A letter to commenters

Dear Commenters,

Lately I have been wondering about comments and commenting especially since Tamar commented on my blog recently and mentioned liking that I reply. It got me thinking. I guess I do not write the type of posts that have people debating and discussing like I see at some other blog sites. Most of the comments on mine are supportive, or shared stories that are associated with what I have written. And some are greetings of one kind or another.

There are a number of reasons why I enjoy replying to people who comment on my blog.

The first is that I am terribly grateful. Each and every time I receive a comment I cannot get over the fact that someone has actually taken the trouble, not only to read what I have written, but to say something to me, to all of us, about it. It blows my mind!

At times, though, there are comments that are better left without a reply - are meaningful and interesting  in and of themselves and deserve to hang out there in space to be experienced without further comment. Just as in a support group like session we are silent after someone has said something profound or intense and we just listen to the other - actively, with all our hearts and minds.

Secondly, and I simply have to admit it, sometimes I just have to have the last word! It is such an annoying habit and I have been working on myself about it these past few years with some small success. I come from a family of strong-minded, opinionated people. Being the second to youngest I always felt like I was in some kind of competition about who is the wisest and sure-est. People around me always seemed so sure that their opinion or knowledge about something was the right - no, the only way things could be. I believe it is quite common for the youngest to feel that way. Something to do with growing up and becoming an adult. Once the little sister, always the little sister, struggling for her own voice above all those strong, knowing ones around her. But now that I am, in fact an adult and becoming sort of an expert in some early childhood matters, I fear and abhor that feeling I get when I simply must have the last word - speak what I believe is the final truth. And so, lately I work on remaining silent as often as I can stand it, and just listen to others without anxiety or discomfort. Hang in there and let go of that feeling of competition that rises seemingly out of the shadows of my brain. It's the same thing with comments on mine or other people's blogs. I try to stay silent and listen instead of find the wisest, most essential, final word.

Third, and finally, as a counselor and early childhood educator, I relate to people. It's part of what I do. I have become skilled in what Reik calls listening with the third ear. That means I notice people and observe closely. Am keenly aware of things they are saying between the lines of their actual words, through body language or slips or twists of their use of language - metaphors or jokes. That does not mean I am always right - no sir - not by any means. However, it does mean that if you talk to me I will listen and then relate to what you have said. This can be a problem, for example in Facebook. If someone pokes me, I just have to poke back! I can never leave the poke hanging out there without an answer. Frank, surely knows what I'm talking about. I suppose I could work more on this one, too. But it is one of the things I quite like about myself and, believe me, there are not many of those!

Once again I have discovered that why I do what I do is not as simple as I first thought. It is compounded and complex and dependent upon situation, context or anything at all.

However, I must say, I do love it when you comment, and enjoy thinking about how best to reply when you speak to me.

Oh yes, and thank you so much for reading me right now.

Warmly,

Tamarika

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Here I am

Comments

[Tamarika]

Frank,
You are always welcome to my party - even if you are late! I have always found your comments make me think, cry, or LOL. Never find them to contain even a smidge of "dumbness!"
The only thing I regret is that I can't seem to beat you at Scrabulous!

[fp]

Consider this just a friendly poke...
:-)

I have a good many online friends whose blogs I only visit from time to time. This seems to shift from month to month. Sometimes I'll be a daily visitor and inspired to comment frequently, sometimes more of a lurker. I like it when a blogger returns my comments with a reflection of her/his own. But I've grown to expect that my comment will often be the last in a string. Sometimes I feel awkward about this, because it seems like nobody has anything to say after I've dumped some dumbness out there, but usually I get it that my belated comments are welcome but not too relevant since the conversation has moved on to whatever is next. Color me late to all yesterday's parties.

[Tamarika]

Well, Winston, Not only are you first to comment ... but you are the only one : )
So, thank you so much for your comment here! I, like you, hardly notice the stats any more - about who might be reading me or not. I do think seriously about turning off the comments completely and people could just e-mail me. But people do say things that are worthwhile reading all in a row that are connected to the post itself - just like your comment here.

Yes, I agree. Blogger friendships become quite real and if they would become fractured I can imagine that being painful.

I really appreciate what you say here. Thanks, again, for commenting, Winston.

[Winston]

I must admit it feels odd being the first to comment on this particular post. We can all relate, in some degree, to the 3 areas of thought about comments on your (or our) blog. I so wish I had the time to respond to each and every comment made on mine. It's not that there are so many, but that my time is so limited of late.

Some bloggers also enter into the dialog that develops in comments. That seems to be a valuable process at times. I have done it in the past, but lately, see time-bound excuse above.

Like you, I am most grateful for comments left in response to my drivel. Especially when made by one of the ones I consider old friends, like you or fp. Only occasionally do I look at site statistics. The number of hits and the level of traffic, while a measure of relative progress over time, is not nearly as meaningful as the number and quality of comments I get, and I do look at that daily.

Good friends and lasting relationships develop here. Sometimes one of those gets fractured and lost, just like in the real world. And it hurts just as much. Loss is loss...