Looking back and thinking forward

I have been looking back to blog posts from last year around this time. Did I get the idea from Tom Shugart?

As I read them I recall cold, lonely feelings of trepidation bordering almost on terror! I realize that I have come a long way since then. Even though I head out to a new position (once again!), somehow I feel more relaxed, fatalistic, or accepting about it.

What will be, will be.

I wonder what has taken place within me between then and now.

• Firstly, I survived full-time academia! I even did well. I saw what it was all about. Meetings, teaching, advising, grading, commuting, being evaluated ... so ... I can do it again.
• Second, I survived working through my rage and heart break about losses on many different levels.
• Losing: my home, professional life, and friends in Buffalo; my brother and illusions about family; Mar-Mar; Molly; my sense that I am immortal, and that all things can pass; my youth, as I realize that, yes indeed, I am approaching 60; my son as he becomes a man - his own person; and, losing my confidence - over and over again.
• Raging: at T. for bringing me to Philadelphia; my brother and illusions about family; and reality of aging.

I look over the list and think about all the pain that has passed inside and through me. My oh my, it was stormy indeed. Have those dark clouds actually moved on?

I am hesitant, bowing my head through the small opening as, once more, I stumble out of my cave.

Blinking now, my eyes adjust to the light. It is not bright and passionate. This time the light seems soft and comforting ... safe ... even a little peaceful.

I wonder ... have I finally reached stage five?

Oh, and one more thing, lest I forget.

I could never have done this (without going crazy, I mean) without the blog, and, which is more to the point, all of your cyber support out there.

Even if you did not comment - you were felt.

You know who you are!

Comments

[tamarika]

Dear savtadotty, patry and Winston,
I am waving back at you and so grateful that you are out there!

[Winston]

Sounds like you are saying your train has arrived at the station on Track 5. That is good news, indeed. Glad to be along for the ride...

[savtadotty]

(o)

[patry]

(o)

[tamarika]

Hello Jude. Ah, I had a feeling there were a few silent supporters out there : ) Thanks so much for stopping by my site.

Natalie, you know what I said, already, at your blog yesterday! ... it is repeated here too!

And, dear Richard ... {{{}}} WELL received and returned!