling on and tugging at me, even while I am on the run, until I try and try again.

In past posts I described how Bob, the therapist, discovered this fear of mine early on in our relationship. I wrote about the relief I felt when he not only confronted and challenged me to face it but promised not to abandon me as I did so. He skillfully taught me to hold still. And I have to admit that it has been excruciating at times. It still can be.

Holding still. I feel as if I am going to explode, choke, asphyxiate. I feel trapped, claustrophobic and terrified. It becomes dark and hopeless and I cannot breathe. I want to run, fly, even die away. Sometimes, though, lately, just as it gets so bad that I cannot stand it another minute, I catch sight of the huge oak tree, thick, tall, and old reaching towards the sky outside my living room window. Solid and firm it withstands wind, rain and amazing thundering lightening storms. I gaze at it long and hard, and a deep sigh escapes me. I realize, miraculously, that like that tree, I confronted my inner storm and have survived.

So, I guess, if anyone asks me again why I married so many times I would explain honestly and truthfully: "Well, you see, I am terrified of intimacy and whenever I feel close to someone or allow myself to need them, I become trapped with fear, desperate to don my running shoes and get the hell out of there!"

If at this point, the person who asks is not uncomfortable with my answer, I would continue: "But I think I am starting to realize that intimacy is about holding still and allowing my partner to share my personal, most private, deepest nature." "It is a struggle and a challenge for me," I would add, "But the reward is in understanding a different reality about myself. That is, I am not inherently evil, the bad-dest of bad seeds. I do not destroy other human beings or rubbish them."

I might be smiling by this stage when I would conclude: "I am just me being me as wholly and completely as I can so that my partner might be equally as free to be who he or she is."

Comments

[tamarika]

These comments are so full of understanding, sharing and your own personal life experiences that I don't want to spoil them with anything more from me ...

Just, for you, joared ... I had not stopped to think that making provisions for others when I die is really not about me. You are so right about that. Thank you very much for pointing that out to me. There is a blog post in this for sure!

and ... aine livia ... nothing you can say here, at my site, will be wrong ... no fear here. Here you are safe with me!

[joared]

"The fear mainly has to do with abandonment. In other words, if you find out who I really am, you will most certainly leave me."

What a powerful piece of writing, Tamar! What gains in insight you observe having made. You should be so proud of yourself. But I know only too well, that understanding, insight are only a beginning. Living the change is the most difficult task of all as you describe so well.

I think your responses for possible future use re the monogamy issue are exactly to the point.

What comes to mind is how blogs can enable crossing the gap toward intimacy, despite the distancing factor, just as some individuals are able to become more intimate with another through letters, or in a phone line connection, rather than in person.

I wish I could say issues of abandonment, loss, were those with which I have never had to cope, but that would not be the truth.

BTW you made a comment on TGB with words to the effect others might not be that concerned or even wonder what happened, if your blog simply disappeared with no explanation. Think about it!

Take it from me, you need to setup provision to alert other bloggers, all your readers, as to what has happened that you are no longer in the blogosphere should that eventuality ever occur...that is, if you care about us, 'cause it's not about you.

[Winston]

Many of the landmarks you describe are quite familiar, for I have travelled this road myself. But with some differences...

I am not moved to inaction for fear of being found out, nor fear of commitment. If anything, I have in the past made commitments too easily, too soon. Never lightly, but always too soon. Some people "fall in love" too easily and hastily. Others have great difficulty getting there.

As I look back over my shoulder, I see relationships becoming non-so due to sailing (intentional) or drifting (unintentional) in divergent directions. This is perhaps a trite and common claim, but I also have learned that it has a great deal of validity. In today's dynamic world, we are each pulled, tugged, pushed, stretched in so many different directions, and all those forces and vectors are constantly shifting, changing. Except for those who stay very close to their roots geographically, culturally, and intellectually, a single monogamous relationship for life seems impossible. We grow apart because we grow together... Sounds profound and contradictory, but think about it...

[ainelivia]

I'm glad that you have followed through and explored your feelings. Tamarike, you are speaking to me, and speaking of me. Yes. As i've been reading your blog for some time now, I know how this fear came about. It's about that lesson that many have learned early in life that the real self is not the desired one, and if we are our real selves we will not be loved. And god do I know the paralysis that follows. Better to do nothing than to be told that what I do is useless, no good.

"Holding still..." as I read this para where you describe your feelings and then the tree, i'm shaking with recognition.

And even as I write this I have that fear that what I say might be not the right thing.

If I were with you now I'd be smiling tears of intimacy. So I'm going to hit the "post" button before I change my mind and say nothing for fear.

Thank you,

[savtadotty]

It is very touching post. I'm sure everyone has a fear of abandonment at the outset, but the lucky ones figure out earlier how to cope with it without becoming self- or other-destructive. We who try running away eventually learn that we've still got ourselves. It's kind of a disappointment, but not a tragedy.