From one "inner-most bean" to another

Well, I have been tagged - chain tagged via La Vache and through to Frank - two of my favorite people in that virtual Cyber place beyond the horizon. Am wondering how to uncover seven secrets about myself when I thought I had told everyone everything by now out open in the public much to familial consternations. But the tagging comes at a good time between the completion of five chapters and only two more to blast through before Christmas. A good break. A breather. A meditation of self, self, self ... agay...nnnnnnnnn ...

So. Here goes:

1. Fear of heights. Not just a "oh dear look down there," type of fear. A screaming and gasping, losing breath and feeling faint kind of fear. And it seems to be getting worse by the age. Once I got stuck at the top of a not very high water slide and people had to come and save me. How embarrassing was that!
2. I have been married four times. It still freaks me out to think it. I had always dreamed of being married to the same person forever and having three children in a big house with huge glass windows and sunken living room all looking out over the sea or up at mountains or something. It makes me feel a failure at love, at life, at motherhood, wife hood, person hood. I confront my shame about it often - not on a daily basis any longer - but often.
3. I had two abortions. Both because I was young and when I was told I had to or he would leave me, I believed him. He was my husband and he told me that having one baby with me was such a bad experience that he could not do it again and if I did he would divorce me then and there. And all along I had thought having the baby together was the most precious and wonderful moment of my life and after he said that I stumbled around the apartment feeling as if I had been punched in my stomach. I never wanted him to leave me but he did anyway - abortions or not. And then, no one around me allowed me to grieve my lost children until years later - far away in America - a grief counselor gave me permission to mourn my heart out. And I grieved and mourned as if my heart was breaking for days and months and into almost two years - and finally understood, too, why I was never loyal to my first husband again.
4. I don't know what age 58 feels like because I either feel like 16 or 32 or 64 but never like 58 because I don't know what it feels like.
5. I am an atheist but at the same time I am a spiritual person and I don't really know what that all means except that I stand in awe of nature and feel deeply connected to the human condition, but try as I may, I do not believe there is a god or a God or even a goddess or a Goddess. And I cry: at Ada's sweetness and gentle nature; when my son plays the piano; at the hawk swooping over the bird feeder seeking out a bird or a squirrel or a chipmunk; when Charlie and Mar-Mar died; when I heard a dear, darling best friend has cancer; when I wasn't allowed at my Mama's 90th birthday party; at beautiful music; fantastic acting; strange and weird music or poetry or writing; at loving; at hatred; when a student says or does something wondrous, creative, inspiring or when they share with me a piece of intimacy about their lives; when I part from friends I love; when I part from my son; when I'm angry; when I'm happy and when I am sad; whenever I see my siblings or my mother or Israel after many years of not seeing them; when I interact with infants; after a glass of wine; and I especially cry when the music is booming all around me as I drive over a hill or the leaves are turning exuberantly ... I cry, and cry, and cry.
6. I have groupie tendencies. I tend to adore people and put them up on pedestals and then find out that they are human and become disappointed over and over again. Sometimes I think I will never grow up and then suddenly I grow up again.
7. I don't want to die because I cannot imagine ever leaving my son here on earth without me.

I want to tag people but I don't think too many people read my blog any more; those I would tag have been tagged already; those I might tag would probably not do this ... but if you would tag yourself from me, let me know in the comments section so that we can all share in your "inner beans" too.

Oh, and Frank?

Thanks ... I think ...

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Ah ... learning experience

Comments

[tamarika]

Oy! Geli!!!!! How exciting that you have found me. I will e-mail you at once!

[geli schacked (bevor meyer, ima schel iris and tamy\\\\\\\0]

shalom , tamar hajakar..... was fuer eine ueberraschung, als ich ploetzlich dein bild im internet sah.Tamar dear, I was very pleased, and the ueberraschung was big, when I suddenly you saw on the internet. Eigentllich I had in my tamy sought, and so I am on your web spacecraft. It was beautiful, so you once again to see. Us here it is all very good. Iris expecting her baby every day, and we wait with her. It is a small maedchen, and of course we are very happily excited. Their schwangerschaft ran very easily and they blueht like a blume. Their doktorarbeit is already 2 / 3 done, yes, because iris is different than tamy, she has a strong desire and what they carry, it is also about. But, you know, certainly. Dani is fruehpensionaer, but it is always busy, as always.
I am still working for the German television. But at home, with internet and amails I make my recherchen and send them into the office. Geli eigentlich hatte ich ja meine tamar da drinnen gesucht, und da warst du auf einmal da. habe mich riesig gefreut. wie geht es dir so. iris berichtet mir ja immer von dir, so weit ein kontakt mir dir da ist. mal ja, mal nein. ich wuerde mich sehr freuen, wenn du mir antworten wuerdest. mir geht es sehr gut , dani und mir nTamar dear, I was very pleased, and the ueberraschung was big, when I suddenly you saw on the internet. Eigentllich I had in my tamy sought, and so I am on your web spacecraft. It was beautiful, so you once again to see. Us here it is all very good. Iris expecting her baby every day, and we wait with her. It is a small maedchen, and of course we are very happily excited. Their schwangerschaft ran very easily and they blueht like a blume. Their doktorarbeit is already 2 / 3 done, yes, because iris is different than tamy, she has a strong desire and what they carry, it is also about. But, you know, certainly. Dani is fruehpensionaer, but it is always busy, as always.
I am still working for the German television. But at home, with internet and amails I make my recherchen and send them into the office. Geliatuerlich. iris erwartet jetzt taeglich ihr baby, es ist ein maedchen. wir freuen uns alle enorm und warten mit ihr..... fuer heute liebe gruesse. geli.

[tamarika]

madame l,
Thank you.

Yeah, she must be taller than me. Most people usually are - even other people's "babies."

And, you know, I am shrinking ...

Love you, in public.

[madame l.]

i've read these a few times now and they've really given me pause and a little bit of space.

i find you to be genuinely honest without that false cloying niceness that seems to inform so many people.

that's all. gotta get the "baby" up for school. she's still sleeping. one little indian. but i imagine she's taller than you now. or getting there.

[tamarika]

I don't quite know what to reply to "testing the tagness ... " but I might find out tonight, eh? Smiles.

Fay,
I am so touched that you are *still* reading my blog! Am smiling from ear to ear especially because you are *with* me on some of my list. Isn't it time for your blog yet?