Memoir reflections

When I write my memoir, I want to talk about the loves of my life. There is much to process, and what better way to do it than by writing through it. 

Recently, I was thinking about my third husband who, about a year or so after our divorce in our last ever conversation, said to me pityingly "Do you still have only one coat?" I knew what he meant, the instant he said it, because I have never felt deserving of possessing more than one coat. Such an expensive item! Why would I ever need more than that? However, I was surprised that he had thought about that during the fours years we were together. I guess we can never know what another person is thinking unless they tell us! And vice versa, of course.

These past couple of months I have rectified the coat situation considerably. I wish I could tell him that. Indeed, I just purchased myself a Parka and a rain coat! You see, almost a year ago, life partner bought me a gorgeously warm winter coat, and I have enjoyed feeling warm, comfortable, and even looking good in it. I must admit that it makes me feel worthy of being loved. Deep and complex feelings just about a coat! But then, again, lately I have been feeling more and more deserving of all sorts of feelings and things than ever before in my life. And so, psychological connections are being made. Now, I am allowing myself a separate coat for different situations. And, I am doing this all by myself without counsel or advice from anyone else. Just simply, while browsing through catalogs, I discover coats that I would like to wear for different occasions, and allow myself to buy them.

There is much more to be said on the subject of deserving, and past loves in my life. It is complex because it involves me thinking about my sexuality, intimate relationships, what I have learned or know about loving someone, and certainly what I think or thought I was or am worthy of. The stories have started to rise up within my brain and unravel out. Yes indeed, the process of memoir reflections has begun.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: From one "inner-most-bean" to another

Comments

[tamarika]

Danny,
LOL about your comment! A memoir would definitely be a cathartic writing experience, wouldn't it?

However, the types of things I am thinking about are way too intimate and personal for me to ever share them with the public. Confronting my sexuality is terrifying to even contemplate privately, at this stage! If I do, it will be through private journaling, or perhaps a return to some kind of therapy at a later date.

So - no - no memoir in the offing. Sorry, mate! At present I am editing a book on gender and early childhood - with lots of other very reputable authors. No such *fun* ahead, my dear old editor friend! Smiles and laughing out loud as I write this!

[Danny]

What? Writing a memoir? I'm getting in line right now!

[tamarika]

sky,
I love reading memoirs for the same reason! Thanks so much for stopping by.

Kay,
This feeling undeserving did not come from my marriage and divorce - it is way deeper and comes from my early childhood life-script. I am so pleased that you are being good to you ... I think if we cannot be compassionate with ourselves, we find it difficult to project it out to others - at least, that's how it has worked for me in the past. Since feeling more self worth, I find that I am able to open up and love others much more.

[Kay Dennison]

The biggest thing I've learned since my divorce is to be good to me. It's not an easy lesson. It sounds as if you found it difficult, too.

[sky]

i enjoy reading memoirs so much. it is a bit like eavesdropping on a life in some ways, but it encourages the reader to reflect on his/her own life lessons thus opening avenues of insight in multiple layers.

the revelation about coat ownership which you share here is so interesting. i am glad you now have as many coats as you have use for! such mundane things are often wrapped in complexity, much of which we never examine. great post.