Lessons learned

Quote of the day:

Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life. Seneca

Being ill has been an interesting experience for me. About 25 years ago I had viral hepatitis. I had caught it from one of the children in my classroom. For two months I was yellow all over my body, fingers, whites of eyes, and general skin-tone. Most of the time I was weak, tired and nauseous. It was an awful, debilitating illness that never seemed to go away. Finally, at the very end I was hospitalized for a few days for some tests and then it was all over. Now, twenty five years later, I found myself in a similar situation only this time it felt so much more serious. It came at me from out of the blue and sucked me out of my life. I felt like I had been thrown into prison and would never be set free again. Indeed, I found myself making my hospital room comfortable for the long haul, as if accepting my fate and moving on with it the best I could. Some of the lessons learned occurred to me this morning when I enjoyed a cup of coffee, something I have not been able to do for the past ten days or so.

• Even though the body is ailing with fever or pain, tremors or weakness and fatigue, the mind can pull me out of despairing. I can wash my face, take a deep breath - or a number of deep breaths, tell myself I am not just an illness, I am also me! Looking in the mirror for a long moment helps me come back to the me within. I look into my eyes and see that I am so much more than just fever and pain. I don't have to become the illness.
• Just because everyone around me is behaving in a certain institutional way, I don't have to. For example, as the nurses rush through with their medicine packages and throw the lids or papers on the floor by my bed in their haste, I can pick those papers up and keep my room clean. I don't need to lie in that mess feeling worthless or just like someone who is being handled. By the same token, if they have not time to ask me who I am or find out how I am feeling, I can still ask them who they are and find out how they are feeling. Each time I do that, they stay a short while and share their day with me.
• Renewing respect for my body. My mind and brain resides in this body of mine. I deserve to take care of it. It seems to me that if I stuff unhealthy foods into it, that will not be kind or helpful to the body's functioning. If I don't move and bend it, the body won't be flexible or strong enough to face the dysfunctional times. My body needs rest, warm baths and compassion for the number of years it has been functioning successfully so far.
• Self reflection reconfirmed. Understanding why I do what I do, how I think and feel the way I do, is one of the ways I have some control of my life. It gives me choices and helps me make decisions for myself even if it is simply in my attitude or the way I feel. Self reflection is my friend and when I am in any type of situation I find comfort in writing out or thinking it through. Getting to know how my mind works is one of the best things I can do for myself: body and mind.
• Contact with others is important. Visits, telephone calls, e-mail messages, cards, gifts and flowers make a difference. Feeling ill and working to keep afloat emotionally is challenging and can feel pretty lonely. Each time someone makes contact with me in any way is helpful and gives me hope that this illness state is temporary and the end is near. Plus, it just makes me feel worthwhile and loved. Attention does that! Puts me in the forefront for a moment while I struggle with feeling like I'm disappearing from view.
• Relationships is what it is all about. And I keep returning to this lesson. Over and over again. In the end, it is my various relationships with different people that makes life worthwhile. Not the books I have written or will write, meetings I have attended or awards received. It has only to do with the one to one interactions with family members, friends, colleagues, or, even, strangers passing by my bedside, sharing a smile, a tear, a touch, a few words. My resolve has been strengthened and heart opened wider to spend the rest of my life enhancing the quality of all my relationships.

Thank you so much to all the people who wished me well or held me in their thoughts this past week or so. I raise this wonderful cup of coffee, which I am enjoying so much for the first time in 10 days, to all of you, whoever and wherever you may be, in a toast to human contact and relationships whether virtual or real!

Comments

[mary godwin]

I find myself coming in at the end of the story and reaping the benefit of your lessons (re)learned, but it is good to hear that you are finding your strength again. All good things at you, my friend. -mg

[tamarika]

Elaine! You're on!

[Elaine of Kalilily]

So glad that you are on the mend. Want to play a game of Scrabulous??

[Winston]

It is interesting how a crisis usually has a cathartic side effect of helping or causing us to focus more clearly on what is important. A toast to you with my morning coffee, Tamar...

[savtadotty]

Totally agree with you about the supreme importance of relationships. Even spelling, valuable as it is, doesn't matter as much!