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« Platituding me into positivity | Main | Early morning conversation »

June 17, 2007



Thank you for sharing the story of your familial journey here too, and for your kind words to me. It sounds like you are getting to know yourself deeper and deeper. It helps, doesn't it, to make different life choices?

Todah, todah!


Your answer is so full, so rich that I have copied it to a file where I can study it offline. Your honest sharing is breathtaking. And the parallels in our experiences/responses/hurts/resolutions... equally so. As an example: mother "stealng" all men (mine said, on my second husband -- she surely thought the same of the first husband -- "we have so much more in common than you and he!"). The truth is I picked guys she would have adored!

My belatedly beginning to release my sister from the grip in which i held her (and to which she never consented, judging from her behavior many decades...) recently freed me to write on my blog a happy birthday wish to my mother. All that anger toward sis i let spill onto the mountains of anger/hurt/regret/love for mother. Now that i am better sorting out the women, i can see better my "good" mother. Funny how vision of one kind improves as the other kind declines with age;-)

hamon todot, achoti!

nesiya tova/nehederet!


It has always been a struggle for me, my relationship with my brother. In the beginning it was because I was adoring him for my mother's sake. For example, when he left home for college when I was twelve, my mother was so distraught she came home from the aiport and I watched her rearrange the furniture all over the house. That evening, she quite dramatically gave me a wrapped up gift. When I opened it, I discovered a large framed photograph of him. I dutifully displayed it for years wherever I was. That I did for her. As the years went by I would seek out acknowledgement from him but it was never forthcoming. Not his fault really. Just the kind of understated person he is, I think. I just always felt that I needed more from him. Over the years, too, he would cut off from me for extended periods of time because he was angry with how I treated my mother - always based on her version of events and never taking the trouble to find out mine.

Now, finally, after I wrote my book, he got word to me that I was not okay with what I had written (understatement!) - and started to distance himself from me again. And so I wrote and told him how I had been feeling over the years, hoping to let him know me in a different, more authentic way, hoping to open a conversation. But instead, and I took the chance knowing it would happen, he has cut me out again. In fact, for my mother's 90th birthday this year, I was pretty much told I could not come because he would be there - so while everyone (and I mean everyone) was there celebrating with her ... me and my son were not. I cried for a week. But then realised ... I am an orphan, and somehow that gave me some peace.

In fact, we have never been able to create our own relationship, my brother and I. I have had to understand and accept(and I know it sounds insane) that he belongs body and soul to my mother. She "owns" the men in my family. And I have decided (quite awhile ago), psychologically, emotionally that is, to surrender them to her ... all of them ... except my own son, of course. For him ... for him and me ... I fought. No one knows about how I did that. Just me and my therapist :>)

As a result, my son has a great relationship with my mother without losing his deep connection with me. But I had to fight for that within me and it took hard, emotional therapy work.

Thank you for asking that question. I appreciate your interest.


Deeply meaningful sharing. Thank you. Question: what do you mean when you write, "I have lost my brother in my reinvention, re-alteration process?"

i have lost my sister as I evolved and discovered either new aspects of her or noticed what was always there... or nascent. She is not available and hasn't been for years. Alive though dead in ways, for me.

Hence my question to you.


And Jean, *your* comment brought tears to my eyes! I don't know how you manage, always, to touch at the core of what I am saying and what is going on for me. Yes! That *is* the only kind of happy ending that is real: meaningful relationships. Like yours and mine.

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