Doing it differently

Regrets ... I've had a few ...

Ah the joys of becoming 60. 

Much of it has to do with looking back and thinking forward, sifting out the regrets and learning how to forgive myself. The process is not easy. Indeed, it is often quite painful. Although clearing away the mind-clutter, and realizing different realities sometimes becomes both exhilarating and comforting.

For example, when I was young I thought all I would need to do is love my son unconditionally. This was paramount for me. Whatever we would go through as a family, whatever he would go through growing up, all he would need from me was my emotional support to accept him as he was. Now I realize that was not enough. 

My child also needed so much more to grow, develop and thrive. 

He needed:

• Parents with self-esteem, confidence and self-worth.
• His mother to have known how to choose a strong, stable life partner - a role model - one who would love and respect me, be my best friend, and stand by us as a family through thick and thin. 
• Clear boundaries - for me and for him.
• Support from extended family.
• Money!

There has to be more to that list, I am sure. More that I will uncover as I explore my regrets further. 

I surely cannot fix all that has gone before. I am acutely aware of that lately. For awhile I felt shame, and wondered how I had the right to teach students or make keynote speeches about child development and rearing. 

However, as I grapple with regrets, and learn to forgive my past, I sense that not only have I knowledge and experience to offer others, but that the more I share what I know, the more I learn about me.

A year ago at Mining Nuggets: Treadmill reflections

Comments

[tamarika]

I appreciate all these comments so much. Of course I have to feel out whether it is regret or remorse that I am experiencing of late - I hadn't thought of that! And that's why I adore your comments - more to think and feel about.

Elaine, so good to hear from you here. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings about this.

[Elaine of Kalilily]

Oh boy, do I identify with your experience! I watch my daughter bringing up my grandson (who is very much like my son was in his childhood days) and I'm realizing all of the things I should have done but didn't. Yes, I still love my son unconditionally as well. But his life might be much more stable and fulfilling now if I had known then what I know now.

[Jean]

OOOOh. No. Danny's right. The unconditional love is the only thing it's completely in your power to choose to give (if you have the clarity and self-awareness to see it, which many don't). All the rest, all the harsh vicissitudes of life and the painful results of one's own temperament: your kids have to do their best with those, just like you did. Of course you will have regrets. But not remorse, PLEASE. I believe that not loving is the only thing a parent needs to have remorse for.

[Danny]

Those things can be very helpful but the fact that you did (do!) love him unconditionally trumps all in my opinion.