It occurred to me, as I was traveling on the New Jersey Transit on my way to New York City, that there are two sides to feeling as if I do not belong. One is excruciatingly painful because I feel so victimized, marginalized, and excluded, that I become enraged and helpless at the injustice of being left out.
With the other side, however, I become an outsider looking in. I feel detached and peaceful, free of the burden of responsibility and relieved not to be a part of anything. It is the side where I seem to have control over my life. I am able to observe and choose whether or how much to become involved, or I move on untouched. It is the side that enables me to decide whether I owe anything to anyone or not. And the owing is in whether I will share my feelings or not, as much as it is whether I am responsible for anyone or not.
I have struggled with the former side of exclusion all of my life, starting within my family of origin and then transferring those painful feelings to everyone and everything I subsequently became involved with: marriages, lovers, organizations, work, friendships, family relationships ...
Part of letting go and bidding farewell to the burdens of my past has been to transfer to the other side of not belonging. I am becoming more and more an outsider looking in. I realized this yesterday on the train. I looked out the window at the scenery rushing by and thought to myself, "Has life just become more lonely?" After all, when I am busy feeling painfully excluded and hurt by all those wrongs against me, I am deluded into feeling as if I am, in fact, involved with people, and not alone. As an outsider looking in, I am at once stripped of illusions and faced with being alone. Just me. Looking in. Observing. Detached. De-personalized. Un-involved. And, yes, it does seem a tad lonely. Even a bit scary. But then, I think that is how it is. Being an adult, I mean. Becoming mature. Being able to choose how I feel. And not being dependent on other people's actions for or against me.
I started to talk about it and then stopped myself abruptly. It just felt too personal, private, deep ... at that moment. I laughed to myself as I said out loud, "I think I'll write about it on my blog ..."
A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Blogging about books
Dear Judith,
Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving your comment, your wisdom: life as a web both sad and liberating. My sister Sue, who I put up in my "webcam" play yesterday will also be turning 70 this year. From where I sit at 58, 70 does not seem like an age of "leaving life." But I know that I cannot understand what it feels like to be 70, and I surely know that I often think about leaving life even in my 50's. So much to uncover as we age, isn't there?
Posted by: tamarika | August 28, 2007 at 07:17 AM
This is the first time I have read your blog and I am very interested in the explorations of exclusion, outsider, alone, lonely, etc. So I will try to catch up by reading earlier writings. My experiene of aging (I am 70)is an insider/outsider dichotomy and an abiding sadness about leaving life. I think this is all a web, both sad and liberating.
Posted by: Judith MS | August 27, 2007 at 05:23 PM
Winston,
Thanks so much for your kind and supportive words. Much appreciated. Yes, I do think I am feeling growing independence and inner strength ... it's about time, eh?
Thanks for accompanying me on my ride!
Posted by: tamarika | August 27, 2007 at 08:18 AM
The role of outsider looking in, the way you describe it, is very, very good. With one small exception that I will take. At the end of the second paragraph you mention "whether I am responsible for anyone or not." Except in cases of medical or physical caretaker, none of us is responsible for another adult.
Remember always that alone does not equate with lonely. Perhaps the increasing detachment you feel is growing independence and inner strength.
Along with many of your friends out here in the virtual world, I have watched and observed and smiled and cheered as you broke through the eggshell over the past couple of years. You project a very different, a far more confident person than you did back then. I like the person you have grown into right in front of our eyes.
Chin up. Be proud. Don't worry. Be happy!
Posted by: Winston | August 27, 2007 at 07:32 AM
Yes, savtadotty. It is within me.
Posted by: tamarika | August 27, 2007 at 07:20 AM