Kicking the habit (Update)

Blogging has become a habit. After more than three years of writing first at my Tamarika site and here, at Mining Nuggets, I have discovered that the theme has shifted. In the beginning I joined the blogging world, literally to find a community after moving from Buffalo to Philadelphia - having left personal and professional friends of 17 years. And then, blogging became an avenue for self work because having left my therapist behind in Buffalo, there was still much that I wanted to explore and understand about myself. Finally, trying to write a post, however short or long, once a day was a great way to hone, strengthen and improve my writing skills.

Lately, I have been writing about the primary elections. Venting frustrations and trying to understand the political scene. I discovered that I was not writing to change anyone's mind or impose my ideas. It was more of a way to feel some sense of power over a situation that is beyond my control. In fact, it has made me wonder about writing in general.

Once again, I question why I blog.

Self expression is certainly one of the reasons. Connection, another. But, I wonder if it is also a way to delude myself into feeling powerful when, indeed, I have so little control over so much in my life: past regrets, aging, relationships, loss ... to name a few.

Writing silently and privately in a journal could be just as powerful, and yet I seem to want others to read what I write. In the early childhood field, it makes sense for me to share my ideas about teaching. Writing books for teachers makes sense. Perhaps that way I might offer support or new ways of thinking about interactions with children for teachers who are looking for that.

But, blogging? Who in the world, out there, cares what I have to say about my personal life or political opinions?  And why would I delude myself into thinking strangers out in cyberspace would want to hear what I - little old me - have to say about these things?

So, I have come to the conclusion that I blog out of some sort of narcissistic need. To be center of attention in some way. To feel special and acknowledged. And this causes me to feel ashamed and, yes, I must admit it to myself, somewhat pathetic. For, surely I am compensating for what I did not receive as a young child - still trying to fill a hole in my old worn out soul? It scares me to remember what I must have done to achieve that sense of recognition that I so lacked as a child, when I did not have blogging!

Has blogging become some kind of emotional crutch for me? And, if so, is that so wrong?

Or should I just ... well ... kick the habit?

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Meet me in the middle

Update:

Thanks to all for your comments. Each one has given me even more food for thought. I realize that receiving comments is yet another reason why I blog. It's not just the feeling of being connected, it is also the different perspectives that help me broaden my thinking about different topics. I appreciate that each one of you, Papa (William), Winston, Jean, Tamar, and Michal - took the trouble and your time to write such meaningful as well as supportive comments.
Thanks so much.

 

Comments

[tamarika]

Thanks to all for your comments. Each one has given me even more food for thought. I realize that receiving comments is yet another reason why I blog. It's not just the feeling of being connected, it is also the different perspectives that help me broaden my thinking about different topics. I appreciate that each one of you, Papa (William), Winston, Jean, Tamar, and Michal - took the trouble and your time to write such meaningful as well as supportive comments.
Thanks so much.

[Michal]

It is true that blogging does give a sense of power – why do you use the word delusion? You defiantly are not deluding yourself in any way – you are well aware of the "smallness" of a human being who has only little control over stuff that happens – so what's wrong with getting a feeling of power from blogging – or anything else for that matter?

Most of us want to be heard – so the fact that you want people to read your blog is natural and human - nothing wrong with that either…

Another thing is – yes – there is always someone out there who might just need to hear what "little old you" has to say and there is always someone who may benefit.

There is nothing wrong with the need and want to be the center of attention in some way. Blogging is a fine and giving way to achieve that.

There is absolutely no realistic reason for shame – don't be harsh with yourself

If this is a way to satisfy an ancient need or a human need – it is a fine and beautiful way.

And finally – I don't see blogging as an emotional crutch – but as a pleasure – which is a human need and also emotional fulfillment – which is also a human need

So… if you ask me – I say no,
Definitely don't kick the habit – some habits are simply good!

Love
Michal

[Jean]

Hey, I don't think the need for self-expression is necessarily narcissistic! There seems to be a fundamental human need to 'process' stuff - if we don't find a way to do this, we seem to get blocked, sometimes ill, certainly not good for our lives or anyone around us, as well as not good for ourselves.

[tamar]

I would miss your blog a lot should you kick the habit. Rarely does reading a post here (or comments on the post) leave me feeling untouched, as though nothing happened for me when I stopped by and dipped into your space. I've mentioned our sharing a name, a profession (yours still, mine "once was" and since changed/morphed), divorce count, mother stuff, and living in Israel as some of the hooks that bring me back. What did my sister say/think/do/question today?

I blog to process my busy life and mind. With all that draws me to explore, challenge, change, consider, and do, I look forward to the discipline of sorting through the myriad inputs and my responses and to make sense of the mix. In identifying the parts and arranging them in a coherent order or design, I can put the experience into a usable, even more interesting shape. For me or for anyone else.

And I love the connections that happen through my blog. Meeting you and others through your links and references offers me good company — classmates, colleagues, content — in my school without walls. I don't like walls, and schools are not buildings where someone else decides what's good for me to learn, and when.

Eeek. Your question opened a vein, I see. Thanks for the chance to respond.

[William]

You don't ever have to unless you want to... but we really, really need to hear your voice.

Thank you for sharing.

- Papa