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December 17, 2008



Dearest Aeron,
I would so love to meet Sophie too. What a gorgeous description of a young girl: tough, funny and full of herself! Cherish those qualities.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to ALL of you.
I love you, too.


Thanks for posting the Alice Miller interview--it gave me a lot to think about and I forwarded it to Mark. He's a great, loving father, but sometimes he seems to overreact to Sophie's "defiance" (his word) and I think it stems from his own abuse/neglect. It makes him uncomfortable when Sophie doesn't accomodate his adult agenda, when she shows strong emotion.
I really wish you could meet her! She is so tough, funny, and full of herself! She's my teacher.
love you,
Enjoy all the Christmas hoopla!


Hello Rebekah,
Thanks so much for your comment.
"I've come to realise that some people just aren't psychologically ready to face up to certain things and probably never will be. In so far as this is the case, it's not really their fault. "
I so agree with you about this. And with those, who allow me, I do try and be kind and loving because I have forgiven the past through understanding it.

I also agree with you that parents/carers unconsciously and unintentionally damage their children by passing on their pain. And, of course, they do not think they were "abusive." Indeed, that kind of terminology feels offensive to them.

However, the children who were damaged need to use that kind of terminology for themselves to validate the awfulness of the experience, and therefore take themselves and the pain they suffered seriously when no one else does. Otherwise they can never heal.

It has been helpful for me with my own son and his childhood. because, naturally, there was pain that I passed onto him unintentionally. but it hurt and damaged him and I am so sorry for it. I am sure that it helps him to know that, as he works through his healing process.

Calling it abuse does not mean that the perpetrator is a "bad" person. But it helps the "victim" heal when the terminology is clear.

In fact, by knowing and especially by acknowledging the emotional and humiliation abuse I suffered, I am able to love my parents/carers more in the end. Through forgiveness and understanding.

Rebekah Delafield

Hi Tamar

It's interesting what you say here. I can really relate to your take on being an 'independent thinker'. I am, too! On certain crucial aspects of my family history, I have a view that is very different from the general view, and it's fascinating to see how different family members respond differently when I try to express my 'independent thoughts'. Some get very angry and accuse me of stupidity or disloyalty, and some simply never allow a conversation to start that might lead to me expressing those unpopular opinions - they never ask me what I think about certain things, scared of what they might hear. This used to irritate the bejeezus out of me, but lately I've become more philosophical about it. I've come to realise that some people just aren't psychologically ready to face up to certain things and probably never will be. In so far as this is the case, it's not really their fault. I try to be as kind and loving to these people as possible. Not everyone is capable of the same levels of insight and truth-recognition. Equally, whereas some people (like me, and maybe you too?) welcome any challenge, and would always be interested to hear someone else's view, even if it was totally different to my own, other people felt threatened with annihilation if you challenge them at all - these people are weak and damaged but don't realise it. The Alice Miller quote is interesting too. I would differentiate between physical and emotional abuse, and cases where parents/carers simply unconsciously pass on their pain and damage their children/charges unintentionally, just through struggling with their own pain. Would you agree?

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