Self Disclosure

 

This past month, I found myself reaching out, writing to, and, even, sending gifts to two people who have made it abundantly clear that they do not want to have anything to do with me. As I did it, I knew they would never respond. I was not doing it for their reply. I was doing it to feel shunned and excluded - to confirm my belief that I am an undeserving low-life. Wow! What's that all about? Whenever I start to spiral backwards, life partner has the tendency to remind me that, "Hm ... perhaps you are approaching feeling successful and happy? Time to punish yourself? Hm ...?" 

I guess that self alteration work takes time. With every few steps forward, there are those backward steps that creep in unconsciously ... but, oh dear ...

... Good grief! I cannot believe I was doing it again! Just after I gave my son a whole huge load of advice about how to break the paradigm of loving, or wanting people who do not want him. And there I was - doing it again - myself: Loving or wanting people who do not want me. 

I hope my son comes to visit for Thanksgiving. Because I want to make him an offer - that we both break the paradigm together. For, somewhere in his childhood, I fed him my psychic patterns, and he, dutifully, imbibed them. Was it through imitation? Mother's milk? Genes? Observation? Vibes? Who knows. I want to say to him: "Take my advice! I don't use it!"

All I know is ... it is time for both of us to give it up.

Comments

[tamarika]

Danny,
I have the same feeling about "smiling" photos versus sad or pensive ones. Thanks for your comment. As usual, you know me so well, and are such a supportive friend. Much appreciated.

[Danny]

Very insightful post. May I add that as much as I love your smile, I also love seeing those pictures of you in a different mode, especially that second one above. So real, so meaningful—there's a beauty in that sadness. (But maybe I should ask myself why such pensive shots seem more "real" to me than happy, smiling ones! Oy.)

I wonder if I'm correct in my guess about who one of those people you reached out to is. In any event, I really can't imagine anyone not wanting to have anything to do with you. I know it's a cliche, but all I would say to those people is: "YOUR LOSS!"

[tamarika]

Hey there Jean! Good to see that you are right here when I need you. Thank you.

And, dear Kay, journeying alongside ... smiles.

Rebekah,
Welcome. Thank you so much for stopping by my blog. You are absolutely right, of course. And to stop feeling hurt is definitely the key, isn't it? But then I wouldn't be able to feel like an undeserving "low-life!"

Thank goodness, I am really starting to "get it" - finally. For, awareness is half the battle! Time to let go of those self-destructive patterns - no more time to lose.

I, of course, will keep right on loving those people who don't want me. I just don't need to let them, or the whole world, know about it - or, even - do anything about it. Just know it, quietly, gently, deeply, within me - forever.

[Jean]

A lesson you really shouldn't have to learn, so don't be too hard on yourself for being more gentle and loving than most! But, yes, you're quite right of course. Hugs.

[Kay Dennison]

I have done -- probably will continue to do -- the same thing, Tamar.

Yes we must keep loving. There's no other option.