One more month

Quote of the day

I think about loneliness and accomplishment and courage ... Where does courage come from? I call my aunt in Israel. She is 92. And I ask her, "What is the most important thing?" And she answers, "Self-confidence." 

Maira Kalman from, And the Pursuit of Happiness, in the New York Times today (Thanks, Mira)

 

I wonder why we reach back to our past memories so much as we get older. Has looking to the future become frightening to think about? Or is it to remind ourselves of who we were so that we can be sure of who we are now? 

Me, from Hearts drawn backwards, April 2005.

Today, I am 59 and eleven twelfths. In one month I turn 60. [My old/young friend, Donna, generously and supportively reminded me about that this morning!) These are the things I am beginning to understand about becoming a sixty-year-old-woman:

• My ankle, hip, back hurt every now and again for no apparent reason. Sometimes I pop a couple of Advil and sometimes I do not. I live with it and it goes away. I don't let it stop me from walking briskly up and down the hills of Chestnut Hill, nor lifting my 8 pound dumb - bells. 
• Yoga stretches and pranayama exercises feel deep and comforting and spiritual. I sink into them like into a warm bubbly bath and pull their healing into my soul. When I am done, I feel like a lithe, young woman, and I stand as tall as five feet two inches (and shrinking) is able to reach.
• When I love, it is with all my heart. I love Ada, my life partner, my son - I love the seasons, the sky, trees and flowers, squirrels, nut hatches, cardinals, robins serenading outside my window at 4:30 in the morning when I awake. I love the smells of spring, snow in the winter and the hottest summer days when sweat pours down my face, under my armpits and into my shirt. I sob uncontrollably when a hawk catches a bird from my feeder, when my son plays his music on the piano, or if while driving, suddenly I remember Charlie's eyes the last time we looked across the room at each other, or holding Mar-Mar in my arms as she took her final breath.
• It is a relief to apologize and forgive. Anger has no excitement for me any longer. There is no time to bear grudges or hate someone these days. Lately, just as I am about to start feeling rage about anything at all, understanding and forgiveness seems to rise up in its place. 
• Passion feels real, and deeper than when I was young. Pain and compassion for the human condition is sometimes overwhelming in its forcefulness.
• I enjoy alone time more than I ever have. The other night, when I was away in San Diego at a conference, I wandered alone for half an hour to find a Brazilian restaurant I had heard about.  Sitting in the dim light, alone at my table, I felt an overwhelming sense of comfort and pleasure, enjoying the food, ambiance, deep red wine, music, and watching people coming and going, celebrating, sharing, eating, breaking bread together. 
• I adore the Internet - Skype, blogging, Facebook, Twitter, I-Phone, YouTube, connection through the anonymity and yet, oh so, public space of the Cyber/virtual world.
• I feel the presence of Time in every thing I do, in each waking moment, and, even, threaded through my dreams. Tempus fugit. No more time to waste on regret, shame, guilt or greed. I pull myself back into here and now, and cherish what I can moments after disappointment or anxiety fill my emotional space.    
• Death often peeks over my shoulder, nudging me gently, even though I am not quite ready to confront it yet. I think that moving into my sixties means Death might move with me slowly from nudging and peeking towards a more prominent presence in the future. 

There is more that I am beginning to understand about turning sixty - one month away today. Definitely more. For, I must admit that entering into my senior years is an exciting prospect, rich with change and deepening of understanding, even as it is accompanied by trepidation about reaching towards all the unknowns that come with aging ...

... unknowns, 
because I, personally, 
have never experienced aging before.  

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Reaching for a higher vision (Update I, II, & III); & What's wrong with the black vote?

Comments

[tamarika]

sky,
Last year I had a major physical/medical scare, and i spent the year feeling quite overwhelmed until it all finally worked itself out - with the help of excellent and very supportive doctors. I think I finally had to acknowledge that I am immortal. It was quite an uncomfortable revelation! Brought the age thing right home, front and center.

I think it explains why I have decided to embrace aging even though each day brings its surprises, and some of them not so pleasant! One of those facts of life that I just have to accept. I do think there are some benefits though. A feeling that I've paid my dues, and now it is time to relish in every pleasurable moment, and experience each second of joy that I can find.

Indeed, the pain, regret and fear are ever present - but they are becoming more like companions - rather than enemies.

I wonder if I am making any sense here ... ho hum!

[sky]

this post is filled with such depth of thought and feeling. as i mentioned somewhere in your blog before - if i could have the vitality, energy, and body of my youth while quietly enjoying the the wisdom of my aging process i would be a very happy woman. we are close in age and yet i don't feel the excitement you describe because i am grappling with body issues. i hope when the medical component of those issues is finished and i am able to become more physically active with exercise and weight loss i will feel healthier and less mournful for the days when i could do whatever i pleased.

i am most glad for the mellowing process but sometimes miss the days of deep passion i once felt for political causes and human rights. that part of me was surely stirred by obama, but in my 20s and 30s i was marching and demonstrating for many causes close to my heart, and the zeal i felt was fierce and fiery. i still care but without the same intensity and drive toward the personal active involvement i once had. i loved that social awareness and politically active part of me, the fervent need to be in the middle of it all. i miss the energy and passion which propelled me forward, which lit a fire in my belly. but, i think it is part of aging, to move forward more quietly and to pass the torch to the younger crowd.

i look at this leg of my journey as calmer, as a more serene chapter of living...different in that way from the other parts of my life when i was much more apt to live on the razor's edge. that time not only brought a rush of adrenaline and great highs but also brought intense heartbreak when i paid too little attention to information available to me but kept at a distance.

perhaps i will discover a new part of myself along this path which will bring as much joy to my life as the adventures of my younger days did. it's clearly up to me and the road i decide to travel.

[Donna Falcone]

TOmar I want to be like YOUUUUU when I become a sixty year old woman!!! Much love and many hugs to you.... and, by the way, no one has referred to me as 'young' in quite a while.... I like that you call me young/old friend.... I especially like the 'old friend' part because it represents constancy ... holding onto some'thing' that is not a thing at all... my collection of old friends is not as expansive as yours (uh... like, maybe 2?) but I am learning it is the quality and not the quantity that matters most.