Between reality and virtuality

Quote of the day:

I think some people really don't want to read the thoughts of people they know well.

Danny

Recently a friend of mine talked about some discomfort she was feeling between getting to know me in reality, and reading my inner rumblings and ramblings on my blog. It got me to thinking about who I am when I am being me. 

It is so much much easier for me to express myself in writing than it is to talk about myself with friends or family. The difference for me is clear. Most of the time I am convinced that I take up too much time and space. Indeed, I am constantly afraid that I am a burden. For example, I often find myself saying to people things like, "Please don't feel like you have to come if you are too busy." Or, when I was in Israel a month ago I left a message on a friend's voice-mail saying something like, "I am here and would love to see you if you feel like it or have the time." It is as if I leave an opening for the other person to get out of having to spend time with me. Some people have misunderstood those types of things that I say. They feel as if the double message I extend to them means that I am not sure if I want to see or invite them over. In the latter instance, my friend was astute enough to hear the insecurity in my message, and ask me what I had meant.

When I write, however, people have the choice to read what I write, and/or reply to me. It is almost as if I am freed of the anxiety of being responsible for the burden that is me. Mostly, when people comment on my blog posts, reply to letters or emails, or react to my articles or books, I am often a little surprised that they cared enough to take the time, and make the effort. Indeed, I am always grateful. I do not take reciprocity, or gifts of other peoples' time for granted. Indeed, any relating-to-me crumb thrown my way will be most valued by me. 

I have a friend who always tells me what he feels and thinks about my behavior and/or our relationship. It is not always easy to take because some of the things he says hurt me. Especially when they are true and hit home. However, I have come to appreciate him deeply. His honesty is true friendship. He is constant and true - always there. As he says, "I'm still on the other end of the line." His friendship is unconditional. But mainly I appreciate him because he relates to me. 

It seems that silence confirms for me that I am, just as I feared, a burden, and not worthy of the other person's time. 

Of course, through years of therapy, reflection and self-alteration, I am becoming stronger and more confident. I am definitely not as pathetic as I might sound in this description of how I understand myself. I think the writing Tamarika is different to the in-the-flesh Tamar. In the former, I have courage and insight. And with the latter, I am more vulnerable, afraid, confused, and complex. 

On the other hand, I am probably a combination of all of those all the time. 

One thing I do know about myself is that I love relating to others, even though my interactions are not always clear or positive. I love listening to and observing, really getting to know people. And I long to share all my frailties and strength, complexity and vulnerabilities, even though it terrifies me to the core and opens me up for awesome hurt and rejection. I struggle with that aspect of relationships more and more as I gain the courage to open myself up. For, now and again I am surely hurt and rejected, because inevitably there are those who are not comfortable with my level of intensity, or who have felt just as hurt or rejected by me. 

In point of fact, I do not know why people read my blog - whether they are friends, family members, or passers-by. In fact, I have no idea really how many people or how often they stop by. I used to care a lot, and there are times especially when I am feeling vulnerable or having an out-of-confidence moment, when I wish more people would read or comment. However, mostly I write because I want to express, nay, need to express myself, process a thought, idea or feeling.

And, if someone should stop by, take the time to read what I write, and make the effort to share a comment, I am often a little surprised, and always most grateful.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: On the road again

Comments

[tamarika]

Hello there, ell (ellen). Ah - a fellow traveler ... thank you for reading and relating.

[ell]

I read your blog because I relate to many things your write. For example, when you say things like this:

"I think the writing Tamarika (ell) is different to the in-the-flesh Tamar (ellen). In the former, I have courage and insight. And with the latter, I am more vulnerable, afraid, confused, and complex."

[tamarika]

What beautiful gifts I received here through all of your comments. Thanks so much for sharing what this post made you think and feel! Very much appreciated.

Danny,
I can't for the life of me remember the incident about seemingly blowing off the idea of coming out to CA to see you. Of course, I believe you 100% because it so sounds like me. Wow! Thanks for hanging in there with me through it all.

Michal,
What a beautiful expression: "from the rivers of my childhood ..."

Kay,
I think we all go back and forth with self-alteration work. Good luck with yours. Half the battle is allowing oneself to become aware, I think. Don't you?

Ainelivia,
Thanks, as always, for stopping by to comment. You have such kind and supportive things to say to me. I am so glad that what I write resonates for you.

[Michal]

Tamarika – I read this blog first of all because I love you
Secondly because I appreciate what you have to say
And also I identify with many of your feelings and attitudes
I comment – again because I love you
Love is a strange thing ha?!
Makes us do a bunch of stuff….

It's nice to know you appreciate the comments… because they are supposed to be little gifts for you…

By the way – I personally never read blogs that are written by people I don't know and love
It is only those people I know and love that I am interested in knowing deeper – you mentioned about intensity… well I am pretty intense too

And since I also write, I also know how much easier it is to express ourselves in writing (this doesn't refer to everyone of course)

And I, like you, love to get to know people – to the depth of them – I love reading your blog
Especially since my love to you is not a new love… it is a love I was born into… from the "rivers of my childhood"….

Smiles and kisses
Yours always
Michal

[Danny]

I can relate to a lot of this as well. I'm always fascinated by people who can launch into terribly long accounts of something that happened to them without the slightest self-consciousness that people are interested in what they're saying (and they often aren't) when I, like you, also worry in face-to-face encounters that I'm taking up too much time, too much space, too much energy. However in my blog I feel totally free to ramble on and on and on without that fear because I know people can choose to read or not read it. My blog writing IS the real me, but it does not always reflect the social me nor do I want it to, it is a different kind of outlet for me. My writing on my blog is usually very different from my face-to-face exchanges with people and I like it that way! But like you said, I am a combination of the two.

I also relate to your issue of giving mixed messages as a result of your insecurity. I do that, too. I remember that time years ago when I got the wrong impression when I mistakenly thought you were blowing off a trip here because it wasn't that important to you and only later realized that your initial reaction was a defense mechanism. Such interesting stuff!