The error of my generosity

Quote of the day:

A grown-up can be no [person's] disciple: The most important things that each [person] must learn no one can teach him [her]. Once he [she] accepts this disappointment, he [she] will be able to stop depending on the therapist, the guru, who turns out to be just another struggling human being. Sheldon B. Kopp. (On the back cover)

 

I give too much. 

Or, perhaps, it is that I force my giving when it is not wanted. 

I suddenly remember, when I was in my twenties, a close friend of mine saying to me, "Oh God, don't start raping me with your kindness again," and I did not understand what she meant. I think I understand her now - too late.

Did I do that for my son? [I weep as I realize this] Did I try too hard to compensate for whatever it was I imagined I was doing wrong for him?

I might be starting to understand some of the reasons why I seem to give too much again and again and again ... 

• Anxiety and fear about doing wrong? 
• Guilt and the need to compensate for my sins? 
• Needing to be liked and acknowledged?
• Denying my anger?
• ?

It is eye opening and startling to think about how much I want to relearn and change about my Self before I become too old to enjoy a different way of doing, seeing, feeling, and experiencing my life. Indeed, it feels exhausting and challenging. 

But fun too ...

I watched the squirrels scurrying about under the bird feeder this morning. I had left them quite a lot of food on top of all that snow out there. "How can they get food through all that ice?" I wondered aloud. Life partner smiled. "It sure helps," he said gently, and continued, "Although they have their little squirrel secrets, I'm sure, about how to get their food in the winter."

I thought about what he said. 

Perhaps I just do not trust everyone enough - 
to have their little people secrets about 
how to get their food in the winter. 
I mean, 
perhaps I just do not have to put that much food 
under the people feeders any more ...

Hm ... I wonder ... 

Comments

[tamarika]

Hi Danny,
I don't think I'm nursing resentment as much as I am thinking about trust issues and boundaries. In addition, I am learning that for me "giving" is much more complicated than just the gift ... it can be emotionally loaded depending on who is receiving and when ... motives, intentions, sub consciously or even consciously. Quite uncomfortable to confront these feelings and, more importantly, to understand where the "receivers" are coming from in their feelings.
Thank you so much for your comment.

[Danny]

Such an interesting post. While I don't think generosity could ever rightfully be called an "error," it seems like you're really talking about trust issues and your own boundaries. I think the squirrel thing is the perfect analogy. I've never left food out for squirrels but I can relate to that "they'd die if it weren't for me" line of thinking. Do you find yourself nursing a lot of resentment after one of your "giving" jags? I do think you're being too hard on yourself (another quality I can relate to!). Far better to err on the side of slightly obsessive "giving" than not to give a shit at all. And if anyone ever felt "raped" by your kindness (yuck, I hate that she said that to you!), it is just as much THEIR issue as yours--actually more theirs! All so interesting to think about--thank you!