Writing in the dark

I do not always know what I am going to write about. Even when I am given a specific topic. It is much like a therapy session. I start talking and before I know it, I am thinking, feeling and sharing all sorts of things that I had not expected at the outset. Sometimes I am surprised about the things that come up. At times dismayed, even. Old wounds and heartaches rise up to greet me unexpectedly even though I thought I had dealt with them and moved on. It appears that they are still lingering deep in my emotional memory. I adore the sensation of suddenly discovering a feeling, and making connections between my present emotions and something that happened in my childhood. Or making any kind of connection to something else unexpected. It is always amazing, surprising, and wonderful to me. I become excited about how brilliant the brain is, or how complex people are in general, including me of course. It is never boring, and always tantalizes my intellect. The complexity of human emotion and development always intrigues me, even through the pain of memories and ancient wounds.

For me, writing is a lot like writing in the dark. For example, this morning I felt a need to write. Anything at all. Just to sit down at the computer and allow my fingers to tap away right out of my brain. I knew something was in there, stirring. And there it was ... therapy! Of course, it would be. I have had about eleven sessions now and things are heating up, stuff is moving about, and jiggling and wiggling in my brain. All kinds of numbness is reawakening. My dreams last night were full of actions, scenes, and people from different periods in my past. They all came together in one huge cacophony of images and emotions. 

But, even if I have a specific topic to write about I always start out writing in the dark. I mean, of course I have an idea about a subject when I set out to write about it. I have usually read up or explored various aspects. The actual writing, however, flows out and often thoughts, feelings, and ideas emerge when I least expect them. 

I have a new idea for a book. I even have the title in mind: A Handbook of Guilt for Parents! How to Regain Confidence and Develop Healthy Relationships with Your Children. It has been on my mind for some time. It could be intriguing to write, because I surely have my fair share of guilt. Writing in the dark about it might help me shed some of it, or, perhaps, find out something unexpected about it. As I write about the writing of it, I realize I will need to find a publisher for such a book. I mean, who on earth would like the title? A Handbook of Guilt! Would people be sophisticated enough to understand the irony in that phrase? 

Oh well. 
Writing this morning started out in the dark,
but now quite a lot of light has been shed 
on my thoughts and emotions, 
I must say. 
Therapy, guilt, parenting ... 
... quite a start to my day!

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Engendering gender

Comments

[tamarika]

Hi Jean,

Thanks so much for your comment. Yes, for all the reasons you cite here (because I think I might be one of those parents you talk about - supporting my child unconditionally but still seeing him so unhappy) - but also, in my work with parents and teachers I see that teachers never give parents a break. They are always angry with them - as if parents are supposed to be objective professionals at parenting or something!

Ho hum - oh well, the trick now will be to find a publisher who is willing to take the risk of this book with me!

[Jean]

That's a wonderful idea for a book! It breaks my heart that all my lovely friends who have kids - now mostly adult - feel guilty for the problems they feel their own shortcomings have caused their children. Of course, everyone has shortcomings and of course children are affected by the people they grow up with. But all my guilty friends love and support their children unconditionally. The parents with most cause for guilt (not that most of them did intentional harm either, of course - they're just messed up)rarely, in my experience, have enough self-awareness to feel guilty.

So, yes, I really wish you would write this - I haven't seen any such thing anywhere!