A "self-understanding" meme

Quote of the day:

The important thing for us is to move forward with humility. [David Axelrod heard on Morning Joe today, in response to President Barack Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize]

One nagging thing I still don’t understand about myself ["a potential meme for bloggers as well as psychologists," writes my brother, Norm]

So, here goes mine (in 150 words):

“Why is it,” I ask myself over and over again, “that I cannot believe people when they compliment, applaud or acknowledge something, anything, positive about me?” After years of successful, professional achievements, including a doctorate, authoring three books, and numerous presentations nationally and internationally, and after much hard work at self-alteration through different therapies and education, I still do not believe anyone who praises me, or shows me love through words or gifts! It could be admiring colleagues complimenting me after successful keynote speeches, students writing glowing evaluations of my class, or expressions of love, acknowledgement and appreciation from friends or close family members. Indeed, I find myself becoming numb, disbelieving, tongue-tied, and, even, anxious and uncomfortable. I almost always denigrate myself or apologize in response, and afterwards I shake my head in disbelief and dismay at how badly I reacted – which, in turn, naturally, makes me feel even worse!

Comments

[tamarika]

Jean - for me, I think the cog clicks into its groove. I'm curious though why sometimes it clicks out again for a moment or so - I often wonder where or why the regressions happen. But, yes, I agree patterns do break - and when that happens, it's like a miracle.

[Jean]

These are the weird, astonishing things, aren't they? The things we do 'over and over again', keep doing them long after we've noticed we do them and worked out why we do them and resolved not to do them. None of the latter seem to be enough to break the pattern. Amazingly, though, patterns do break, eventually, long after we've stopped believing an act of will is enough, if we're brave enough to keep looking them in the face. What makes the final difference? Who knows? The right word, the right place, and a cog finally clicks out of its groove - or do I mean into it?

[tamarika]

And so ... I am staring directly in the eyes of all the people who have reached out to me and commented here ... and I say that I feel truly blessed to read your words of understanding, encouragement and support - as well as grateful for your sharing your own ideas and thoughts about this.

[Marion Barnett]

I have been thinking about your 150 words all day today...on and off..read the remarkable Sky's words and others...so many helpful thoughts for me in all those comments.
This is what I think.
I think there can be a "learned gracefulness" in knowing how to accept a gift, a compliment, or a loving gesture. Not many of us have been raised in the art of that "grace" but we all know instinctively how to feel guilty for thinking we've done something noteworthy. If you were raised Catholic (sorry to say this is the case in many religions) you learned to say in Latin over and over, "Lord I am not worthy". Literally, I think they meant for people to feel not worthy of anything at all EVER in their whole life! What a chant that is for developing people who are joyful loving responsive happy individuals. NOT! We deflect compliments, reject smiles, turn away from and become embarrassed with enthusiastic responses directed toward our expertise or contributions, or good works done.
So how do we "practice" or shape our behavior in a different direction here? I started very small by staring directly into the eyes of the person who is reaching out to me and saying with a smile Thank-you! I really enjoyed talking with you today and sharing my ideas (etc. blah blah). Do you know what happened? They were delighted to receive that response and you could feel their happiness which then made my happiness double at that moment. OK..the first time I consciously practiced this idea, of allowing a compliment to come into me with a "graceful response" it felt completely foreign. But I remember a family therapist I worked with once who told me, "fake it...even though you don't think you are responding with your true feelings..after a little time you will discover you will allow your true feelings to get in touch with, and match your words. He was right about that one!

I saw this printed on a card today. It made me think about your 150 words again and about how to gracefully accept a compliment by allowing another person's words to come into our soul and be at peace with that.

"Move, think, speak,and act in each moment of life as if in prayer..and you will bring forth peace."

Just a thought, on a card, in a 50% off bin, but pretty awesome!

[Donna]

So as not to hijack YOUR blog today, I feel compelled to write on this very same subject b/c you have struck such a chord in me. I'm not sure I have the moxy to risk posting on my own blog today... your's feels so much safer, but we shall see.

TOmar, I think Sue and Sky are right on. It is what we think of ourselves, but it is so damned slippery sometimes we can't even put our finger on to describe why. I'm wondering if you feel "in-valid". Do you know what I mean? As in NOT valid. No amount of people agreeing or complimenting can change your mind because it isn't in the mind... it is deeper than that. As soon as people validate each success along the way something very strange and slippery happens. PLOOP like a bar of soap that feeling of pure satisfaction is replaced by self conscious doubt ... maybe not of your own accuracy even, but of it's value to others....

I'm rambling... I'll stop. I am thinking my arms around you and telling you this: you have changed my life forever, on more than one occasion, because of the things you have courageously shared. This is just the simple truth. You have. This is not a compliment even. Just the simple and precious truth.