Have I said it all?

Looking back, I had a lot more to say last year. It seemed as if everything I had ever been working on in all my therapies over the years rose up and out of me. Of course it really started when I wrote my book. Finding my voice in that way had a profound affect on my self-understanding. The truth set me free and with that so much more needed to be said. That is to say, written about. In a public forum, such as my blog. I simply needed to put it out there so that I could look at it together with anyone else who happened by. Facing my self with all the pain and vulnerabilities in that way afforded me a different reality about myself, a new perspective. All the old family beliefs and myths became just that: myths. In writing about those ancient hurts, somehow I took the edge off them. After all, they had reached enormous proportions locked away in my mind for they were placed there when I was a child. And everything seems so much bigger, more magical, devastating, terrifying, wondrous, or insurmountable when we are children.

As I wrote about those dangerously unmentionable childhood feelings and fears, knowing somewhere in the not so back-of-my-mind that someone in the family would start yelling furiously and try to stuff me back into my box, the adult Tamarika (A.T.) started to emerge. At first, she was bewildered and hurt. "What is all the noise about?" she wondered out loud about all that anger at her for mentioning the unmentionable. She began to back peddle, erase what she had written and, even, changed her entire blog site!

And then the summer came and with it three months of alone time. Hours for reflection, but more than that, space for the A.T. to come out of the closet, spread her enormous wings of comfort and reason, and soothe all the panic and fear that had taken hold. Dangerously unmentionable slowly became un-dangered.

I realized, my voice is my voice, life experience my own, and my feelings are valid. The real and most significant "unmentionable" does not even need to be mentioned out loud any longer. Just knowing, understanding and facing it within me is enough.

Finally, I believe me. And that is the most important point of all.

So, yes, I agree, Neil: " ... it's a great way to see how you've changed from last year -- and how you're still mulling over the same issues..."

But I wonder, have I said it all?

A Year Ago on Tamarika: Identifying my Angels

Comments

[tamarika]

Hello again, the narrator. How good to hear from you again! Yes ... connections, connections ... a web of them.

Mary,
Smiles.

[mary]

Knowing, facing and understanding "it" within me. So true. Accepting my feelings about "it". Sometimes that's the hardest part ....

As always, a truthful and generous post. Thank you Tamar.

[the narrator]

The links between who we were made to think we were, and how we make others feel. It is powerful stuff. Just (finally, sorry) reading about your book, which might be a perfect accompaniment to a course I am teaching.

Ah... the connections built in this new age of ours.